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No more laughing kids in my tree, I mean it must be high or low
by anna at 07:31 PM on January 10, 2005
Lately my son and I have been lollygagging about like Chinamen in an opium den, watching VH-1. We dig shows like the 40 Most Awesomely Bad #1 Hits and the 100 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs. We’re unfamiliar with the subject material, but that is irrelevant. We watch for the mockingly sardonic commentary from supposed pop culture experts, often described as an “actor-comedian” or a writer from some obscure webzine or a freakish member of Anthrax. My wife does not join us for these sojurns into mindless inanity. Her idea of pop culture is to crank the classical music she listens to in her SUV. She sees us sitting there transfixed and just shakes her head.
By the time they get to #1, it’s always a colossal letdown. The worst #1, for instance, was allegedly the harmless diversion called The Macarena. And then they start showing The Surreal Life reruns featuring someone known as Flava Flave sporting this weird Viking sort of hat; or else the 25 Most Awesomely Oversexed Celebrities. That is my cue to start cleaning the house. But I leave the TV on for background noise. As I vacuum and dust, commentators prattle on about this breakup or that cheating incident. I pay little attention; though on one occasion I went running to the set, only to have them cut to commercials. Bah! I will explain myself in due time, trust me.
Now I’ve made it clear how deeply I deplore celebrity worship. Julia Roberts’ twins aren’t the goddamn Babies of the Year as People recently proclaimed. Hollywood is like this zoo full of mollycoddled animals that prance, preen and do that fluttery wave thing resplendent in their wear-and-burn Vera Wang finery. If we diverted half the resources devoted to tracking mummers’ every move, we could set Southeast Asia right overnight. Just the resources devoted to Lindsey Lohan’s seemingly inflatable chest could spruce Sri Lanka right up. So no, I don’t care a whit about celebrities’ sexual shenanigans. That is, except for one: Ethan Hawke leaving his wife Uma Thurman, the ethereal 6 foot goddess of Pulp Fiction fame. My reason is entirely selfish. You see, when this all went down, I had a post centered about what manner of vixen might lure Mr. Hawke away from the still-svelte mother o’ his children. Her name is Jen Perzow, described in numerous print articles as a leggy 22 year old Canadian model. The post never materialized for lack of a link. It was one of those ones that just cried out for a visual. Onto the post scrapheap it went.
Even though everybody and their stepsister has a website featuring pictures of them in various stages of undress, a Google image search turned up nothing. Zero matches! I even scoured Canadian model sites. This chick is supposedly a model, and yet no pix?! How could that be in this imagery-dominated day and age? Who does she think she is, a latter day Greta Garbo? Periodically since then, I have rerun the search---more out of idle curiosity than anything else--- and never turned up squat. Then this lone image appeared as if by magic. Since it lacks context, there is no way to know if it really is the elusive Ms. Perzow or not.
But as far as I am concerned, my search is over, finito. This is her. And come to think of it, she does look kind of Garbo-esque. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
comments (28)
Well it was there on the German website with its megasuche. I copied the URL right off Google search: www.kino.de/mitwirk. php4?nr=19379&typ=filmsta... Where she went, I don't know.
by Anna at January 10, 2005 7:45 PM
If folk wanna see her they'll have to Google 'images' with zee model's surname, and then enlarge the image from the Google window... The pic ain't there if you enter the site proper, she 'is' elusive eh!
But, if it is her, then Ethan has poor taste me thinks. Uma has special qualities, like her... Length, is it height or length? She striks me as being awfully... Long, not tall. I've never liked her though, oh mind you I thought she was purty in Gataca but that was ages ago and I was but a sprog. She is quite simply the longest celebrity ever I've seen. But compared to the Canadian looking like a 19th Century French whore... Uma is a goddess.
Why is it that no matter what length you go to to avoid celebrity natter, you're always without fail, up to date on their lives? For instance... Jennif 'Hair' Aniston and Brad 'Sterile, eh!' Pitt... They were all over the news today... They even had their own screen on interactive! Of eight screens to choose from, weather, sport, latest... showbiz, top story etc... They were in: Top Story! I wonder about my world sometimes, I really do.
Ach, but I'd sleep with em all for the money I could make from selling my sordid tales to tabloids, yes, I would even sleep with: [Enter Z List Celebrity Of Your Choice]
Once you've filled that in you can quote me on it too. :)
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 10, 2005 8:31 PM
Hey man, it sounds like you've seen the little minx--or at least the image I saw briefly. Where's the link? See above right hand corner features that don't work. MG or Mr B, help.
by Anna at January 10, 2005 9:52 PM
This is the image that Google found. I'm pretty sure that is Uma Thurman, though. Consider this "Jen Perzow" is a model, there sure don't seem to be a lot of pictures of her out there.
by mg at January 10, 2005 10:24 PM
Hey Anna, you realize you once wrote about Jennifer Perzow before? That post comes up on the first page of search results for her name. Weird.
