And he just smoked my eyelids and punched my cigarette

by anna at 06:43 PM on May 02, 2005

Today I ate lunch at a chicken joint located next to a hotel with a huge banner that proclaims, "Free High-Speed Internet Access (for hotel guests only.)" I'm musing, "No way! You mean any bozo off the street can't walk in and use your computers?"

At this point I become aware of the garrulous presence of a large group of SWAT team guys. And no, there was no hostage situation at Chik Fil A. They were evidently there for a convention at the hotel. We're talking ultra-manly men. Square jaws, buzz cuts, barrel chests and rippling biceps. Some wore tight t-shirts with slogans like: Domination. Confrontation. Elimination. They spoke loudly of guns, sports and babes. You wouldn't smell more testosterone at a Mike Tyson prize fight of yore.

I instantly felt inferior. Never mind that I bagged more than my fair share of babes back in the day. Never mind that I have a stunning wife. Never mind that I make a good living. Never mind that I have visited all the important places in the US. Never mind that I am into sports, knowledgeable about wars and armies and weapons. I was the wimp getting sand kicked in his face by a brute who later steals his woman and spits in his face.

I feel the same way on the soccer field. These are macho men. They use special soccer lingo. There's a team comprised of army men. There's another Latino team that exudes their brash brand of machismo. There's even an Arab team that seems manly in its own quaint way. Even my teammates make me feel like a prison bitch when I screw something up. "You've got to get rid of the ball faster." "You are too quick to get rid of the ball. Look around. Make a play." "That just isn't getting it done. You suck."

You might have surmised that I've always felt more comfortable with the fairer sex. All my life I've either had a steady girlfriend or a wife. These people have always been my main confidantes and companions. I can simply relate better to women than men. Since I've been married I've learned that it is possible to also be friends with women without there being romantic complications. This has eliminated the need for men in my life.

Here's where it gets a little shady. A couple times I've found myself relating to gay guys. One was a guy I worked with. He was openly gay, yet interested in many of the same things as me: Sports, cars, weapons and old movies. It was one of those deals where you talk about such stuff at work, and start considering going the next step and suggesting lunch or some other type of outing together. But in that situation I never did. Even though he had a longterm boyfriend, I certainly didn't want to convey the idea that I wanted to.... you know... take it up the toucus. So I would toy with the notion and then bag it. Eventually he left to take a job as a bricklayer.

I can only imagine the ribbing he takes from the mortar men.