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Cuz boy you know we loved you so when no one knew your name and you were pompous
by anna at 09:43 AM on October 30, 2005
Hark! Hear ye, hear ye! Sage pearls of wisdom are here. If you work in an office setting or aspire to, read on as I will share the secret of success in such a workplace.
Success has nothing to do with technical savy or proficiency. It is all about how you're perceived by coworkers and management. And that is all about day-to-day chitchat. Yes, this is idle but it is also vitally important for your nascent career. Not what you say, but what you don't say. There are specific topics that will either bore others to tears, disgust them or otherwise make you unlikeable and thus immediately dispensable.
1) Your unpleasant medical problems or anyone's in your family.
2) The success of your children.
3) The failures or shortcomings of your children.
4) Baby pictures of any sort. All babies look the same unless they are yours.
5) How much things you've purchased cost.
6) How much you saved at Walmart or Costco.
7) The weather.
8) The intricacies of your particular job.
9) How overworked you are.
10) The way somebody screwed up a given project, case or meeting.
11) Politics.
12) Religion.
13) TV shows or movies you watched. Everything is lost in translation.
14) Your pet peeves. They are like assholes in that everyone has them. If you share yours, you're an asshole.
15) Anything to do with your sex life, unless you are young, attractive and have a penchant for wild, sweaty orgies.
So what does that leave? Nothing. Just keep your yap shut and do your job. Be a silent enigma, a blank slate. It's best that people have no opinion whatsoever of you personally.
comments (5)
In Germany you shake hands when you greet people. Everyday. Every... goddamn... day. People you've worked with the majority of your adult life, you shake their hands, everyday! My English brethren have a knack for spouting a question that's more of a reflex than a genuine desire to know, like, "How are you?" when a greeting takes longer than the time required to nod and say, "Hello." Round about the same length of time it takes to shake somebody's hand. They gotta fill that silence, a simple hello wouldn't cut it. The no speaky thing would go out the window Anna.
As it stands, with businesses all over the place adopting what I assumed was an American sense of T.E.A.M, it's impossible to get anywhere without being thrown into some extremely uncomfortable place in which people have to reveal more about themselves than they would under normal, non work related social circumstances.
"Let's... introduce ourselves. Obviously shy girl with the red face in the corner there, looking like you're about to have a heart attack. Why don't you start?" *smile*
Any time I've endured the two week get to know your colleagues and work place trial, there've been bill boards displaying obscure abbreviations relating to team work. "A.C.T.I.O.N! Acronyms Can Teach Idiots Obscure Nonsense." And some fop of a suit covered twat with a toothy grin wielding little blue booklets filled with team building excercises that a small group of English people blush and gibber their way through.
"Build a pyramid of straws using this tape. Shy girl, why don't you team up with the guy who interrupted you as you stammered through your quiet intro with his own introduction, clearly not trying to give you time to slow your heart rate to below 390bpm and ease your passing through this ridiculous get to know you horse shit. Perhaps you can teach him some manners."
I always blamed America, as a whole. Coffee break between pointless shitty group thingy, "S'the fucking Americans importing this team building shit." ASDA was just a normal, everyday English super market until Walmart bought it out. A week after that news was old, English staff could be seen clapping along to a theme tune devised by some crazy American with team spirit in mind. "Goooo ASDA!" People standing around: "Where on Earth are those people from?"
I'm glad not all Americans go in for that crap. Whenever you're mentioned by English folk as a stereotyped culture, you're overly up beat and annoying, all for the team and team building thing with annoyingly bleached white teeth and a little too much enthusiasm. ;)
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 30, 2005 8:49 PM
There is an ice ream parlor in my hood. The servers are behind a counter and periodically they....burst into song. I assume it is not spontaneous and is a job requirement but dude, you couldn't pay me enough.
Team-building. Have gazed into a shy Asian girls' eyes for a minute and then described to her what I saw. Tense moments...
by anna at October 31, 2005 7:37 AM
Crimson, there is hope. Have you ever seen the movie Office Space? If not, I recommend it. It's a cult classic here.
Anna, I hate that stuff. Who would want to look a stranger in their eyes for a minute, anyways? It's uncomfortable, aggressive and challenging. Imagine trying that on the street somewhere. There's a reason why we don't do it.
People assume that all American business practices are good, because America generally is very successful. It isn't true. Some are good. The rest... ugh.
by jean at October 31, 2005 1:41 PM
Yeah I've seen it. "I'm just not gonna go."
"You gonna quit?"
"Mm-no, I'm just not gonna go."
About the only thing that forms and holds a team together is the collective contempt for the suit covered fop wielding the little blue booklets filled with team building shit. So in that sense it works. But good lord, if I could take a high powered rifle to the heads of those who devise these things, I would do it gladly.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at October 31, 2005 3:08 PM
And so much of it is just to justify the jobs of people who travel around and put on these sham exercises. I think participants hate it uniformly.
by anna at October 31, 2005 6:01 PM