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I can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend
by anna at 07:53 PM on January 26, 2005
So little is constant or permanent in our lives. People marry, divorce and remarry. Kids declare their emancipation from domineering parents who insist they brush their teeth or bathe weekly. TV shows like this come and go unnoticed. I guess TV viewers just didn't find the online hijinks amusing. There's nothing more boring than viewing people staring at monitors and clacking away at keyboards. (See: The Net.)
Which is all the more reason to appreciate the few things that do endure. Take Wheel of Fortune. For what seems like forever Pat Sajak and Vanna Whie have sashayed out on the stage, exchanged pleasantries, waved to the crowd and then separated. She struts over to turn letters. She's the world's only pro letter-turner. He greets his guests and jumps right into another round of glorified Hangman. Is there an S? No sorry, no S...
Yes, he's a grown man sentenced to live out his dwindling days playing a silly child's game. Though you wouldn't know their days are numbered by looking at White and Sajak. Gotta think they've signed some secret pact with the devil.
I remember seeing pix of Vanna in her younger days. She posed for Playboy in that demure way naked girls pose there. Hustler it ain't. Maybe that's why it doesn't appear here. People use words like "tasteful" to describe the spreads. But I recall thinking that she looked flawed, unlike the usual models but just like Madonna when she posed. I wanted both of them to put their clothes back on and get back to letter-turning or vamping on MTV.
Then, of course, there is The Simpsons and with it the eternal debate about who's smarter, Bart or Lisa? Sure she's got the book smarts and the appreciation of fine culture but he's got the street smarts and appreciation of armpit farts. You can probably guess where I come down on this issue. Then there's Homer, who only gets away with his politically incorrect shtick cuz he's a cartoon. The whole family is frozen in time along with their neighbors and friends in Springfield. Somewhere on this site there's a post entitled There's No Body Like Homer Simpson, and I'd have to agree. Anyone else would have been dead after one grueling season of harrowing accidents, swigging Duff Beer and gorging on donuts. Mmmm, donuts. D'oh!
Another constant in my life is the Geese Police. See, my office complex features several man-made lakes and waterfalls. Flocks of Canadian geese have realized that it's a huge waste of time to fly back and forth to Canada every year. So they've taken up permanent residence there. They waddle into traffic and shit all over everything. The bloom is long off the rose as far as we're concerned. We want them back in Canada like we want Avril Lavigne back in Canada. So they hired these stern-looking ladies to chase the geese around and make their lives miserable so they will leave. They employ a variety of tactics, all to no avail. The geese remain and multiply, oblivious to the Geese Police.
Lastly there are zits. Now I am 45 years old. I shouldn't be grappling with the pop or don't pop dilemma anymore. I shouldn't be eying my 14 year old son's zit remedy, but I am. I shouldn't be cleaning the popped zit residue off my bathroom mirror, but I am. Such is life, I guess.
comments (18)
Aah, so much to look forward to. Great post Anna... You should have a column in my daily paper.
by Reassigned Crimson Guard NCO at January 26, 2005 8:22 PM
HOLY COW: THE GEESE POLICE!
You wrote about that way back when we thought you were a lady, and I was being kicked off because I said something ANtisemtic about Sarah Silverman or something.
I had drinks with her again last weekend too. She's getting a bit chubby now.
by Lockheed at January 27, 2005 4:42 AM
Ah, Canadian geese. Our little way of getting back at you Americans for everything. ;)
I went to the Toronto Zoo back in November, and the place is set up by continents. What that trip taught me is that Canadian geese live around the world. :)
by Jen at January 27, 2005 7:41 AM
I do have a column in your daily paper, it's right here. Glad you liked the post. And yeah I probably have posted about the geese before. Since then I've tried to engage the lady in light-hearted conversation about her failure to rid our complex of the scourge. But she's having none of it. This is SERIOUS BUSINESS. Jen, I suspected as much. That's why y'all unleashed Lavigne, mopey Alanis Morisette and those frigid Clippers on us. For everything! It reminds me of when St-stutering J-John cornered a celeb and asked her, "So, do you blame the Jews?" She's like, "For what?" "F-f-for everything," came the reply. Classic.
by Anna at January 27, 2005 8:47 AM
I may be the only person alive who actually witnessed the sole issue of Dot Comedy. And yes, it was indeed awful. Beyond awful. You pitied the actors.
by Anna at January 27, 2005 10:37 AM
Closed my Iraqi Election Death Toll futures for $45,000 profit(bought them in December 04)... that's going to take a big chunk off my credit card debt. Seriously, the price got as high as 223... That basically means idiots were pricing in 223 deaths this Sunday... It's ridiculous.. I was going to sell 223 short, but I decided to just get out...
