« When I was arrested I was dressed in black | Main | Isn't it time to dial down the rhetoric and lose the self-righteousness? »

leaffin

Closure

by leaffin at 09:42 PM on March 28, 2005

Call me a silly, but I need closure to things. Friendship not going well and you don´t hear from the other party? Worse, your significant other just stops calling you? Or something in between? I can´t stand it. In that regard, I think I´m pretty normal. So, speaking of sex on the beach...

No, no, I haven´t had any (sex on the beach) recently. Since I´ve been on the road again, I´ve been behaving myself fairly well. However, I kinda had some pre-planned sex in El Salvador that just never really happened. And I want some fucking closure.

So the story goes like this:

I met a Kiwi in Nicaragua in November. Hot surfer type with a brain (yeah, they DO exist). Sex on the beach ensued. And lots of talking ... I actually liked the Kiwi a lot. The Kiwi returns in February after exchanging one or two flirty e-mails and a very loose agreement that I could hop in the VW bus the Kiwi was travelling in. Things go well with the Kiwi the second time around; more sex on the beach ensues. The Kiwi is with 2 best mates from Kiwi-land, but still says I can hop in. We agree to e-mail, seeing as I wasn´t leaving Nicaragua until a week after them. We exchanged e-mails, with the last one saying that they were leaving for El Salvador the next morning and would e-mail me when they get somewhere there that we can meet up at.

Needless to say, I never got an e-mail. I checked my e-mail daily for about a week until I realized that I wasn´t going to get one. I was a bit peeved at first, and definitely a bit hurt. I ran into a guy in Guatemala who knew the Kiwis and myself who said that they´d just passed through a few days earlier. Evidence that I´d been rejected. With much self-control, I held myself back from e-mailing the Kiwi.

Until today. I´m at a surf beach in Mexico kinda wondering where to go and I just sent an e-mail asking if they were around. If they were, I suggested we all party together some night, but I also made it clear that I was heading on by the weekend (no commitment needed, in other words).

I hope I get an e-mail back, but I feel good because I´ve at least initiated closure. And although I´m not really keeping my hopes up, I just might get some action out of this whole closure thing.

comments (21)

If you had asked me beforehand, I'd have advised against the e-mail, and just said to take the sex and fun flirty e-mails with a smile and to let it alone, until, if ever you saw him again.

You don't need closure, you need a bloke's brain. That way you'd barely remember the guy was even a Kiwi, or if he was even any good, or whether or not you'd know him if he walked right up and repeated his name several times with a hopeful look on his face.

No I took that too far, you would remember if he was any good.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 29, 2005 1:08 AM


I dunno. The longer I've been marrried, both the good and the bad have faded into equal obscurity. I can't even picture them. But I do agree with Crim that closure is more of a female concept, like mind-reading. Oh no, I've said... too much.

by anna at March 29, 2005 8:34 AM


I figured I'd get a similar response from you males out there... and Crimson, I also knew when I hit SEND that it probably wasn't the best e-mail to send.

On the other hand, I was more than just a one night stand; it was definitely a repeat hookup. However, Crimson, you're absolutely right... when the Kiwi returned, he couldn't remember if I was from Canada or the States. At least he got the continent correct, right?

I'm not always like this, though... several Nicaraguans I drunkenly ended up in the bedroom/beach with just got a friendly hello the next time I saw them, despite the fact that they were trying to get a bit more. I was about to say that that was kinda guy-like behavior, but maybe a guy would just go for some easy action and turn the friendly wave into some flirting.

by Leaffin at March 29, 2005 12:57 PM


Your whole approach sounds like a bizarre combination of male and female to me.

firstly, looking for closure out of a "repeat hookup" doesn't make alot of sense to me. definitely female. he blew you off. Fine. Don't make yourself seem desperate (or show your desperation etc) by making the first move after that. geez, let the asshole find some action someplace else. I'm sure you'll have plenty of guys trying to get into your pants in no time (or shorts or whatever you're wearing down in the warmer climes), that is, if the line of guys ever stopped.

second, "I just might get some action out of this whole closure thing" sounds very guy like. That I can understand. That thought is the only rationalle that I can see this Kiwi emailing back to you for, a little action.

good luck with that. Sounds like you have a nice carefree existence down there. whooo...

by chuckwoolery at March 29, 2005 6:42 PM


Kiwis are like from New Zealand, right? They have hat quasi-English, Aussie-variant accents? Ddi that play into your decision to beach (?) him repeatedly?t

by anna at March 29, 2005 7:20 PM


Here's a braintwister...if he e-mails you back, he's a player. If he doesn't, he's ashamed. No middle ground.

by fcsuper at March 29, 2005 10:29 PM


Yeah Kiwi’s are Noo Zealanders, like that dude in Star Wars. They have question intonation, which makes em sound enthusiastic about everything, interested in everything, and curious about everything, as you speak to em.

I've often wondered if they can tell the droll boring types from the genuinely enthusiastic types in New Zealand, as New Zealanders... I have an Aussie friend who seems chuffed about everything, most of the time he actually has to state when he is being sarcastic, because his tone just lets him down and makes him sound perky.

One thing you can’t do in text is a good example of question intonation. I suppose the best way to do is to just put a question mark at the end of every line.

Anglo-man: “Alright mate how are you?”

Aussie: “I’m fine?”

Anglo-man: “Good. You been going out a lot recently?”

