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I hate them worse than lepers and I'll kill them in their cars
by anna at 09:45 AM on October 17, 2005
I pulled into a crowded gas station. Spying an unoccupied pump I scurried toward it. At the same time a sleek 300-series BMW did too. I got there first forcing the BMW to back up and do this complex maneuver to line up with the only other available pump. Feeling bad as you do when snagging a parking space someone else was waiting for, I sauntered over to apologize.
A women got out, dressed in a smart, job-interview-worthy pantsuit; all black and revealing none of her gym-rat contours. She wore those pointy-toed boots common among witches. Blonde hair looked freshly coiffed and shampooed. Sported lots of makeup, but tastefully applied. A huge diamond engagement ring threatened to wrench her arm from its socket. She assured me there was no problem, we'd both approached the coveted pump at the same time. "Are you sure," I asked. "Absolutely," she said in that chirpy voice of VW ad voiceovers.
This gal exuded poise and cheerful affluence. She's the young office newcomer you treat with deference knowing she'll soon be your boss. She's the home office type who comes breezing in towing a suitcase on wheels, chock full of presentation materials. At the seminar she will represent herself as a "facilitator" while encouraging "dialogue." She appears to really buy into this rah-rah corporate nonsense.
She wisely filled her tank, knowing full well how they often double the price while you're pumping. She put in on auto and strode purposefully inside to wait and pay. After exchanging my usual $7 for 3 drops of gas, I joined her. She was busy recording her debit card transaction in her checkbook ledger, something I never do. Then she rummaged in her handsome Gucci bag, frowning slightly.
Then a most unexpected thing happened. "Uh, could I get a pack of Benson and Hedges 100 Lights, please," she whispered conspiratorily. She paid cash for the contraband and smiled at me by way of apology for the delay. Then she sashayed away, smacking the smokes on the palm of her hand.
Moments later we were both mired in the same traffic jam, she daintily blowing clouds of smoke out her window. Young attractive go-getters don't smoke any more than they'd shoot up at meetings. Smoking is for the downtrodden, old people and celebrities. Smoking among society's yuppy elite is a character flaw, like buying lottery tickets.
When there's a break in the seminar she will skulk outside like a leper to steal a few forbidden puffs. Then she'll pop a breath mint and spritz on some perfume in a futile attempt to mask the stench. When she returns all the participant-prisoners will be fully aware of her awful transgression. They'll think less of her for it.
So did I. The Beemer's a rental. Her flaxen mane is a wig to cover up her chemo-patient baldness. She borrowed the pantsuit from her sister. The rock is a cubit zirconia knockoff. She's been trying to quit. She swims after troop ships.
comments (27)
Can I bum a smoke?
Isn't weird how someone can turn into a leper when you see them buy their "fix"? We get that same thing at work. No one wants you smoking by the front door. Just go out to the nice shed we set up by the dumpster. Don't worry, we won't hold it against you in your review. That's why I'm developing Cigarette suppositories. Gonna make me a million
by Long Time Lurker at October 17, 2005 10:53 AM
Imagine how much productivity is squandered trooping back and forth to the leper colony.
Also strange how recreational drugs in suppository form never caught on. Though I once saw someone put drops of LSD-25 in his eyes.
by anna at October 17, 2005 10:58 AM
Bah... pity the fool that's marrying this one. Eh?
Like fuck! She sounded perfect right up to the cigarettes purchase, and then shot through that title into something more akin with 'absolute' perfection. Ever had sex and not had cigarettes for the fallout? The pain! B&H ain't my brand, but then, neither are blondes. At least you know: she has some smokes when I'm done I'll grab one... aaah.
I don't know how non-smokers get through their days, well, I do. They fidget, and they 'look for something to do'. First thing I do when I wake up, if there isn't already one in my mouth, is stick a cigarette between my lips. Everything else, for the rest of the day, just falls right into place. Non-smokers in pubs, in meetings, and in queues, fidget! They fidget! Smokers, having had a cigarette just fifteen minutes earlier, are as cool and calm as a bright Spring morning. Even when smokers have no smokes they rarely fidget, they either get angry, or impatient with the planet at large, or both angry and impatient with whoever is nearest, usually a non-smoker saying: "What's the matter, do you have a craving?". Which is met with a high pitched rendition of: "What's meh meh meh, do you meh meh meh meh!"