Another weird thing I just noticed, Bad Sam comes up as the second Google result for "imagine all the people living life in peace."
by mg at January 10, 2005 10:29 PM
MG, you're a Googlin' fool. I guess this post will have to be the sequel to one I did almost a year ago to the day. It just irks me that this girl appears nowhere on the net. There's 6,000 images of Carrot Top and none of her.
It's also weird the way VH-1 refuses to recognize that anything occured prior to the age of videos. That throaty Volkswagen ad-voice woman narrator always emphasizes the word "ever," but what she really means is since 1985.
by Anna at January 11, 2005 7:49 AM
I didn't realize it was almost a year to the day. That is super creepy.
by mg at January 11, 2005 8:06 AM
I can't think of one good reason to leave Uma Thurman. I really can't. Either she is an iron clad bitch or homeboy is a few cards short of a full deck.
by Ezy at January 11, 2005 10:53 AM
I think there are limits of forgiveness I can extend myself to. For example if my girlfriend/wife slept with somebody else, or was 'fooling around' with somebody else, and that somebody else was relatively normal and I could identify something in him that I know my girlfriend/wife has a weak spot for, I could after some deep thought and overly dramatic sulking, forgive her.
However, if my girlfriend/wife had been fooling around with any man who looked even slightly like, or spoke like, or had the mannerisms of QUENTIN TARANTINO, I would drop her in less than a second. All right, maybe it'd take a little longer than a second... I would have to take the time out to mock her for her choice in freaks to fool around with!
Ethan reckons that’s what was going on, and I believe him, since everything I’ve read on the subject since Anna brought it up, I haven’t read Uma making a counter argument against the accusations anywhere. You see, dammit, now I have formed an opinion on their frickin’ marriage, why! WHY!?
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 11, 2005 12:56 PM
Right into my devious little web ;-) Mwahahahahahaha!
by Ezy at January 11, 2005 1:16 PM
Uma Thurman? Not hot, just regular.
Audrey Hepburn... gonna touch myself now..
by LOCKHEEd at January 11, 2005 4:30 PM
Awesome how you and your kid watch TV together, Anna.
Somehow, when I visit home sweet home in Rhode Island, my father always catches me watching 'CatDog' on Nicklodeon. I think CATDOG is such an UnSung Hero of a Cartoon. 'Gee Cat?'... rolls eyes... 'Oof, dog!'
by LOCKHEED at January 11, 2005 4:33 PM
Cat Dog rules, but I didn't know it was still on. Maybe my son has moved past it. But not Hey Arnold, of which I swear there are only 3 episodes tops.
I have to agree with you ECGN. It's kind of insulting to even suspect some freak like Trantino had been running his hands all over your gal.
And speaking of creepy directors, I finally watched The Pianist. Powerful man. I'd resisted it for years because it was directed by Roman Polanski. A-hole's knockout wife gets murdered by the Manson clan so what does he do? Slips ludes to a 13 year old and bangs her at Jack Nicholson's house. Says us Americans just don't understand European lovin'. I guess not.
by Anna at January 11, 2005 6:08 PM
Audrey is a bit... Euw. Eh?
Given a time machine, maybe I'd agree. There should be some mental law regarding who you can and cannot jerk off over. Think of it, you could be happily whipping out Ego (Or whatever yours is called) at the sight of a gorgeous model on page eighteen of the latest Vic Secret booklet, and that model could have died a few weeks before, or could be twisted and wrecked after a horrible car accident, brain damaged, salivating onto her pillow as she’s fed by machines and being monitored by worried family members. And there you are jerking away with her in mind. Technically you could be jerking off over a corpse, an wretched old lady with a weak bladder, or woman who recently had a sex change and is now named Malcolm.
The law should state that before you go for it you should be in possession of all the facts, and then once you have them, your fantasy is wrecked. You'll be so limp you'll want some form of stimulation and then maybe you'll go and get it from a real live girl. But ah...
... The law should be extended to those you're gonna have sex with, and whoever you're about to have sex with should be, by law, bound to tell you all about her life thus far...
... Nah, I've taken it too far. That'll be this new coffee talking. My first piece of advice for today: Avoid German coffee. Second: Never jerk off to climax, just do it enough to get annoyed that you’re doing it, and then when you have sex it’ll be that much more satisfying. Third: Again I can’t stress this enough, this coffee is crap, don’t drink German coffee. It’s called Carté Noir, avoid.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 11, 2005 6:20 PM
But their beer is pretty good. Crim, you need to know that Lock has a whole thing about Hepburn. Myself I liked the other Hepburn better.
