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anna

Safety Dance

by anna at 01:15 PM on July 24, 2005

We are safe and sound. We are too damn safe. Time was men in particular, and I suspect more than few young lasses, valued verve. People walked around with pistols strapped in holsters, ready to blow somebody else's head off at the slightest provocation or perceived slight. I'll get back to that thought in due time.

Due to the proliferation of frivolous lawsuits, manufacturers slap a plethora of silly warning labels on every product they churn out. Get in a car and it says that anyone under 12 is in grave danger of being crushed to death by the front air bags. Now when my son was 12 he was taller and outweighed me....but never mind that. It also says to sit as far from the killer bag as possible.

My mower says that to lessen the danger of serious injury or death I should keep my hands and feet away from the rotating blade. (It is silent about my other appendage.) Likewise, when I bought my new disposal, it warned: "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD THE USER PUT HAND IN UNIT WHILE IT IS OPERATING. DISCONNECT POWER BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO UNJAM." Ya think?

The newspaper comes in a plastic bag that most assuredly IS NOT A TOY! There is a clear and present danger of small children suffocating if they put it over their heads. Hmmm. There are still more examples of this inanity to be found here.

The one group that purports to boycott the Safety Dance is rappers. They pretend to be like those Wild West gunslingers of yore. Shooting one another, bitch-slapping they hos, knocking over liquor stores, ripping off bookies and dealers and so on. I, having seen their sumptuous spreads on Cribs, am not buying it. These guys couldn't fight their way out of a cobweb. They wouldn't know a Mac-9 from Bernie Mac. Their trophy wives withhold bootie until he gets around to fixing the latch on their cabana. (She wants privacy when romping with the pool boy.)

I don't care about safety. I've never had a checkup. I cross the road wherever I please. I don't know my cholesterol number or blood pressure. If I did, I wouldn't know what it meant. I speed, litter, run through redlights, drink, smoke, gamble and spit. I've broken every bone in my body. My life is like Fight Club. Sometimes just for kicks I'll stick my hand in the disposal while it's running. You get a few cuts and bruises but nothing too serious. I haven't tried the mower blade just yet.

I'm also in favor of anarchy. Whether it's on the soccer field, cutting deals at work, fighting or (in my single days) approaching hotties, I am supremely confident---cocky, some might say---about my own ability to come out on top. And anarchy is nothing but Darwinian survival of the fittest.

I hear a lot of talk these days about more successful nations helping out failure nations. And while I understand the compassion and empathy, I don't buy the "misfortune of others." Everyone had an equal chance to become the most prosperous and powerful. In fact, Africa boasts a vast expanse of fertile land and a wealth of minable raw materials. It's got tons of oil too. it's had the longest time to develop. The reason everything sucks there is because the people have allowed themselves to be dominated by greedy tyrants and warlords who want to take everything for themselves and their cronies. We once had a situation like that here. It was called British occupation. So we kicked their asses and threw them out. End of story.

comments (9)

No, France gave you your freedom (hence that rather large statue you have as a reminder from them). If it were not for the French you would have been retained as part of the British Empire and you were not occupied; as you also were the occupiers of a land that was not yours to begin with (because most of you were British at that time, well the ones that were fighting for freedom with the help of pesky French were). If that is not the truth, then boy, someone has some serious history re-writing to do.

As a Brit' your final few lines made me laugh. Such a disregard for the truth in order to maximise a delivery; you should have been a politician heh...

by tek at July 25, 2005 4:03 AM


Oh, I know. The truth is so often routine and boring that those who traffic in rhetoric must choose to ignore it. But the fact remains that this country was colonized by Brits who brought most of its wealth back home for themselves. When the colonists tired of this war ensued. One side won, the other lost. If you need to enlist allies, then do it. All is fair...

by anna at July 25, 2005 7:45 AM


Peole who litter are mean and ugly.

I was looking for free html editors (some simple tool for simple html instead of writing everything by hand), and upon installing "Yahoo! SiteBuilder" I had to agree not to use the software while operating heavy machinery or riding a bicycle (but the EULA didn't mention light machinery). So I can write web pages while mowing the lawn, or making a smoothie, but not while riding my bike. Damn! I was also forbidden from using the software to run a nuclear powerplant.
Imagine some lawyer sat down and typed that out in all caps for a free html editor. Incredible.

"I don't buy the misfortune of others. Everyone had an equal chance to prosper..." Man that is great news. I guess it's just a matter of time before I'm as rich as George Bush or Bill Gates. Awesome Blossom.

by chris at July 25, 2005 10:13 PM


Fuck Yeah.

no misfortune.

KICK ASS and Succeed or Fail..

...fucking Kill them all... let LOCKHEED sort them out.

by lockheed at July 25, 2005 10:20 PM


It's funny you'd mention littering Chris. That is the one thing I made up. The other day I told my son about how my family used to cruise down the highway (as a little kid) throwing all our cartons and such out the window, like everyone did in the 60's. He was astounded.

I'm baffled when I see neatly bagged bags of garbage on the side of the road. What is up with that?

Don't nuke plants pretty much run themselves?

No misfortune. Destiny...

by anna at July 26, 2005 7:40 AM


I always assumed bagged garbage on the freeway was left there by prison inmates who had been cleaning up trash. A lot of the time I see them out there bagging with the same bags. In L.A, they're bright orange.

by jean at August 3, 2005 4:20 AM


A perfectly logical explanation. What about that single dilapidated shoe that is roadside everywhere?

by anna at August 3, 2005 7:44 AM


Yeah, I always wonder about the lonely shoes on the sides of roads. Where does it come from? There aren't that many one-legged people walking around. (I originally wrote peglegs, but figured I might be executed for my lack of sensitivity.)

One thing I loved about Central America was the lack of safety measure. A few places I went that were touristy completely lacked safety railings, etc. If you fell off the cliff/volcano/ruin, it was your own damn fault. If you don't have a good sense of balance, you shouldn't go that way.

I laughed about the full bags of garbage on the side of the road... one thing in Central America I didn't love was the litter that was on the side of the road. People were always throwing their wrappers/cans/whatever out the windows of buses. Maybe in a few years, they'll have started to fill up garbage bags on the buses, passing them down the aisle, then when it reaches the back, they'll just chuck it out the emergency exit.

by leaffin at August 3, 2005 9:31 AM


the reason the trash puzzles me is that it is neatly bagged, implying that it came from a residence. Most of which have trash service that is either county-provided or dirt cheap. It would seem easier to just cart the can to the curb than to lug nasty garbage into your cat to chuck it out on the road.

by anna at August 4, 2005 6:31 PM