I reckon every marine that bought it in Nam was a non-smoker... those that did smoke got shot down in the flurry of AK fire that the fidgetting non-smoker attracted with his mumbling and his knack for 'finding something to do'. Smokers, they don't fidget. Labels missing off your bottle of beer when you return from the restroom? Look to the non-smoker! Magazine covers with biro additions to a celebrity face, non-smokers, spewing swathes of shit in social environments and passing it off as meaningful, non-smokers.
Swimming after troop ships... non-smokers.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 17, 2005 3:03 PM
I fucking hate how I just read this, and immediately after posting this message I'll be lighting up another fucking cigarette...
But it's okay, because I went long 1000 shares of RJR and they one a Supreme Court decision worth 2 billion... it went up 5 bucks, I got out at 4 bucks to be safe...
by LOCKHEED at October 17, 2005 8:01 PM
I smoke. But recently, as I've been forced to convert to an econo-life, I bought my first carton. Saved a buck a pack. Before I always felt like it was too heavy a commitment.
by anna at October 18, 2005 7:30 AM
I'm too lazy to be addicted to anything, except perhaps sleep.
I'm sorry, I missed the point of your post. Whom do you hate worse than lepers?
Smokers? Chemotherapy patients? Bald folks? All of the above?
by Clonereject1138 at October 18, 2005 10:14 AM
Crimson, the only time I have ever wished that I smoked was when I standing in a line or waiting for a friend or a bus. Strictly because I wanted something to do. Besides fidget.
I find that smokers and I enjoy a similar attitude and beliefs system... so, strangely enough, if there are two people both leaning against a wall and one's smoking, I'm more apt to approach the smoker to chat with than the non-smoker. I guess smokers are the cool kids in my mind. If I'd seen the woman you wrote about, Anna, I probably would have thought, "another one is sucked into the corporate world and have given themselves mind, body and soul over to the man." Well, right up until she bought the cigarettes. Then I would have though, "ok, she's cool. she's got her vices."
Disclaimer: No, I'm not planning on starting up any time soon. Or ever, really.
by leaffin at October 18, 2005 10:29 AM
Try chewing gum, is gives your mouth something to do, which is ehy nicorette is so effective.
by Clonereject1138 at October 18, 2005 12:03 PM
Any time I've worked in a place that has designated smoking rooms, that's usually the place to be on a break. Non-smokers infiltrate it and sit amidst the swirling clouds, their heads swivelling in all directions as they follow the rapid conversation but don't actually take part. Strange breed, non-smokers.
I don't fidget, though, and my tooting brothers and sisters don't seem to either. S'like, take a job interview for example... if the interviewer is twiddling a pen between his/her fingers, or constantly fails to make and maintain eye contact, and has a sheet full of questions to remind them of what needs to be asked... they're a non-smoker. No doubt. The guy/gal sat perfectly still though, without so much as an eyebrow twitch gracing their features... they've just sucked a cigarette to death, and have sat down for business. Mind ticking in perfect harmony with the office clock mounted on the wall behind them... they don't need a questionaire, and they tend to have a razor wit. Eye contact, unshakable, total calm... not cheery, just caaalllmmm.
Leaf... come back, "toot and be one of us"... it's not too late!
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 18, 2005 3:15 PM
I wouldnt mind smoking so much, if it didn't call for me to inhale toxins.
"A smoke inhales enough Nicotein in one day to kill him if it were all administered into his body at the same time."
