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The Morning After Etiquette
by snaggle at 01:53 PM on December 31, 2004
It's happened to all of us. We wake up, unsure of what to say, how to act. Do I comment on last night? Do I make lewd comments? Do I assume I'm oblivious to everything?
I'm not, actually, talking about waking up after hooking up with someone. I'm talking about what to say to your friend's hookup.
It seems to happen a lot to me: I get stuck being the driver, and I end up carting home not only intoxicated friends but their intoxicated one-night-stands. Or maybe a future potential ex, but in any case, more than once I've gone out on the town with a friend and ended the night driving him home as he sits in the back seat playing tonsil hockey with some stranger. And since usually when the positions are reversed, I'm not getting it on in the back seat but rather going to go to bed alone, I tend to get a little bitter when such things happen.
I really shouldn't be bitter about such things; after all, I can at least tell myself I'm going for quality, not quantity (no matter how much of a flat-out lie that may be.) The worst part is really the morning after, when the two of them have that post-coital glow that makes you want to projectile vomit as a testament to your loneliness. My friends have a habit of doing the morning-after brunch, as we rehash the nights (s)exploits, nurse our hangovers with coffee, and wolf down greasy food it an attempt to quell the strange mutterings of our internal organs. When the hookup goes to the bathroom, there are inevitabely the questions: how was it? are you going to see him again? how big was he? do you remember his name? Or else possibly: um, sorry to tell you, but I think you were wearing beer goggles last night... or perhaps vodka goggles.
The most fun are perhaps when you had already made plans to crash at a friend's place instead of driving his ass home and then your ass home to finally crawl in bed at 3 or 4 am. This can lead to a most interesting situation; that night, I'm usually tired enough from the night out that I'll fall right asleep, no matter how uncomfortable the couch is. In the morning, however, there's always the risk of waking up to two voices in the shower, or, worse, the rhythmic creaking of mattress springs from the next room. In these cases I always say that it's perfectly acceptable to greet the guilty parties with a comment such as “Good morning boys! I'll guess by the creaky mattress that you two had a good time? Or times, to be more precise?”
However, the worst are those instances where by your friend's behavior the next day, the future between them is in serious question but you, however, silently curse your friend for getting to him first since you would be all over that shit. Now, it's out of the question: tainted goods.
New Year's Resolution #1: Get more ass. You can't hope to fill the boyfriend-shaped hole in your life without at least trying on a few for size (no pun intended.) And I'll make my friends drive more often. Let them be jealous. For once in my life.
comments (20)
I hear you. I had a roommate who used to offer his hookup's services to me the AM after. He's like, "Hey man you want a piece of this?" Ew. Sloppy seconds ain't my bag.
by anna at December 31, 2004 6:02 PM
Eeek! I certainly wouldn't do that.
by snaggle at December 31, 2004 6:51 PM
That is truly eekfilled.
I have a call to expand the Mark Lodge (Freemasons) in NYC. ANNA, of all the people I know in cyberspace, perhaps we could talk...
...or are you a fellow Freemason too? And I just never knew it?
by LOCKHEED at January 1, 2005 8:44 AM
No. I am not and will never be a member of anything. My experience with being in a homeowners' association cured me of any such inclination. Bah!
by anna at January 1, 2005 9:45 AM
I find the morning after with whomever you hooked up with to be more uncomfortable than say: Listening to a friend go at it all night - despite the Prodigy on max volume through headphones in bed - and then meeting that erstwhile partner in the morning. My over used line is: "Get much sleep last night?" I don't know how I'd react if my friends partner wound up being a man though. Probably: "Mornin', d'you see the game last weekend?" And to my friend when his partner has left I'd likely say: "I fucking knew it!"
One of my brothers has a habit of ending up with his friends' one night standers in LTR's. He sees it as an easier way to meet people, without actually doing all the ground work himself. He seems to program himself for charm mode and appears every bit better than the friend that pulled her in the first place. He sees no problem in picking scraps. I think he prefers it if they've showered first though. He's the one brother I don't trust around women I'm with, heh.
As for being attracted to the sexed out stranger the morning after... That is a bitch and then some. You're saying stuff like: "The DJ played that fucking 'Don't Stop' about ten times last night eh?" But you're thinking: "Zoink!"
