I'm taking what they're giving cuz I'm working for a living

by anna at 07:31 PM on May 24, 2005

There's all these jobs that need to be done but nobody wants to lower themselves to do them. Rev Jesse Jackson recently caused a flap when he said that Mexicans flood across our borders to take jobs even blacks won't take. As someone who's never worked an honest days work in his life, I guess he ought to know.

But there is a huge imbalance in the work situation these days. And I know why: jobs aren't advertised, or marketed, the right way.

Wanted:
Nanny: Drug the kids, order carryout, toss it on the table in its original packaging and then go do your nails. Watch Dr. Phil. Do what modern housewives have been doing for some time now. Only you will get paid. And you will actually enjoy servicing the man of the house. $30,000 a year + room and board.
MLB Outfielder: One of the few jobs where you can still chew tobacco, scratch your balls and spit at will. Mostly you'll just stand around in a lush field and daydream. 4 times a shift you'll swing a stick at a ball that's moving way too fast to hit. And like an overgrown mushroom after an overnight deluge, you can pop up one day twice the size as you were the day before and nobody will call you out. $5 million a year.
IT Guy: The dirty little secret is that computers seldom break and the "network" rarely "goes down." So you can while away your days gambling and viewing porn online. Just make sure to maintain that pained scowl that says you're working on some really grueling computer-like project. Say something about RAM or ROM or something now and then. $60,000+
Cabana Boy: Hey, the money's no good but those middle-aged suburban housewives can teach you a trick or two to use on your gal-pal. Just ask Eva Longoria's gardener.
Garbageman: Who else gets to cruise around hanging off the back of a truck? You're off by noon and the hydraulic lift does all the hard work. $40,000 + salvage.
Sports Agent: Syphon off 10% of 5 athletes' multimillion dollar contracts and you will earn as much as them with no physical contact or risk of injury. $2,000,000 a year.
Roadie: Again, the money's not great but sloppy seconds aren't bad. By the time it's your turn the groupies are all lubed up and rearing to go. Take your pick of orifi!
Mechanic: In this day of 100,000 mile warranties the big parts like transmissions never go bad. When a customers comes in, rub your chin knowingly like a psychiatrist. Then pretend to do something with that diagnostic machine and tell them its some obscure relay or computer chip. When that doesn't work offer to replace the entire "brain." When that doesn't work offer to buy the car for peanuts and then fix it in your ample spare time. $80000 plus car sales profit
Hit Man: Choose your own hours! $100,000+
Whore: Call yourself a "sex worker," it's much more dignified. Earn your living without getting out of bed. It's everyone's dream. $100,000 less 100% pimp cut.

Who did I leave out?