-1138
by Clonereject1138 at October 18, 2005 3:19 PM
I just get a kick out of inhaling formaldehyde... livin' on the edge eh? A miligram of nictotine a day keeps the doctor... uh... working overtime sometimes I spose.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 18, 2005 3:34 PM
Ha, like a dentist giving patients lollypops after their visit. Ensuring future attendance. Shrewd.
by Clonereject1138 at October 18, 2005 3:43 PM
Back in the 80s my old office declared no more indoor smoking except in this huge room on the 4th floor. It was equipped with heavy duty ventilation fans and ducts but to no avail. Long after it was disbanded they couldn't find anyone to lease the space on the entire floor. I always just went outside by myself.
by anna at October 18, 2005 5:52 PM
Oh, and I don't hate anyone worse than lepers. Oh wait, that didn't come out right. Anyway it's just a line from an old Neil Young tune.
by anna at October 18, 2005 5:54 PM
Oh Sure Anna. Blame Neil Young! What's he ever done to you?
by Long Time Lurker at October 18, 2005 9:38 PM
Well there was Rockin' in the Free World: "We gotta kinder gentler machine gun hand."
by anna at October 19, 2005 7:34 AM
I thought the 80's was a prime time to be sucking on smokes... you have to have some kind of relaxing drug in your system to be sporting those hairdos and wearing those jeans without complaining about the fashion of the time.
Some of the female presenters on Fox look like they're trapped in the eighties. Huge fringes held up by copious quantities of hairspray, and the makeup applied with a trowel look. "This next up on Fox Noos... the most powerful name in noos." Heh hah heh. I love how that news channel is presented like a preview for a Hollywood blockbuster. Dun dun dun, Fox!!!... bow, chicka kerching... wop wop... "Iraqi officials die in suicide bombing..." *drum beat* *heavy rock type tune* "Senator whatshisface declares 'I'm no cheat!'" Bow wow, wow, duff duff, chicka chicka wop wop.
Those commercials you guys have for you Army reserves, too... surreal. S'like watching an advertisement for Action figures. "Pension sold seperately, chances of dying reasonably low, ARMY RESERVE, JOIN NOW!"
American kids everywhere are experiencing a new high as they watch the AWESOME moving pictures and declare, at age four, "Mom, I wanna be a marine!"
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 19, 2005 8:33 AM
I remember walking out of a Houston covention center(threee football fields long, and 4 stories high) and opening the door to breath in the fresh city air. Weren't that fresh. A mob of smokers an congregated armoun one of thosse ash barrels, their extinguished cigareetes standing, butt high, in rows in the ashey sand. Looked like a grave yard. Forebodeing.
by Clonereject1138 at October 19, 2005 9:50 AM
The Army commercials are interesting. The Army has been advertising heavily for filmmakers, writers, and A/V crew for several years. I'm sure the positions looked especially good when the economy was bad. These new commercials seem to be the result. There is nothing wrong with serving in the Army, but you hit the nail on the head with "Chances of dying 'reasonably' low."
by jean at October 19, 2005 1:17 PM
Well, mabey in the army the chances are high, but not so the airforce. Unless you crash.
the fisrt 70 deaths were engineering accidents.
by Clonereject1138 at October 19, 2005 6:19 PM
I am becoming reasonably certain our new pal is a Katrina victim. I'd sure like to hear a first person account of what went on there.
And I don't get the army's slogan, "An Army of One." Isn't it supposed to be about teamwork and loss of individuality?
by anna at October 20, 2005 7:30 AM
There's one of a young American man jogging through the burbs explaining why he joined up. "Not just for my family..." Passing kids playing in a park, only to have a young woman jog beside him, "Or for my friends..." When there are five or six joggers he says the word freedom, you know if it's American the word Liberty is going to make a showing, and then the word country. ARMY RESERVE! He doesn't say: because my education sucked slightly, due to a lack of government funding, I was forced to join up for the money, to support my family, unskilled, I couldn't do anything else... The slogan: "Be All We've Allowed You To Be!"
There's an ad for the British Territorial Army that shows six or seven guy and gals buying chips from a chippie, where else? And they all come out of the place laughing and pushing one another, as you do, and they climb into a black cab ready to hit the town. Then the taxi becomes a chopper and they all start screaming bollocks at one another, and are suddenly clad head to foot in a soldiers get up, packing weapons, covered in war paint... and they all hop out of the chopper giving a little war cry... the last steps on a bag of chips... and they're all suddenly back out on the town laughing and pushing each other again. The slogan...
"T.A!" ... heh. Leaves an audience going, "hmm?" TA: Toy Army, as it is lovingly named.
