It's all over now, baby blue

by anna at 06:17 PM on February 21, 2005

Al-K Duh has finally made good on its threats to top their prior triumph. Osama’s minions have assassinated President Bush and Dick Cheney. Condi Rice briefly asserts that she is in control but she has her throat slit for being a woman with a job. Swarms of swarthy snipers are fanning out across New York, shooting random infidels at traffic lights. The Capitol is in flames. Planes are falling from the sky like clay pigeons at a skeet shooting match, victims of readily available shoulder-mounted surface to air missiles. Wall Street and Hollywood and Vine lay in ruins after dirty bombs were detonated there. Anthrax, plague and other bio-toxins waft through the air. Similar conflagrations rage across Britain, Canada and Australia. The terrorists have won.

So now what? President bin Laden and Vice President “Doc” Zawahiri hastily call a news conference with Bush’s bloodied noggin on a pike by the podium. They seem oddly cordial as they announce the immediate implementation of the strict Wahhibi interpretation of sharia, or Islamic law.

There will be no more democracy. We will live and die by the laws of Allah. But of course some mortal must implement His will. That would be Osama, his sons and Doc Zawahiri. They’ll impose their will on us like a lifer does his bitches.

Things will change most drastically for the fairer sex. No longer will you work or go to school. Your sole purpose in life is to serve and satisfy men. If you know what's good for you, you won’t leave your homes unaccompanied by a male member of your family. You will be covered head to toe in drab burqas. Young hotties will be forcibly inducted into harems. They’ll be forced to have sex with bearded, smelly perverts dressed in robes and turbans. If you stray from this marital covenant, they’ll bury you up to your neck and then crazed Arabs will stone you to death. Their only solace being that one day they’ll be the old sow who’s relegated to household drudgery instead of sex. As of today, all your driver’s licenses are revoked. Butchery will ensure that you’ve enjoyed your last orgasm.

Ever Saturday we’ll gather at the local football stadium for a fun-filled afternoon of watching amputations of thieves’ limbs, stonings and beheadings. There will be no beer, wine or liquor served. Violators will be put to death. If you absolutely must be intoxicated, hash and opium will be provided. Books and magazines will be replaced by dreary religious tomes. Ditto for racy movies and TV shows. There will no music. There will be no kite-flying, sports or caged songbirds. Ditto for pork chops, bacon and country style ribs. As with communism, everyone but the ruling elite will live in abject poverty and despair.

Islam will be the only religion. They’ll try to convert Christians and atheists, but all Jews, Hindus and Sikhs must die. Shiite Muslims will be blown to bits in their mosques.

You know how, when something’s rank and vile, like anchovies on pizza or squid, they’ll say it’s an acquired taste? Well, it’s like that, only far worse.

What, isn’t this what you had in mind, mealy-mouthed Professor Churchill? How about you, knee-jerk anti-Western values "leading intellectual" Norm Choate? Whatsa matter, cat got your tongue? Or could it be that you lack the courage of true convictions, as demonstrated by your curious silence whenever your lunacy is extrapolated to its only logical conclusion? Could it?