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I've soared with eagles and slithered with the snakes
by anna at 06:54 PM on November 03, 2004
What do you call nine lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
Before Kerry's concession speech, I read how Democrats had "massed thousands of lawyers" in Ohio. Try as I might I can't fathom anything more heinous than a place crawling with lawyers. Picture them in their fancy tailored suits, clutching oversized briefcases and acrid vending machine coffee in Styofoam cups. Hear them belabor mundane points endlessly. Smell their pricey cologne.
Lawyers are a special breed. They appear like fruit flies on overripe bananas whenever there's a hint of unpleasantness: accidents, divorces, disasters, crimes, lawsuits and disputed elections. These all have one common denominator: the presence of lawyers and the awful things they say.
One in 250 Americans is a lawyer. Jewish moms think it's the next best thing to their sons growing up to be doctors. Almost all our leaders are attorneys. Yet commonfolk shudder at the very though of any involvement with them. They sense that no good could possibly come of it. They've heard the horror stories. This guy got railroaded by vindictive lawyers. A man wound up homeless due to a divorce settlement. Another guilty criminal walked because of wily lawyers. A claimant was awarded some obscene sum. A guy jerks off while talking dirty to a coworker on the phone. She doesn't hang up. Yet he gets shaken down for millions by lawyers. Lawyers defend NAMBLA's right to promote buggery of toddlers.
I hark back to the 2000 election debacle. Republican lawyers scoured yellowed lawbooks dating to the 1800's in search of laws that would support their position that the recounts should cease. When they found them Democratic lawyers protested that they were relying on technicalities. As if that isn't what they always do. And last I checked the law is the law unless you're O.J. or Enron chief Kenneth Lay.
You may have an attorney and not even know it. They're forever filing petty lawsuits on behalf of thousands of consumers who may have had a fleeting brush with some supposedly harmful product or practice. You receive this incomprehensible letter in 8 font print. If you ignore it, you're in. Years later you'll receive worthless coupons or promises of rebates on things you don't own. Meanwhile the lawyers responsible divvy up millions of dollars in fees, that are the ony real object of this constant frivolity. Ha!
In my job I spend an inordinate amount of time with attorneys. There's a slew that represent my company. There's an even bigger swarm specializing in representing aggrieved parties. Some are fresh out of law school. They're idealistic. They're committed to their sleazy clients and thus should be committed to mental wards. They'd never sell them down the river for a fat fee. We don't like these lawyers one bit. Neither do the jaded old pros we usually deal with. We chuckle about them amongst ourselves. We're actually good friends after all these years. We send each other humorous emails.
Eventually the peach fuzz-faced young'uns come around to our expedient way of thinking and start selling people down the river with the best of them. They join our good ol' boys network. It's sad, but we all make troubling ethical compromises in our struggles for the legal tender.
For instance, I was once asked to write and direct a promotional video for our claim department. It featured a shady lawfirm called Sheyster and Sheyster. The tape was a huge success until someone pointed out that to Jews, this term is considered some kind of slur. We shelved it. Who knew?
A start, that's what you call it. What do you call thousands of lawyers trying to board a plane in Dayton, Ohio?
comments (13)
Despite the feel-good image they try to portray in the advertising ("You're in good hands with Allstate") I haven't heard too many people speak fondly of the insurance industry.
As for having an attorney and not even knowing it, over the past year, I recall being a party to about 4-5 class-action suits. I tend to ignore them, since the hassle is not worth the annoyance of filing to participate in the case. I remember a class action suit against Columbia House. My payment for their years of over pricing shipping and handling was to have to buy another CD from them (though at a "whopping" discount of 30% off). I''ll pass on that.
by mg at November 3, 2004 8:28 PM
You'd be amazed at what lengths this industry goes to portray itself as helpful in times of need. And as for Allstate, they are the absolute worst when it comes to paying claims on time when it is owed. Do not buy insrance from them ever.
by anna at November 3, 2004 9:34 PM
Yeah, I was getting about one mailing a month back in 2002 about some random stock that I bought, a different one everytime, all class action suits. I got one for Enron; but I bought it after the news just for fun so I could get a piece of history. Leveraging 1 million Euros makes my stomach a bit ancy at this time of night. So I choose to blog instead.
by LOCKHEED at November 4, 2004 2:54 AM
Ah, sometimes those ethnic slurs float around and people forget what they are in the first place. That's too bad. Maybe you could dub out the legal firm name and replace it with good ol' "Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe."
So... what's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger, and the other's just a fish.
Blog on, Lockheed!
by jean at November 4, 2004 4:16 AM
MG, usually it's like those deals where you have to "unsubscribe" or else you are a part of it whether you want to or not. Lock, I'd buy a share of Enron if it were available. And Jean, that is a great idea. I will resurrect my promotional masterpiece. Note: If you change my company's motto by one letter, it becomes... to cheat committed customers...
by anna at November 4, 2004 7:57 AM
What is your company's motto: "To heat committed customers"? "To chea committed customers"? "To cheat ommitted customers"?
by mg at November 4, 2004 9:01 AM
Ah, another (old) lawyer joke. I think I've heard them all now, or at least the majority.
Of course you Americans don't want to acknowledge that it's your litigious society that creates the opportunity for the lawyers. They are the effect, not the cause.
Case in point, after the big flu vaccine shortage in the States became known, Americans started flocking to Canada to get the shot here (we use a different vaccine provider). Soon the stories starting making the news about how smart doctors were making there new american patients sign documents promising only to sue in Canada under Canadian laws if they sue at all. Smart.
Now all those litigious granny's that got a headache or a rash after the vaccine have to sue here where the judge would tell them to suck it up and go away, as opposed to down there where they would likely get a good settlement to go away.
On a different note "to chat committed customers"?
by chuck woolery at November 4, 2004 9:43 AM
Well it's really long but the end of reads, "to create committed customers." They have signs all over my office and sometimes I use a magic marker to chance the r to an h.
Hey Chuck, good to see you. Stop by my site PuddleofMuddle.typepad.com.
by anna at November 4, 2004 6:17 PM
My math is a little rusty but changing "create committed customers" to "cheat committed customers" is actually changing two letters, not one.
by mg at November 4, 2004 10:42 PM
Chuck, I do agree that it's America's litigious society which creates our demand for lawyers. I suspect it's both for better and for worse. Anyways, many, many of my college friends are now lawyers... I know that a lot of good can be, and is daily, done in the profession. :)
by jean at November 5, 2004 4:20 AM
In the interest of fairness, here's a joke about Sociology majors. That's what I have my degree in...
What does the Sociology major say when they graduate?
"Would you like fries with that, ma'am?"
Since I've graduated I haven't quite said "Would you like fries with that?" but I have worked retail and at a movie theater. Heh!
by jean at November 5, 2004 4:23 AM
I've heard that joke only about psych majors. As for good attorneys, look at Johnny Cochran. He parlayed "if it doesn't fit you must acquit" into a national firm with offices here in Washington DC. It makes me sick that he is alive. (No offense Chuck, you're on the good guy side with me.)
by anna at November 5, 2004 7:55 AM
I stopped by puddleofmuddle, and Lockheed's site too. Been pretty busy here, so haven't done too much commenting. We had a murder here a couple weeks ago, and I picked up a fairly high profile sexual assault case (local hockey promoter who assaulted 5 teenage males), so my attentio has been elsewhere.
one of these days I may have to actually compose a post of my own...
by chuckwoolery at November 5, 2004 4:54 PM