« Memorizing politics of ancient history | Main | This Is Why I Don't Do Reviews »

northstar

Just another day in (not exactly) Paradise

by northstar at 06:29 PM on November 21, 2004

There was a time when I wrote a good deal about our numerous unpleasant dealings with our next-door neighbor and his wife, who are both seriously unbalanced, self-righteous, "Christian" senior citizens. Over the past 12-18 months, we've existed under an unspoken but mutually recongnized truce. Basically, we ignore them and go on about our business. It's not a great solution, but it is effective. I hate that things are the way they are, but given that they are recognized around the neighborhood as judgemental, unfriendly, and just generally unpleasant, it seems the path of least resistance.

The truce may have come to an end yesterday afternoon. To begin at the beginning, Asshole Neighbor and his wife stole our cat. Actually, they've stolen two, but the first has since passed away, and we've forgiven- if not forgotten. Stealing Sakowitz, though, is a bit more than we should have to put up with from a neighbor.

Sakowitz was a gift to Adam and Eric from their Grandfather after their Grandmother died. She's a royal crank (OK, she's a Grade A b***h), but she was important to us, and she was a member of the family. About a year ago, Asshole Neighbor and Mrs. Asshole decided that Sakowitz was starving and it was their job to "save" her. Every now and then, I'd look out our kitchen window, and there Sakowitz would be, relaxing in the neighbor's bedroom window. Yeah, it rankled me, but Sakowitz seemed to enjoy her new surroundings, and when we brought her into our house, she clearly wanted nothing to do with us. Apparently, whatever they were feeding her next door was far superior. Given how much weight Sakowitz put on, it was also much more readily available.

Eventually, we accepted the reality of the situation, because neither Susan nor I had the energy to provoke a confrontation with either Asshole Neighbor or his wife. Being the good, God-fearing Christians that they are, they obviously think they are doing the Lord's work by taking in an "abandoned" and "starving" cat. Yeah, right...whatever....

Yesterday afternoon, Mrs. Asshole Neighbor knocked on our front door and asked Susan if we would watch "their cat" while they're away for Thanksgiving. This was more than my adoringly long-suffering wife could take. She went off on Mrs. Asshole Neighbor (in her own polite and gentle way), at which point the poor, misguided woman broke down in tears. How DARE we accuse her of stealing anything? Well, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck, and STEALS like a duck....

After a couple minutes of listening to Susan go 'round with Mrs. Asshole Neighbor, it was clear that this loon has NO concept that they have been anything but PERFECT and solicitous neighbors. Of course, these are the same neighbors who put up the world's ugliest trellis to keep Susan from "gawking" at them when they were in their backyard enjoying their pool ("The Worst Toilet in Scotland", for those of you who've seen Trainspotting).

I have this sinking feeling that things are about to go from bad to worse. Neither Asshole Neighor nor his reality-impaired wife are socially well-adjusted, pleasant people...but, hey, they're Christians, right?

It would be easy to feel anger and bitterness toward the trolls next door, but what's the point? They're miserable human beings, and nothing that we do or say will convince them of that. Beside, anger will in the end only harm the one feeling the anger. Neither Asshole Neighbor nor his wife are worth the emotional energy it would take to maintain any degree of anger. More than anything, I feel pity. They are two old, lonely, judgemental people who honestly cannot see how truly pitiable they are.

Perhaps it's time to put up that 8' fence we've been thinking about. At least we won't have to look at the toilet they call a swimming pool.

comments (6)

Do they have a dog? Throw a razor blade-laden steak in their yard.

by anna at November 22, 2004 7:43 AM


You could have a "cold war" with the next door neighbors. Start feeding the cat milk every time it is home, then up the ante with some filet mignon, and just keep it up until your food stuffs are of a quality that can't be had next door. You beat the neighbors and no one is the wiser. Or you could just write off the cat, get yourself a dog who will be more loyal, and make some Molotov cocktails to lob at the neighbor's house. That would probably be more fun and less expensive.

by Ezy at November 22, 2004 1:25 PM


I KNOW... put a Yamukah on the Cat's head!

by LOCKHEED at November 22, 2004 2:09 PM


Oy, Anna's idea is the most vile I've heard in a while. Making the dog cut it's mouth all up would simply traumatize the dog and punish it for having the wrong owners. And I'm sure it would cause the neighbors to become even more unfriendly (i.e. load up the shotgun honey) and scowl at everyone they see.
Rather, I'd say continue to have pity on them if it brings your expectations of them into a more functional realm. Perhaps consider writing a series of anonymous letters to them describing how the neighborhood sees them and what they could do to better fit in. Most people strive at some level not to be thought of as self-righteous assholes. Could be tricky, and presents quite a riddle of what information to put into the system to get it to change. But if the woman started crying when confronted about a cat, chances are they do care at some level about how they are perceived, and about their actions as neighbors. At any rate, I'd try some form of communication (anonymous or otherwise) before resorting to cutting up their dog.

by chris at November 22, 2004 3:27 PM


Have you got something against Christians, or what?

Also, did you ever go and ask for the cat back? How long did you leave it with the neighbors? After a while of it living there and eating there, I'd assume custody. As far as they know you did abandon the cat. Dude, you sound like the asshole. Just go talk to your fucking neighbors before you assume anything.

Anna: That's razor blade comment is terrible! Just set out a bowl of antifreeze.

by MrBlank at November 22, 2004 5:28 PM


Didn't care for that? Well it wasn't my idea. One of our claimants had guard dogs prawling his property. An overzealous PI did just that. When we showed the film to the judge (of him painting his house up on 26 foot extension ladders) he put 2 and 2 together and realized what happened to his beloved dogs. Not good for us.

by anna at November 22, 2004 6:58 PM