Long road back, but I should be consumer debt free by the end of 2005(more or less)...
by LOCKHEED at January 27, 2005 11:09 AM
WTF are you talking about? People are gambling on the election day death toll?! Say it ain't so.
by Anna at January 27, 2005 11:49 AM
I'm going to avoid all news sources and silence anybody who approaches me to talk about what happened during the elections. I don't wanna know what the death toll was, or who blew what up, where.
I got a letter through this morning from a Parkfield Investigation Bureau telling me they have some: 'important papers' for me. I daren't call the number on it... Can't find any info on the company. Must be some old debt I'd chosen to forget about... I can't shake this fantasy though, that maybe a distant relative has died and willed me a horde of cash, an estate, and maybe a cat with a name like: Frank, or something. This is OT but y'know, after telling everybody else today I thought I'd share it.
Back to Iraqi elections: http://www.markfiore.com/animation/ballotman.html
by Promoted Crimson Guard SGT at January 27, 2005 2:04 PM
This isn't relevent, but the two bimbos and the mutants tickled me when it was. Just in case you don't go through the archives of the site, I don't want you to miss it. There's a good one about recovering Democrat voters too.
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/days.html
by Promoted Crimson Guard SGT at January 27, 2005 2:30 PM
The non-migrating Canada Geese are a problem in many cities. Calgary has chosen to deal with them by killing their unborn chicks. Just take some regular old cooking oil and coat the eggs. The developing chick inside suffocates and never hatches. Don't try taking away the eggs (unless you want to make Goose egg drop soup, or something), they will just lay more.
This way you can laugh at the silly geese trying to get their dead chicks to hatch outta their eggs... and watch the sedentary popultaion slowly dwindle to zero.
by chuckwoolery at January 27, 2005 3:28 PM
What's amazing is that a species of animal like the geese could just blow off a tradition that goes back so long. Fuck it, we're done migrating. You go migrate if you want.
by Anna at January 27, 2005 5:00 PM
When I lived in Alaska, the US Fish and Wildlife Service was passing out permits to hunt Canadian Geese like they were candy (the permits, not the geese). I guess one had collided with an airplane in 1995, and the solution was to allow virtually unrestricted killing of the birds and destruction of their eggs within 6 miles of the airport. Somehow that got extended and it just became okay to kill them anywhere in town, at the golf course, the University, shopping areas, etc. Would that happen anywhere else in the country? I remember teenagers were always getting in trouble for torturing the birds, and being quoted in the papers like "what, we thought it was legal."
by rebekah at January 27, 2005 6:06 PM
Okay, I think that story with the teenagers only happened once. But man, some of the kids up there were nasty. A couple of them went to jail ( and I hope they're still there) for shooting paintballs out the car at "drunk Indians."
by rebekah at January 27, 2005 6:10 PM
My biggest problem with the geese has to do with casual Friday, like today. I wear my tennis shoes, with their intricate treads. God forbid I should step in a pile of goose shit on my way into the office. Sure you can scrape it off, but there's no acceptable level of goose shit on your shoes.
by Anna at January 28, 2005 7:41 AM
ANNA, I have a picture of my daughter on www.tradinganddrugs.blogspot.com
She was in Basra, and just returned.
by LOCKHEED at January 28, 2005 11:23 AM
I mean this in a good way Lock: Your blog disturbs and baffles me. :D
by Promoted Crimson Guard CPT at January 28, 2005 12:14 PM
A daughter? With the Porcelain Doll, I take it? And who the hell goes to Basra?
by Anna at January 28, 2005 6:27 PM
OK guys, who has hired stern-looking ladies in which state? I happen to own the MD/VA branch of Geese Police and our results are always awesome, so fess up and DO TELL where these geese are that don't respond to us - I don't believe it until I see it, as we kick big goose butt everywhere but do it humanely.
Cathy Fiddler
www.geesepolicevamd.com
"Call Us to Get the Flock Out!"
by Cathy Fiddler at March 4, 2005 10:27 AM