So your resolution is to put yourself about more eh? One night stands ain't all that in my view. Me and mine have fall back 'standers' who are ever reliable when pulling power has been sapped by over drinking, or a lack of desire to go through the trials by fire. The uhm... Talking crap to women you've just met because you want to sleep with them. There's a village on the outskirts of my city which provides beautiful standers, and funnily enough, not one of our standers lives in the city. Lasses who enjoy sex... They say... Lasses hoping you'll come to your senses one day and have them in a LTR, is what they really are.
You need a 'stander' on stand by. Does wonder for the self esteem. :) I came home alone this morning, and I couldn't sleep because I had flashes of, I think, just about every face I looked at last night constantly repeating every time I closed my eyes, like a strobe light flickering behind my eyelids. I was frooked up. Heh!
My primary resolution is the same as it has been every since I was but sixteen: No planning ahead, just do.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 1, 2005 12:20 PM
That's some funny English shit. I've always thought that under the hifalutin accent and that demure demeanor that English birds are easy. Now I know. Did I say "birds?"
by Anna at January 1, 2005 12:58 PM
Take a weekend trip to Amsterdam, or to the Czech Republic... English birds, yes you did say birds, are easy but they're obviously not moved by the English accent quite like the Dutch, or Scandinivians. Or Poles for that matter! :) You'll find an awful lot of beautiful Poles in Amsterdam, though I haven't yet worked out why. Those I have 'met' didn't even smoke weed. If you do go to Amsterdam though, when they ask if you want mild to maniac weed... Expect mild to be 'maniac' by usual domestic standards. I whitey'd building the joint, the scent alone was turning me a lighter shade of pale... I think I died anyway. This is heaven, right?
Disclaimer: Should any English women read this comment let it be known that I do not by any means pigeonhole 'all' English women as easy. Some are harder than others, of course they are, and some are larger, smaller, and more able too. I cannot generalise to such an extent as to encompass you all in one lil word like easy. So, don’t go mental if you stumble onto this comment in two or three years after googling for... Whatever you might have googled for. :)
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 1, 2005 1:54 PM
I'm not following this. Who, specifically, isn't moved by the English accent? When I was a kid an English bird moved into our apt complex. Her name was Francesca, which sounds French. We'd all sit on a wall and watch her practice her facial expressions in a mirror: Surprised, happy, pensive etc. She was a knockout but easy, we all did her.
by Anna at January 1, 2005 5:42 PM
I can't tell if you're being serious or whether there is a movie reference or something that I'm missing with an English bird and a bunch of American boys ogling? I'm gonna go with: you were being serious.
Places the English accent is a no no, no go, never getting anywhere: Scotland, Ireland... Wales.
That is the correct order for no no's. The Scots... Ah the Scots... How they hate us. Heh.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 1, 2005 6:59 PM
Okay whatever. But read your comment above, who is it that doesn't dig that accent, other English chicks or Poles or what? I just know that English birds, even the dogs, could bag mucho American dudes with their accents alone. And tits. What do y'all call it, pneumatic like tires or something.
by Anna at January 1, 2005 11:34 PM
English gals don't take to it because it's the norm. Like with you and American women i imagine. But there is regional dialect, like on your side of the pond too so... Some English birds like Newcastle Geordies with the: "Why-aye mon!" (Yes man) Grunt, grunt, I'm very nearly a Scot up here in the North of England type accent. And others like the Liverpool Scousa: "Or-ey sord id out will ya!" (Oh hey, sort it out will you.) I'm very nearly Welsh over here in the west type accent.
The far south, Cornwall area, extremely weird people with a fucked up accent... I don't think men from Cornwall have much luck anywhere else in the country, in fact I don't think they have much luck beyond their own families.
The Birmingham 'Brummie' accent is slow and has a tint of question intonation... So they all sound as thick as two planks. Then there's the thick East London accent, which is all rhyming slang and curse words. When you encounter true Londoners you wouldn't be the first to think they have some problem with you and that they're gonna punch you any minute. They're not, but it seems like it. :)
The Midlands accent, Derbyshire area, is very hard to understand, and some parts of Yorkshire I'm not even sure the language qualifies as English.
