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I hope that they're not laughing too loud when they hear me talking like this to you
by anna at 10:06 AM on December 05, 2004
It's that time of year when I begin wracking my brain for an appropriate Kwanaa gift for my wife. I don't need to worry much about the other gifts. Lest I storm the mall on 12/10, waving my credit card in a wild gifts-per-hour frenzy, she does most of the shopping. But obviously that one gift must be self-purchased.
Hanging on a decorative white accent hook from Bed Bath and Beyond is her bathrobe. She thinks my purchase of the hooks is one of the most effeminate things I've ever done. In her mind guys have no business in BB&B. Any more than they belong in Victoria's Secret. Yet every December we're drawn to Vicky's, where the sales people must meet these criteria: 1) Be female. Two words: Hooters Guys. 2) Be reasonably attractive in an upscale way. 3) Have a British accent. 4) Be unable to operate the cash register. 5) Be able to say, "Would you like a gift receipt with that?"
She also has several other overpriced Vicky's robes in her closet. They are a bit more risque than functional. These were products of fanciful Kwanzaas gone by. As are the black leather miniskirt and a garish red teddy that never sees the light of day. These kinds of present are particularly thoughless because they are really for the man. Eventually he learns to steer clear of such risky items. You can't buy bras because that would entail knowing her cup size. You can't buy dresses as the sizes vary so wildly. A sixe 4 could be anywhere from the size of a cocktail napkin to a circus tent. Women's attire "runs" a certain way according to brand, whatever that means. Hence the multiple bathrobes.
I always feel vaguely dirty in Vicky's, like I shouldn't be looking at all this frilly, sexy stuff on busty mannequins. But the English salesgirls do reassure me that I've made an excellent choice and that she will adore it. Would you like a gift receipt with that?
Of course I know what she really wants: a butt plug. Not for her silly, for me. If only she could find a way to prevent me from farting in the bed it would make her day. I tell her it is involuntary cuz I'm asleep. She maintains that you cannot fart in your sleep. So far as I know this isn't an issue for women cuz they don't fart awake or alseep or anywhere in between.
comments (11)
Guy clothes come in standard sizes. They have the neck diameter, sleeve length, waistline and what have you clearly listed. A recent study showed that a woman's size 4 can vary anywhere from a svelte 23 inches in diameter to a decidedly plus-size 31 and 1/2 inches. And they can't come in small medium or large because no guy would be so stupid as to buy his sweetie something in large. Even medium is iffy.
by anna at December 5, 2004 10:34 AM
Please post a pic of your wife. It's about time you did.
by Eviltom at December 5, 2004 1:02 PM
Once I did. But I can't find the post in the archives. Besides it's been altered as she took offense at being posted on the net without her permission. I was in my new camel hair coat, she in her chinchilla. She is tres hot in a younger, alive Natalie Wood kind of way.
by anna at December 5, 2004 4:11 PM
Dammit, the net is all about posting pictures of people without their permission. Cuh-mon!
by Eviltom at December 5, 2004 4:12 PM
I'm going to POST a picture of the Porcelain Doll on my website. It's about time, you all see what she is made of.
P.S. This is my doll, not my fiancee, but they both sorta look alike. So she is basically our daughter.
by LOCKHEED at December 5, 2004 6:07 PM
You'll recall I used to be in a burqa here. That was due to similar fears of mine that my face would wind up atop some buff nude body on some weird website. Oh wait, that doesn't sound so bad after all.
by anna at December 6, 2004 7:44 AM
HERE WE GO AGAIN, I AM GOING TO BE BANNED FROM BADSAM AGAIN: My Intentions are to Help.... really...
SNAGGLE, YOU HAD TO POKE EVIL AT LOCKHEED ON HIS BLOG. (Post with Porcelain doll/tattoo portrait 12/05/04) at the following url:
http://tradinganddrugs.blogspot.com/2004/12/my-portrait-and-picture-of-me-subtle.html#comments
Several things you should know, SNAGGLE:
1. ABC's(American Born Chinese), are ALL DORKS/GEEKS, trying to FIT IN with no avail, YAO MING is the only HIP Chinaman in all of human history.
2. What drove such a vicious attack on me, when you know it's something that I can't change: ie-it's a permanent tattoo.
-is it because you can't change something about 'yourself'?
3. Do I offend you? If I do, I think it has something to do with my occasional foray and crude language when it comes to the 'homosexual' issue? To be frank, I find it rather trite and so worn out.
4. Are you troubled with your gayness still, to this day?!
5. Surprise! As Straight and Heterosexual as Lockheed is, in college, I let a young man suck my dick, and I have no qualms about it.
6. You should be more Brave, son, or crumble, boy.
7. My name is Alexander C. Lai, I'm listening to George Michael's 'I Want Your Sex' as I type this.
8. I think it's time you stop HIDING. You'll feel a lot better.
9. One more thing, don't come down to New York City, until LOCKHEED says you can.
by LOCKHEED at December 6, 2004 10:54 AM
SORRY SNAGGLE. I didn't notice the 'smiley' face after your comment.
You can come to New York City now.
by LOCKHEEDSAYSPEACE at December 6, 2004 11:01 AM
For want of a smiley the kingdom was lost.
by Linz at December 6, 2004 4:36 PM
Funny you'd mention the smiley thing :). It took the old fuddy-duddy a long time to figure out all that chat room insignia y'all use. But I did, and the other day I got an email from an attorney about A Serious Legal Matter at work that ended with the smiley face. How cute is that, and from a lawyer named Erin to boot?
And Lock I read Snaggle's comment, seemed pretty innocuous.
by anna at December 6, 2004 6:30 PM
Lock's remark about getting sucked off by a guy raises an interesting question. With a hetero guy, physiologically speaking, would it... work? You've got all the critical elements of moisture, warmth, motion and enthusiasm. Oh, and does anyone have anything to say about the post content? Or are we back in hijacking mode?
by anna at December 6, 2004 7:22 PM