It's alright but it's all wrong

by anna at 10:39 AM on November 27, 2006

In college I lived in one of those flimsy apartment buildings designed for students. Both the walls and floors were wafer-thin. Soundproof wasn't a word that came to mind. I had two roommates, one of whom was named Rob. He always professed a deep obsession with our upstairs neighbor Maria, to the exclusion of all other girls. This seems a tad odd, seeing as how her boyfriend Tony came to visit her every other weekend. Turns out Rob was gay.

Maria was a handsome woman, what used to be called big-boned but in a good way. She'd shamelessly lead Rob on, flirting with him to no end. Literally. He never got anywhere with her. I guess in retrospect she was flirting with me as well, but I have always been oblivious to that sort of thing. (See: incident wherein girl tells me she isn't wearing any panties and I ask if she had not gotten a chance to do laundry.)

So one Friday evening she invites me up to her place, where I'd never been. She mooned about Tony, how he'd played football in HS and loved to hunt. She showed me a picture of him, with a mean scowl and an intimidating black pony tail to boot. One drink leads to another and before long a romp ensues. I am thinking about the lovelorn Rob down below, listening and brooding. Right after that she tells me I should get going as Tony was expected any minute!

As I was going down the stairs he was coming up with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder, no doubt stuffed with his hunting rifles. We nodded ascent and I scurried into my place. Rob was glaring at me. We heard a fierce argument from above. It sounded like furniture and lamps were being thrown around and there were loud voices and screams; inexplicably followed by contented moaning. I'm thinking it's bad enough when someone makes you sleep in the wet spot when it's of your own making.

There is a knock on the door. It is Tony. He storms in and commences to rough up Rob. Rob is a big guy who's been in the Army but the fight is a mismatch from the start. Seems Maria had fingered him as the culprit behind the mussed sheets and said wet spot.

Or at least that is what she told me the next day. She related this story with a black eye and a swollen, split lip. Tony was nowhere to be seen. In a perverse twist she said his jealous rage had turned her on. The police dutifully took a report.

Talk about mixed feelings.