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by mg at 07:03 AM on November 16, 2004
I'm about to reveal something to you all that I've never revealed publicly to anyone: I stand up to wipe.
(Man, after my last post if I really do another one about poop people will start thinking I'm fixated on the scatological. Oh well, here goes…)
I used to think that standing up to wipe was the most normal thing to do. I mean, if I have to choose between sticking my hand dangerously close to a bowl full of my own steaming excrement or not sticking my hand in a bowl full of my own steaming excrement, I've always thought the choice was a simple one.
It seemed to make so much sense to me to stand up. But, as this is the sort of experience you don't share with others (except with you), I've never really been able to compare my water closet habits to other. They are just not the kind of thing you usually discuss in polite company. Which is why it was such a surprised, a year ago, when listening to the local talk radio station they had a conversation about all strange things people do in the bathroom. Shocking!
Through the course of that show the callers admitted all sorts of strange bathroom behavior. But no matter how outlandish any individual caller’s restroom routine seemed, the greatest revision was reserved for those guys who called in to admit they stand up to wipe. We precious few who stand up to wipe were even more derided than those guys who called in to admit to sitting down to pee, the freakish Nancy-boys.
I got to thinking, after that night, that maybe I wasn't so normal after all. But what had been a little inkling then, began to fade from my memory as if sheets from a roll of toilet paper. Over the past couple months, however, that belief hasn’t only returned to my consciousness, but become cemented there. In concrete.
You see, my new place of employment has those motion sensitive flushers on the urinals, sinks, and most importantly to this conversation, the toilets. I wholeheartedly approve of automatic flushers. Automatic flushers save you from walking into a stall only to find the previous occupant left deposited his last three meals (what usually looks to be a combination of Mexican, Indian and Polish) without flushing. They save you from having to actually touch anything in the bathroom (except the door knob, where more germs live any place on earth, besides a komodo dragon’s mouth or Colin Farrell’s knob. Those two things are unrelated (as far as I know)).
I’m just saying that automatic flushers are good things.
The problem is that as soon as I stand up - *flush*. The *whoosh* of the toilet might as well be telling me “I’ve flushed, which means you are done. You better get out of the bathroom now. Let the shame of you sitting in your own filth for the rest of the afternoon be a constant and stinky reminder of your abnormality.”
I’m sure as hell not going to listen to a talking toiler, so for the first couple weeks I was there, I put up with the damn thing flushing two to three times for every… interaction. Not only was I feeling embarrassed thinking anyone was listening to me in there, and thinking I was dropping something so foul I needed to give it three mercy flushes, but I was feeling guilty. Those things usually get installed to help save water, and here I was using three times my share.
So I altered my behavior. I now sit down to wipe, like all goodly people were meant to do. I’ll see a woman in the White House before you can convince me to wash my hands though.
comments (17)
Let me just say that utter silence in the bathroom should be the rule. No small talk, no shop talk, no man-is-the-new-temp-hot chatter, nothing. I heard 2 guys bantering back and forth about football or something while they were squeezing out turds in adjacent stalls. Yuk.
by anna at November 16, 2004 7:51 AM
At the urinals-- eyes front, no talking whatsoever, and don't even think about unzipping until you're standing right in front of the porcelain. If you're like six feet away from the urinal when your hands start their busywork down there, you've made an enemy.
by Adam L. at November 16, 2004 9:34 AM
What are you guys? Catholic? I suggest a reading of the book "Everyone Poops" by Taro Gomi and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum.
by MrBlank at November 16, 2004 1:04 PM
catholic? no.
decent? sometimes.
there are rules in public bathroom,s blank. hard and fast rules not to be deviated from.
and i for one will never catch this sit-down-to-wipe fever. its just not natural. but in a related story i had a good friend who, during the course of a reasonably similar conversation in college, realized that his habit of wiping BACK to FRONT, might not only be an abnormality, but it just might be unhealthy. needless to say, he's reformed. however, whe asked about how he changed such an engrained habit, he pulled out a pen and wrote on his non-wiping hand the symbols "F->B" to remind himself until he learned his lesson.
true story.
by lajoie at November 16, 2004 5:02 PM
Look the rules are the rules. There are 5 urinals lined up where I work. One day none were occupied except the one I was using. This dude saunters up and starts peeing right next to me ! Where's this guy been all his life?
by anna at November 16, 2004 6:55 PM
perhaps living under the assumed name of "mr. blank"
maybe he just wanted to hold hands.
by lajoie at November 17, 2004 3:34 AM
The fact that we look at the toilet paper to gauge further wiping strikes me as brutality.
by LOCKHEED at November 17, 2004 3:47 AM
Sometimes Lock just drives the nail right through the board. This is one of those times. That's universal man.l
by anna at November 17, 2004 7:57 AM
I don't wipe at all man. It's just a waste of time, no? You just end up having to wipe again later.
by Eviltom at November 17, 2004 5:01 PM
Wasn't that a Seinfeld episode? How with all that modern technology has brought us, we still wipe our butts with dead tree particles.
by mg at November 17, 2004 6:54 PM
If you were Bill Gates rich would you still bother to wipe your own ass or pay somebody to tend to it?
by anna at November 18, 2004 2:42 AM
How is wiping back to front unhealthy? (if you're a guy, I mean.)
by MrBlank at November 18, 2004 4:14 PM
Dirty taint.
by anna at November 18, 2004 8:00 PM
if it's a relatively clean bowel movement, I just jump in the shower and spread 'em.
by LOCKHEED at November 19, 2004 3:28 AM
Wait wait.... you don't wash your hands after you poop? Pardon me if I don't shake your hand next time I see ya, mg.
by snaggle at November 19, 2004 6:36 PM
Dirty taint, dirty ass crack. What's the diff?
by MrBlank at November 22, 2004 5:17 PM
I never even questioned my wiping mechanism until a couple of days ago. My sister walked in on her husband wiping his butt - standing up! I did a small survey of the wiping habits of some of my friends. Out of 8 people: 3 wipe standing up (all men) and 5 wipe sitting down (4 women, 1 man). Do you think it is gender biased?
by Juicey at December 14, 2004 6:01 PM