The Brit regular army slogan is, "Be the Best!" Which makes you wonder why the T.A's isn't something similar. Since it's the T.A that make up the majority of soldiers in Iraq.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 20, 2005 9:17 AM
I think you are correct anna. Maybe if we bribe him with some kind of treat, he will give us a story.
And it's not really true about the Air Force airmen being less likely to be killed in Iraq. More and more non-pilot types for the Air Force are being used on the ground in Iraq. They are manning guns in convoys.
It is pretty interesting that both the British and American forces are using mostly non-professional soldiers in Iraq. Makes me want to join the National Guard.
by Long Time Lurker at October 20, 2005 11:08 AM
I just read an article on Gwyneth Paltrow sticking it to Britain as a whole saying that, "The streets are dirty, and people are too laid back, which makes for poor customer service." She had to wait two weeks for her ISP to come out and fix her connection. That's special treatment as far as I am aware, I had to wait three weeks for mine to activate my account. Apparantly it rains a lot here too, and even the summers can suddenly get cold. Nooo shit! Welcome to Britain, show me a brochure for UK holidays that displays white beaches and sunny skies, please! She advises all Americans to wear cashmir sweaters should they visit, just in case a cold phase hits. Or y'know, should you not be a multi-million dollar face of Hollywood, a standard nylon thing'll do I reckon.
Best thing was, the British tourist board said, "It only rains 187 or so days each year..." Great argument that! And, "The streets are much cleaner than they were a couple of decades ago..." She means than they were during The Blitz I imagine.
You people should start writing in to your celebrity magazines and telephoning E! Let Gwyneth know that you want her back state-side. I don't need to read shit like this in my paper. Seriously, you'd be doing me a huge favour. ;)
I've hijacked this thread twice now... I'm getting good at this. :D
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 20, 2005 6:45 PM
I'm just waiting for my chance to get my hands on Apple. Or else she could hook up with Dave Chappel if he ever comes out of hiding. Apple Chappel!
by anna at October 21, 2005 7:45 AM
Mercenaries are alot nicer than they used to be.
I remember some poor bloke who got blown out of a windo, as his videocamera looked like a rocket launcher.
Where do the terrorists get all their guns? Oh, yeah, we supplied em. Bastards.
Why so we send fliers to man machine guns? Thats...stupid.
We should've nuked that fucking region, and the troublsome people with it.(I dont mean that, but seeing more and more of our boys get shot by some fucking idoit praising some heathen god in a God-forsaken wasteland. Let the bitches kill eachother, just leave us alone.
by Clonereject1138 at October 21, 2005 10:39 AM
"We should('ve) nuke(d) that fucking region, and the troublsome people with it"
Y'know, the more I hear it the nicer it sounds. All right so I've edited it slightly, but after sitting in a pub tonight listening to: "bloody Kosovo's (that's what they're caling em, each one is now an entire nation) are everywhere" from the factory working tabloid readers sitting in my local. Fuck it, let's do it. Democracy, Saddam and his possible matrydom(sp?), AK toting idiots with the permitted one AK per household (you Americans really need to sort out your tolerence of fire arms). Alright, a democratic country like yours, powerful, filled with intelligent people, meh, it may not be so bad. But in the unstable middle east, you're arming civilians, who inevitably become militants, that end up killing coalition soldiers. Uh... where was I? Yea, democracy, fuck that... total annihilation, East vs West, winner takes all...
... I'll go off and fight for old blighty, perhaps churn out some poetry while sitting in a war zone staring at death, and maybe help the teenage hoodies and chavs of the UK, suddenly wearing khaki's and holding an SA80, find a place and purpose for their sad little lives. I'm all for it, if only to stop the idiots swallowing the half eaten musings of some racist journalist whose average reader sports an IQ in double digits, and invariably appears in my local spouting horse shit and drumming great hordes of fellow double digit countrymen.
w00t, 1337, tres c00l }8-D I hate debating in pubs, I get all pent up. Right now I could watch the middle east take some heavy nukes on my widescreen tv, kicking back with a beer and a joint and a toothy smile splayed across my broodingly wankered features. :) I'm off to bed. Eee.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 21, 2005 8:39 PM