Guys from my area have been State-side and have been mistaken for Australians... We don't have a readily identifiable regional accent... We speak the same English you’re talking about. But those who carry the true high and mighty Queen’s English, “Fnar fnar, first class what! Good show and all that...” They consider the way we speak, “Too fast.” Ready reply, “Nooo, you’re too slooow.” If we go to Liverpool, Birmingham, Nottingham, and even that little village on the outskirts of my city... The women tend to lend us more time than they do the local louts around them. :)
Czechs like the accent and I have no idea why, I think they have some kind of 'Love the English' lessons while growing up, I wasn't entirely sure it was my accent that was doing the job or just my nationality? Maybe its some inherent thing with wanting to break away from communism and the gene in new generations is still trying for a British passport? Heh, that’s the best I can come up with anyhoo. The Poles I've encountered repeated just about everything I said in a mock accent, I think they were trying to perfect their own English or something... But they were far more forthcoming than any females of others nationalities I’ve met, even my dear English roses. The Dutch I met... They liked mucho English speaky. You could talk them into orgasms, reow. :)
God that was long eh? I need to sleep, the whistling in my ears has stopped, and after emptying the last copious quantity of coffee from my bladder (Yeah it’s coming out as coffee) I’m about ready to die.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 2, 2005 12:55 AM
Ok I'll give it a whirl: A bit of a cold fish, that Francesca. Hardly writhed a tall, did she. Crimson's comments reminds me of the Beach Boys' California Girls.
by Anna at January 2, 2005 10:00 AM
I remember my first girlfriend - to whom I lost my virginity - was a sack of spuds when it came to sex. I thought it was great at the time but when she cheated on me, and after moping for a while, I went on a conquest of vengeance which meant I had no moral code to follow when it came to how many women I'd have meaningless sex with. I realised that she was utterly crap in bed. I'd wasted a hell of a lot of energy on her... And time... Not to mention money.
Now if the workload is completely one-sided I ensure rapid action on my part, and to the abyss with their satisfaction, they gotta put some work in for it.
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 2, 2005 6:50 PM
Snags: You'll find Mr Right soon. I have a feeling. But, you have to come up with a morning after jibe that doesn't incluse the word "precise." It just isn't all that jibey.
Is it just me, or do the people in the south of every country have weird inbred accents? England, Germany, the U.S. and uhm, others I'm sure.
by mg at January 3, 2005 11:53 PM
It's just you MG. We think that people in the Northern areas have that affliction.
I will say that, being from Virginia, I can barely stand the accents of anywhere more south than VA. When I lived in NC it was maddening to have a conversation with anyone. What should take five seconds or so to say took ten with all the drawling and slurring of words. Women from GA sound nice though. I think the only Northern accents, I have personally heard, that don't sound like nails on a chalkboard are probably Wisconsin or Minnesota. The women sounded very cute especially when they were cute to begin wth. Northeastern accents make me cringe. Everything is just so abrupt and loud. It just seems rude for some reason.
by Ezy at January 4, 2005 10:36 AM
I can dig the Northeastern ones if they're like yelling, "Oh come on give it to me all a youse." But not the Midwestern ones. Too many strained vowels and it all just seems so...dirty.
by Anna at January 5, 2005 8:11 PM
I've never heard Midwestern speech referred to as "dirty." I think I'm even more proud to be from the Midwest.
And ps, we're the ones with the open vowels.
by snaggle at January 5, 2005 11:43 PM
There was just a special on PBS - Do you speak American that covers the varieties of english. I haven't seen it (too busy watch Evangeline Lily and Jennifer Garner), but will try catching it one of the fifty other times it'll be on in the next week. I've heard about the show, however, and they get into the different varriations of English spoken throughout the country, and expecially all the weird vowels that come out of the Midwest. Also about how all this supposedly homogenization of American culture has somehow managed to lead an increase in the number of different regional and social variations in language.
PS: I get open vowels every time I eat too much cheese.
by mg at January 5, 2005 11:53 PM
Being a brit, I have found my accent more of a hindrance.
So many people hate the British, with good reason often.
One Hogmanay (Scottish new year) in a bar in Edinburgh. I locked eyes with a stunning girl. I played the eye contact game for a while, she played back. When I say stunning, the beer goggles went on about lunchtime that day so who knows....
Eventually, I went over. I can't remember my opening gambit, but I am sure that it was shere poetry not least aided by the copious amounts of alcoholic beverages that had been consumed. She looked deeply into my eyes, I gazed into her deep blue pools.....
"OH shit your English"
"Ummmmmmm......." Said I, unusually stuck for words. How could I deny it?
"FUCK OFF!"
And with that she disappeared out of my life forever.
by Major Brown Eye at January 16, 2005 7:16 AM
I did list the places the accent was a no no, and I did also place Scotland at the top of the bill. :) I'm surprised you found an attractive Scot though... Heh. Even if she was stunningly attractive, being the embodiment of some goddess... Her cold, hard Scottish accent would have grated me into the cold, hard Scottish earth.
She was Scottish right?
by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 16, 2005 9:39 AM