Aussie: “Yeah? I went a club last Thursday?”

Anglo-man: “Ah right, seeya then.”

Aussie: “Goodbye?”

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 29, 2005 10:32 PM


I'm still confused as to what you are doing in south america?

Peace corps?

Oil company consultant?

Economic Hitman? or woman?

by Lockheed at March 29, 2005 11:45 PM


She said what she's doing there, cavorting with Kiwis on the seashore. Works for me.

by anna at March 30, 2005 8:45 AM


Technically, I´m in North America. Currently in Mexico, but heading back down to Central America soon. I think in the grand scheme of 7 continents, Central America is part of North America. However, someone here told me that they´re taught that Central America is another continent. Hm.

Anna, yes, Kiwi accent is appealling. Also allowed me to add another continent to the conquerage list. (I´ve got a mental snog list and mental conquerage list, both organized by country. Snog list is much much longer, thank god.)

Update: As of yet, no e-mail. And I´m fine with that.

by Leaffin at March 30, 2005 1:17 PM


I have to admit, I don't understand the closure thing either. Hooking up for closure is basically just screwing, with the knowledge that this is likely the last time. Which begs the question: how is screwing different with or without the knowledge that this may be the last time? And why do we find it necessary to try to predict the future this way?
I think closure is much talked about, but in fact very elusive. A lot of people want it, but some have a hard time getting it. I think some people act like they have it but are actually faking it. I don't know if men have an easier time acheiving closure or not, although my guess is that women spend more time talking about it than men. Hmmm, there seems to be some parallels here between closure and something else, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
There are two things that strike me: you mentioned lots of talking. Thus I'd imagine you feel like you had a connection, that likely felt deeper than the few inches of fun afterwards. So you got a chance to hang out on the living room of who he is, and you liked what you saw. It was a comfortable place, and perhaps you thought you'd be invited back now and then. I guess I can see wanting the chance to take one last look, and say good bye. But better yet, why not simply relax with the knowledge that there are beautiful places out there (minds/people) that you have been, and that you never know if you will visit again. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Perhaps it's something along the lines of not wanting the vulnerability of looking forward to a place that you don't know if you'll see again, so saying goodbye (through closure) puts it back on your terms. The second thing is pre-planned sex that never came to fruition. I wonder if this is more of a problem for women than for men. I think men have more experience looking forward to pre-planned sex that never materializes - so perhaps they're more used to it, and less likely to dwell on it.
Either way, I can imagine that Kiwi simply wasn't in a good space in terms of contacting you, things may have been busy, hectic, maybe he never had a chance, and so you fell through the cracks during that particular week. He's still out there. He still thinks of you now and then. Who knows if he's open, closed, or just a flake?

by chris at March 30, 2005 1:54 PM


Oh you are a sexy goddess, this hot sex talk you deliver gives me an excruciating hard on.

by Rambledog at March 30, 2005 2:21 PM


I have one of those lists Leaffin, I carry miniature Union Flags which I stick in the foreheads of women when they're still on their backs. Heh. If you ever see a woman from the European continent with a little dot in the centre of her forehead, know that I have been there.

Closure, I spose, you only need when you're expecting more than just sex, which is what Chris just said, heh. The Kiwi, my guess is he is with his mates livin' it large, and the women he has been with only come to mind when he's thinking about having some sex - which for us blokes is often - and mentally taking his pick from who he'd like to see again, from the list of 'been withs', or instead he is actually targetting new women to satiate the wanting some.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at March 30, 2005 4:41 PM


Leaffin kind of is a strange combination of male and female... at least in thought processes.

And sheesh, I wish I had enough to organize by country... my list is ... well, actually I've stopped keeping a list. You go back to being a virgin after long enough without getting any, right?

by snaggle at March 30, 2005 7:42 PM


Um, thanks Snaggle?

Chris, as usual, you´ve hit it dead on. You basically described exactly what´s in my head. Oddly enough, just the process of writing the e-mail and sending has made me feel much much better. I actually headed south to a non-surfing beach shortly after writing it, so I´m probably farther away from him, and if he HAD e-mailed me back, dunno if I would have travelled north again. Some sort of weird control thing or something. Dunno.

On to the next beautiful place/person/whatever I visit!

by Leaffin at March 31, 2005 1:25 PM


Pleased to be splaining how you afford this lifestyle.

by anna at March 31, 2005 7:14 PM


Did you go to a top tier 'liberal arts college' (a small ivy league as they are called)?

by Lockheed at March 31, 2005 8:11 PM


She's actually affording it by selling her body along the way. The Kiwi didn't get in touch with her because he couldn't afford her again. TURBOSLUT! :D

by snaggle at April 1, 2005 5:38 PM


Selling her body how? For sex, or as a drug mule? Because I don't approve of one very much, but the other is okay. Try to guess which is which!

by mg at April 1, 2005 6:29 PM


MG, can I change my screen name to Drug Mule?

by anna at April 1, 2005 7:43 PM


Snaggle, how dare you let that out about my turboslut past! ;)

Lockheed, only large public universities (in Iowa, Wisconsin and Germany) in my background.

Anna, I think that Drug Mule suits you just fine. In addition to selling my body, I saved money last year and have actually spent less than $4,000 on everything this year (flights, travel insurance, travel shots, spanish classes, food, hotels, drugs). My average hotel costs between $4-6/night.

by Leaffin at April 2, 2005 6:31 PM