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starfish with its arms out in a daze
by snaggle at 01:40 AM on June 09, 2005
So I don't know where my life is going. Ever since I've moved to California, everything seem nebulous, tenuous, etherial. Those of you who've moved halfway across the country (or world) will know what I mean; for a good portion of at least a year or so, everything doesn't seem quite real. I can be driving on the 101, staring exits for Hollywood right in the face, and still not quite believe life has actually led me here. I go to Santa Monica, right by my work, and stare at the water, thinking: "This can't be real. It's an ocean."
What constitutes a real memory? Lately, my yoga classes have seemed more real than work. I feel like I've been in a daze, wandering my way through the workday, until 7:30 hits a few times a week and I contort myself into various interesting poses (which, hopefully, will prove to make me dynamite in the sack. I'll keep you posted on that one.) And yet....
What happens to others' memories of us once we leave? I left Iowa, leaving behind my sheltering cradle of many good friends, good acquaintances, random familiar faces, and came here to Los Angeles. What do they think of me? I think of the random clerk at Target who always used to check me out (my purchases and my package) ... I remember the acquaintance who let me purchase my first alcohol at the store, even though I was underage. When I was in Rome, I called a list of people rather regularly, as it was much cheaper to call back to the States than vice versa. Often times I would catch them by surprise, even after leaving several voicemails. "Didn't expect to hear from you! How's Rome?" they'd say, though I'd given them periodic recorded updates from a continent away. Did they think about me?
And I still think about this guy. Why? It doesn't make sense. The other day I saw someone that looked only slightly like him but yet my heart lept and I was inches away from darting across the street, through four lanes of traffic, to shout "Brady!! Brady, it's me!" And I also imagine him showing up at my door, some late night, looking like a lost puppy and hoping I could take him in for a while.
Does he think about me?
comments (10)
Are you worried that your old friends are mad that you moved so far away, Snaggle? I suppose that if they're immature, they might. Four of my best friends don't live in California anymore. They're in the Midwest and the East Coast. It is hard having them so far away, but I know they had to go where they did so they could live their lives the way they want to. I know that we still care for each other the same. Even friends I have that live nearby get swept up in their relationships or jobs, and they're not always around the moment I want to talk to them. But they're there for me when I need them.
The ocean is great. It's so beautiful. Look at the mountains on a crisp winter day, too.
by jean at June 9, 2005 2:49 AM
That person who sticks in your craw for some inexplicable reason is the one you need to hunt down and wed. But of course, this country being what it is, you'll have to settle for domestic partnership. That doesn't sound very romantic.
by anna at June 9, 2005 7:59 AM
No, jean, I don't think they're mad that I've moved away; after all, many of them are now "Iowa diaspora." It's more "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. Perhaps it's just an irrational fear on my part, though.
I've always been intrigued by the possibility that you can see a stranger regularly and then, suddenly, never see them again. What happens to them?
by snaggle at June 9, 2005 12:58 PM
We're all strangers in a strange land...
by LOckheed at June 9, 2005 7:01 PM
NO. SNAGGLE. When he thinks about you, he thinks about you in APPREHENSION...
..Why I KNOW THIS?.... COMPLETELY aside from SEXUAL ORIENTATION...
...IT"S A RACE issue....
..oh how many I've touched in a bad way.... and known as the 'CLASSIC" 'MALADJUTED' "ASIAN guy hitting on white people in AMERICA.
by Lockheeed at June 9, 2005 8:38 PM
He is single-handedly dismantling the pristine collective image of Asians everywhere.
by anna at June 10, 2005 7:34 AM
Heh heh
I would like to say Hey, Asians are not either pristine! But actually maybe we are. My theory is that any traditional, Old World culture is pristine compared to modern Americans. But the longer immigrants live in America, the more American they become, no matter where they came from. If it doesn't happen to them, it'll happen to their kids or grandchildren. The traditional cultures are also getting more modern themselves, but I think America still has a very big lead.
by jean at June 15, 2005 3:03 AM
Must say I agree. But it doesn't explain why so many, say, South Americans come here and never really assimilate or abandon their old ways and mores.
by anna at June 15, 2005 7:37 AM
Which South Americans do you mean? I've known some Brazilians and a person from Peru, and they were pretty Americanized. Maybe the Americanization is going slower among Hispanics because there are so many of them. I'm positive it's happening, though. America might become a little more Hispanic in the end, but the Hispanics will become American even more. If that makes sense :)
by jean at June 17, 2005 8:29 PM
Wow, very bad at checking Bad Sam recently. But if Snaggle writes, I must comment. Especially if it hits this close to home.
Since I´ve been travelling my way through Central America and people´s lives, I frequently have near out-of-body experiences where I step back and think to myself, ¨holy fuck, i can´t believe I´m here doing this.¨ And as I drift in and out of people´s lives here, I realize that I also drift in and out of friends from home´s thoughts in the States. And other places. Just today I was sitting in a bus staring at the green, rolling Nicaraguan hills and thinking of people that I´ve met during this journey.. people I haven´t thought of in months. Strange. I probably won´t see them again.
And now I´m finally going back to the States (within a week!), and I´ll get to start feeling some of the same weird feelings that Snaggle is still feeling, months and months after moving to a new place. But this time, I might be feeling those same surreal feelings in a place where everything is familiar. Maybe it´ll feel like I was one of those people kidnapped by aliens and returned to the same place as before, only to feel like the same place as before is completely alien.
by Leaffin at June 22, 2005 10:51 PM