You'd bleed just to know you're alive

by anna at 07:39 AM on January 05, 2005

The other day I was dining at Baja Fresh, which features real Mexican tacos and a variety of sauces to put on it for $2 apiece. They make all the ingredients from scratch. In walk two teenage gals, one of whom is looking quite apprehensive. The other reassures her that it’s just like Taco Bell. I’m like, no it isn’t. That’s why I’m here. And it got me to thinking about the way stuff is advertised. And that is never good.

For once, couldn't they just be honest?

The latest hit movie: Directed by noted shlock-merchant so-and-so, this clunker stars an ensemble case of nobodies. They were all desperate for a paycheck. Yet the New York Times raves, “Side-effects of this movie may include coma, anal leakage and an urge to commit suicide. Patrons are urged to consult with their doctors before viewing this.” Siskel woke up long enough to give it a resounding thumbs-down. Rent Gigli or Glitter instead.

Budweiser beer: This swill tastes like one of those Clydesdale horses pissed down your throat.

And on the next exciting episode of Desperate Housewives or Lost: Nothing much happens. But hey, we sure sucked y’all in with those action-packed debut episodes, didn’t we?

The NFL playoffs: Not much drama is expected. Due to the seeding system, home teams will always be favored and will likely win handily. Catch the highlights on ESPN.

Cars: (spoken slowly, not like an auctioneer on meth) Additional terms and restrictions apply. Actual cost will be much higher than MSRP. Not all buyers will qualify for preferred financing. In fact, only those who don’t need financing will.

Best Buy: Come on in for great values on all the complicated, useless electronic gizmos everyone else passed up. The inscrutable directions are in six languages, but not English, so they’ll wind up in a drawer with the portable TV that doesn’t pick up any stations and the portable CD player that skips. Great for regifting next year. Give one to your boss or somebody else you hate.

Great fun for the kids: Boring for you.

Taco Bell: This fart-inducing food is to authentic Mexican cuisine as the Monkees or Archies were to late 60s rock and roll, what Kris Kross and Vanilla Ice ever were to rap.

Hair Cuttery: You really do get what you pay for. If you don’t mind looking like a randomly selected Three Stooge, you can get a decent haircut for $13. Sure you can.

Lotto: Why not just throw your money down a rathole? Or else give it to someone living al fresco. After all, nobody you know ever wins these things. Do they?

The Army: Join the Army. Go die in Iraq. The Iraqis will be forever grateful. Or not.

Victoria’s Secret: Wear these undies and imagine yourself looking like the impossibly thin heroin addicts who appear in this ad. Dream on.

I could go on and on but I sense that I am boring y’all to tears. But try it for yourself, it’s easy. And fun. Really!