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anna

I'm here to give you my soul, you want some fashion show

by anna at 06:37 PM on December 13, 2004

One of my stepdaughters is warm and congenial to me. The other is a tad distant though friendly. I don't know why. Then again, I've never been a stepchild so why would I? My parents were one of those rare couple that stuck together till death did them part. Fun fact: Perhaps the most widely repeated falsehood is that 50% of marriages end in divorce. That misleading stat was derived by comparing the raw numbers of divorces with the raw number of marriages in a given year. That kind of analysis is full of holes.

I do, however, have experience with half-siblings. I first met my 1/2 brother when he was 17 and I was 6. He darkened our doorway with suitcase in hand. Just imagine my mom's surprise to learn of her hubby's prior family and his having neglected to formally end that union; thereby nullifying her own nuptials.

He wasted no time in setting up shop, alienating everyone but my sister in the process. Four years older than me, she worshiped the ground he walked on. You see, this was the 60s and he'd come from sunny California. He was thus the very embodiment of detached cool. Even when he evicted her from her bedroom and forced her to live in the attic she didn't complain. Years later when he got so wasted and forgot their blood relationship and tried to hit on her. Still her opinion didn't change.

He then resurfaced with his stunning bride and infant son in tow. Seems he'd had yet another run-in with the law. They took up residence in our country home. They had the run of the house, relegating the rest of the family to the former slaves' quarters in the musty basement. He left just as he came, with the sherriff hot on his tail. Hick cops don't take too kindly to pot farmers in their midst.

Cucumber cool Californians can have a profound effect on their awestruck East Coast counterparts. One moved in on my block when I was a teenager. Dave got an Chevy Nova. The first thing he did was remove the hands from the dashboard clock. He'd point at it and go, "See what time it is? It's no time. Be here now." When you're all of 16 and impressionable, such gibberish can seem so deep.

Before he got shoved overboard on a shrimping boat, Dave imparted some valuable advice to me. When I'd suggest we quit hanging around and go hit on chicks, he'd say that would be the worst thing we could do. He'd point out that girls want it too. Specifically they want to play hide the salami with guys who don't appear over-eager. Better yet, they prefer someone else's boyfriend. As he explained it, there's no worse turnoff than the stench of desperation. So we hung out. And waited. Nothing ever happened.

Those looky Californians sure know how to live in the now. So here's to Dave in his watery grave. And to Lenny, festering in his dingy Monterrey apartment. And tending to the stars' vacation cottages in Carmel. And doing his laundry in they spiffy washer/dryers. And helping himself to they fancy imported beer.

comments (10)

Californians aint so cool now... trust me, I am one. Kids these days are consumed by expectations and education (not that they weren't before - I wouldn't know)

by leeni at December 14, 2004 2:39 AM


I'm told that there's a great divide between the Bay Area and SoCal. Maybe you just live in the wrong part Leeni. And I meant kooky, not "looky." Though looky is kind a cool term, like leggy.

by anna at December 14, 2004 7:51 AM


"Dave got an Chevy Nova. The first thing he did was remove the hands from the dashboard clock. He'd point at it and go, "See what time it is? It's no time. Be here now."

That is a suburban classic! Holy shit. That is a gem. Great Post, but this line takes it to an extreme.

P.S. It's freezing and really uncool on the east coast above mason/dixon right now.

by LOCKHEED at December 14, 2004 6:17 PM


Yeah it is. Actually the post is a little inaccurate in that Dave used to use that line on girls and it worked like Viagra on Bob Dole. (Cue a horrified Libby Dole tearing through the kitchen with him in hot n' bothered pursuit.) And after I typed it I realize I overlooked the obvious title: Should I fly to Los Angeles, find my asshole brother?

by anna at December 14, 2004 7:16 PM


This Dave also led us into the wilderness of Monangahela Forest in WVA, one of most beautiful places on earth. We spent four days hopelessly lost and on acid, just trudging in whatever direction he'd choose that morning. I got into a fistfight with him over the map on day 5. Ever since I've known that, if nothing else, I have an innate sense of direction. He also got us snowed in living in a cave there known as Smoke Hole Cave. He just liked the name. As we learned, caves are warm and cozy and this one had a natural chimney and old Indian drawings on the walls. It was also home to hoardes of bats and rats. Ugh. Nothing like waking up covered in them.

by anna at December 14, 2004 8:39 PM


I can't put a Price on your Memoirs of Dave. You should start a 'series' on Dave.
In other news: Lockheed Called the Price Of Crude...
...Seriously, if you have discretionary money, no, use credit, I'm that plugged in right now... www.nymex.com

New Audio Call on Blog... Listen, the River told me!

by LOCKHEED at December 15, 2004 5:55 PM


He directed the movie we made in HS. I referenced how just about everyone involved in the project is dead in a prior post. I wrote the script. We used time lapse photography of a sunset to show the transition to nightfall. The student body was wowed. Our drunken English teacher only had this to say: "Well, that was great. But David, now tell me, was that a sunrise or a sunset?" "Neither," he says without further elaboration.

by anna at December 15, 2004 6:32 PM


Did your half-brother ever get drunk and hit on you? It would seem and outrageous question to ask, but the more I read about your life, the less anything you reveal would seem outrageous.

by mg at December 18, 2004 8:42 AM


No but I did go through the San Francisco earthquake at his place. He barely even noticed as dishes wen clattering to the floor.

by anna at December 18, 2004 11:27 AM


The #1 cause of divorce is marriage.

by Clonereject11138 at March 21, 2006 3:40 PM