Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive.

by anna at 06:41 PM on May 17, 2005

I remember when the announcement of the new TV schedule was a big deal. Would there be a new Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie or Green Acres in the works? Or maybe a spinoff of All in the Family or LA Law. Now it's like, whatever. Part of the reason is the imitative nature of the TV biz. Part of it is Hollywood narcissism. And more of it is the creativity stifling forces of censorship/"decency" and political correctness. Remove these scourges and you'd have this unstoppable prgramming juggernaut:

Down at the Hootenanny: Antics of rural folk. Sample Dialogue:
Jed: Now son, the best place to screw a sheep is at the edge of a cliff.
Jethro: Why is that dad?
Jed: Cuz then they buck backatcha jes like a real daughter!
Jethro: Did you snag muh Oxycontin agin?
Third Watch Redux: Lazy cops and firemen loll around the station and donut shops, sexually harrassing their coworkers.
Passing: A light-skinned black man passes for white and infiltrates the KKK. Hi jinks ensue.
Straight and Narrow: After his partner catches the HIV, a gay guy resolves to go straight. The jilted guy stalks him, trying to ruin his dates with a stunning degree of success.
If It's Got Subtitles, It Ain't Porn: Each week it's a different smutty foreign film, starting with this French job wherein the 1st 10 minutes shows a graphically brutal anal rape. It is art, dammit.
The East Wing: An all-Hispanic casts stars as the lowly White House domestic help. When they aren't making lewd remarks about saintly Laura Bush, they bugger each other like savages.
My Three Bitches: A brawny convict humiliates his bitches and makes them beg him to bend them over toilet seats. Then he gives them swirlies. We're not in Oz anymore.
The Sleepover: Parents rig the family room with hidden cameras and mics just in time for pre-pube Jessica's party. Perverts with pants around their ankles welcome.
That's Pathetic: Hey everybody, let's poke fun at the needy, the afflicted and has-been rock stars.