I went to Ground Zero over Thankgiving '01. Hanging forlornly over what used to be the stairwell of a destroyed subway station was a tattered poster for Training Day, which had the misfortune to be slated for release around 9/11. Nobody bothered to take it down. I'll never forget that.
by Anna at January 11, 2005 6:33 PM
U.S. Trade Balance Numbers at 830am est.... gonna be ugly...
A few years ago, I actually went by myself to see the Hey Arnold movie, it was so boring I left... the show is great, but 15 minutes is all I can bare...
Bank Of England has rate announcement Thursday... CRIMSON? What's gonna happen?
Pictures of lily... help me sleep at night...
Crimson, I have an Audrey Hepburn portrait tattooed on my left bicep... Think of that? Masturbating to an Image on Your Own Arm!
by LOCKHEED at January 12, 2005 2:40 AM
Lock: "Bank Of England has rate announcement Thursday... CRIMSON? What's gonna happen?"
They're gonna announce that the rates are in good shape, and that they're doing so well they're gonna send a sack load of cash my way. Hopefully.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 12, 2005 6:07 AM
Actually no, the price of my cigarettes is gonna rise again. Penny off of a fiver already... To smoke what I smoke it costs me £35 a week. You believe that? I usually go over, say £40 odd quid...
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 12, 2005 6:14 AM
What is that weird symbol? How do you make it on the keyboard? For that matter how do you make a cent symbol? Mysteries all .
by Anna at January 12, 2005 7:47 AM
¢ ... Closest I can get.
Hey Lock what’s my weekly cig spending costs in dollars? Like, $60? Is it?
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 12, 2005 12:39 PM
Anna, that wierd symbols is the British pound. The only way I know how to make it is not by keyboard, but by html £ using a special notation for "character references". Specifically, the sequence: ampersand pound integer semi-colon (use the described characters with no spaces), and in this case the integer for the pound sign is 163, whereas the dollar is 36, copyright is 169, etc.
I hate those VH1 empty criticism shows. I enjoy criticism, but there's something pathetic about wannabes criticising doers for doing "badly".
Uma's pretty on the outside, but for all we know she could be a complete ice queen, or very unavailable. Look at Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley. Busy beautiful couple. In all likelyhood Hugh probably simply wanted a quicky, but getting a quicky with your glamorous girlfriend may be a once in a year opportunity. Whereas the frequency of average male desire for a quicky is measured in, what, seconds? So it was probably easier for him to buy a BJ, than endure a major production of trying to have sex with a g/f of perhaps extreme desire but limited availability. Or so he thought. The point being that Uma can be very desireable, but desire is most often felt from afar...and the reason behind that contains the answer.
As for mental laws and jerking off, I'm reminded of concentration gradients and diffusion. It drives all life. Life depends on it. If it works for chemistry I don't see why it wouldn't work for percpetions of reality. You wouldn't want to reach equilibrium with the truth, because everything is beautiful and ugly. Even Uma gets morning breath. Doesn't mean she can't brush her teeth. The net result of equilibrium (seeing everything): desire? The usual answer is death.
by chris at January 12, 2005 4:24 PM
Damn Chris we're tracking. I almost put a remark about Uma having morning breath in the post. Either that or leaving her used tampons lying around in plain sight.
by Anna at January 12, 2005 6:30 PM
35 Quid/pound/sterling currently = 66.165. USD.... now it's 66.178 Usd...
Now its.... 66.262 USD.... holy shit, buy sterling!!!!
whateva.
by LOCKHEED at January 13, 2005 1:07 AM
The dollar symbol is on my number 4 key, and the pound symbol is on my number 3 key... If I change my board settings to USA I lose my @ key which is currently two buttonsleft of the enter key and it ends up on some number key somewhere, I think number 2? And just about everything else changes to some odd location. I'm left holding down the shift key and going through every button except the letter keys to find the symbol I need. I only changed it to see where you guys have stuff. Your keyboard layout must be weird.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 17, 2005 1:34 PM
Sometimes @ work I accidentally hit some combo-keystroke that produces the cent symbol but I can never recreate it intentionally.
by Anna at January 17, 2005 6:00 PM
http://www.sybillesasse.com/details_womens_adults.asp?ModelId=17
by mtlbabe at January 22, 2005 12:21 PM
If you want to find a picture of Jen Perzow, google Jennifer perzow or Jenny perzow, or go to playette.net or smokingwithmarley.com and find the pics and look for jen p. in the description! My, like the dialog goin' on here but your google strats SUCK
by Jackie at February 5, 2005 2:21 AM
hi ,anna i cant get the pics of jenniefer i have tried everything plz help
by sarah at May 28, 2007 9:18 AM