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ticking away the moments that make up a dull day, you fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
by mg at 08:54 AM on January 03, 2006
What the hell, another year gone by?
I never had cable until my recent move, when the cable company convinced me it’d be cheaper to have both cable TV and Internet, and I couldn’t find a loophole in the system (though I’m sure they must have installed cameras in my apartment and I’m now on some “live from Amsterdam” webcam porn site).
Since I’ve never had cable, when Eviltom made references to I love the 80s I didn’t understand. When he said he wanted to be a commentator on Best Week Ever I really had no idea what he meant. I’d just say “Yeah, uh huh” like I knew what he was talking about so that I wouldn’t look un-cool. Because, you know, Eviltom is so cool. Now that I have cable, and can watch all the VH1 I want, I understand what he was talking about all that time (I’m still waiting for the TV show that’ll explain what he is talking about the rest of the time).
It might be sad to say, but I watch a lot of VH1, probably more even than ET does (but at least I have the excuse that I have a kid and can’t leave the house). I have now probably spent more time watching people talk about how they love the 80s and 90s then I spent participating in the activities we all loved during the actual 80s and 90s.
Is it still nostalgia if you didn’t live through it the first time?
God, I hope so, because otherwise I’ve wasted as much time watching someone talk about Rainbow Bright than I ever spent playing with Rainbow Bright (Not that I ever played with dolls. Unless you count G.I.Joe, He-Man, and the Thundercats.).
But to get to the whole point of this windup - watching these shows evoke two very strong reactions in me.
The first of which is that we, and I’m speaking for all humanity here, are quite silly. That Flock of Seagulls hair ever existed, that the O.J. trial was a major news event, that people willing picked giant noses on Double Dare, and for a million other reasons conveniently collected for me by the producers of I Love the…, I question evolution, because surely we are no more advanced than the chimps. We may not throw our own poo literally, but there is an overwhelming amount of evidence contained in the hours upon hours of VH1 programming that we do so figuratively.
The second strong reaction that the shows evoke in me is that time has no meaning. As you watch any of these shows, I guarantee you’ll find yourself uttering the phrase (as I did), “That was 14 years ago? No fucking way!”
It is now 1986; and that means twenty years have passed since ALF, the Simply Irresistible video, and Ferris Beuler took his day off, which is unbelievable. If it has already been ten years (aka: a decade) since Jerry Maguire showed us the money, we all tickled Elmo, and theologist/one hit wonder Joan Osborn asked “What if God was one of us?” then really, what meaning does time have?
With that in mind, I don’t know if I can ever wish someone a happy new year again, because really, what does time mean? Instead, I’ll just leave you with this holiday wish – “Happy One Year Closer to VH1’s I Love the 2000s.”
comments (7)
Don't start watching VH1 Classic, or you'll really never stop asking yourself "Why the hell would anyone wear that/look like that willingly, and still take themselves seriously?"
by Adam L. at January 3, 2006 10:12 AM
I (heart) MG. Not in a gay way, though!
by Eviltom at January 4, 2006 12:44 PM
ET, I (heart) you. Totally in a gay way - I can't quit you.
by mg at January 4, 2006 8:48 PM
MG... you are finally beginning to understand, and more importantly, 'feel' Lockheed's concept of nonlinear time...
Now, you must implant this sentient format to upon your daughter...
...do so now, and she will and does rule with a wise fist...
by lockheed at January 4, 2006 11:02 PM
Is it nostalgia if you did live through it but were in a drug-induced haze the whole time and made a semi-conscious decision to ignore all aspects of pop culture for 20 years? As they say on NBC, if you haven't seen it then it is new to you!
by anna at January 5, 2006 7:55 AM
The drug filled haze has gotta be better than sober memories of bad music. I hate watching MTV, VH1, Kerrang, ClassicFMTV, VH2... fnar-dee-bleh, H20, BNP, SAS, ESWAT... or whatever... who watches music in their living room!? It's like opera, without the class or experience. I hate it, so I don't watch it. What possible good does it do?
Not only are you listening to music you wouldn't otherwise choose to put on... but you're sat staring at some of the poorest visual creations known to all mankind. You're sat watching a person who can't act, mime his way through however many minutes of repeated chorus' he conjured and dedicated to his wife,. Watching him dancing around like an idiot, or taking part in some shoddy storyline the song revolves around, all the while sporting hairdos and clothes that have since been locked securely away in secret government bases with the label: "Everything Hazard - Don't handle at all!" Most of the music vids don't even have a point, they're just random images of the band or solo artist poncing around like a divvy/divvies with a fondness for pouting, or closing his/her/their eyes and looking adequetly constipated.
Music television... s'hard to think of anything worse. Put a CD on and watch some porn, or some war footage, or Spongebob! For God's sake!
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 12, 2006 9:05 PM
Agreed. Getting rid of music videos altogether is the first step toward rescuing our culture from Bill O'Reilly and his ilk. Aargh!
by anna at January 13, 2006 7:51 AM