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Crazy people walking round with death in their eyes
by anna at 07:20 PM on November 16, 2004
My parrot died. I wanted another bird but didn't want to shell out $1,000 for a new parrot or macaw. So I went with the next best thing, a parrotlet. It's smaller than a parakeet but other than that it's just like the real deal.
This happened 16 days ago. I know this because the pet store guarantee is 14 days. I walked in there with this tiny carcass in a Ziploc bag. A 19 year old slacker named Chrissy Trainee informs me that since the guarantee has expired, a refund of my $200 is out of the question. I can get another bird. Okay-fine. But not before Pet Detective subjects to a rigorous interrogation.
PD: Is this frozen?
Me: Yeah, we put him in the freezer. I mean, er, after he died.
PD: That's good. Did you have him near a window?
Me: Well, the room has windows but they haven't been open.
PD: What about heating ducts?
Me: There's heat in the room, yes.
PD: Parrotlets are real susceptible to drafts and heat.
Me: Oh.
PD: What kind of pots and pans do you use?
Me: The regular kind, like metal.
PD: Teflon?
Ian: The bird was in my room, not in the kitchen.
PD: It doesn't matter. Parrotlets are very sensitive. They can't tolerate Teflon.
Me: So you mean we have to let food stick to the pans?
PD. Yes. Have you done any cleaning with chemicals?
Ian: He steam-cleaned my room last weekend. (Damn kids are always volunteering information. D'oh!)
PD: You steam-cleaned in the bird's room? Those things leave toxic residue!
Me: It's not the bird's room, it's my son's. And the carpet was filthy.
PD: You can't do that. His neck isn't broken.
Me: That's good.
PD: You need a hardier bird.
So she coaxes a hardy cockatiel out of its cage. It promptly flies straight into a glass door, bounces off and scurries under a cage. She chases it with a net. When she finally captures it, the damn varmint bites her hard enough to draw blood. "Do you want to hold him," she asks. Like a fool I agree. It bites me too. It has a beak big and sharp enough to Lorena Bobbitt Ron Jeremy. With that in mind I'm like, "I don't think I want one of those." She takes me to this back room where the other parrotlet has been exiled after his brazen cage-break. "I'll take it," I say. This was last night.
This AM my wife calls me at work. "Dear, where is your bird?" "Last I checked, he was in his cage." "Well, he isn't anymore." It's a very big house with two cats on the prowl. The bird is a goner and not due to drafty windows, heating ducts, Teflon, tainted tap water or steam cleaner residue. I will not pass Go. I won't collect $200. Cat attacks aren't covered under the warranty.
To me this whole affair serves as a metaphor for modern life. Night and day we're inundated with warnings about the hazards of this or the harmful effects of that. Remember Radon? Global cooling? Nuclear winter? WMD? Meanwhile there are some very real threats in our midst. But we can't do anything about them. We're all going to die, just like my parrotlet.
comments (11)
I'm sorry about your mishap, Anna. Perhaps the bird will be born again as a free spirited sparrow, or part of a perennial flower bed in a well tended garden.. I feel consoled by your last statement. Yes, there are threats, like credit card debt, that will always get you, no matter how much you're warned... so what can you do? Pay the minimum, until you die like the bird... unfortunately, I will be the last to die... it's been over 2000 linear years and I'm still alive... it's sickening really.
by LOCKHEED at November 17, 2004 3:44 AM
When the anthrax was afting around and the war in Afghanistan was afoot and the stench of 9/11 still hung heavy in the air, I made that same statement at work. Somewhat in jest. Or what passed for jest during those uncertain times. A coworker with both her kids in active military service was less than amused. That has stuck with me like a scar.
by anna at November 17, 2004 7:54 AM
Wafting, not afting.
by anna at November 17, 2004 7:55 AM
I'm sorry your parrot died. And your parrotlet. Both of them. Maybe that'll teach you that a bird isn't a pet.
by mg at November 17, 2004 6:55 PM
We found the parrotlet. He is fine. He is learning tricks. He's so much more friendly than the first one.
by anna at November 17, 2004 10:08 PM
I have never counted birds viable as pets. This old lady I used to mow grass for, when I was about thirteen, to help her out, had a parrot. That thing was the noisest most obnoxious creature I have ever encountered. Except for that fucking Alpaca that spit on me in Bolivia, but that's another story. After mowing her lawn and frnding off her offers to pay me we used to sit and talk. We'd be in the middle of a conversation then the damned thing would squak loud enough to be painful. Of course, she couldn't hear that well so it probably sounded like something in the distance, to her, but to my young ears it was deafening. I'd find myself looking for patterns in the squaking so I could be ready for it but the bird was random. I hated that thing with my entire soul. I'd be a nervous wreck every time I left her house. If it hadn't been her only source of interaction, besides me and an occasional visit from her son, I would've off'd that bird. I despise birds. No offense Anna but I can't help it.
by Ezy at November 18, 2004 11:35 AM
My full-sized parrot kind of fell into my lap and he was the same way: ornery, loud and he bit off ny iguana's leg. But the miniature parrot (4" long) is the exact opposite. He's affectionate and barely makes a sound. I love him.
by anna at November 18, 2004 7:59 PM
Well, you can't argue that. An affectionate AND quiet bird. Who woulda thunk it?
by Ezy at November 19, 2004 11:00 AM
i prefer birds breaded and fried, with mashed potatoes and stuffing on the side. happy thanksgiving!!!
by JC at November 19, 2004 7:31 PM
Lockheed's website now sponsored! It's hilarious what advertisements they put up on my blog. They are so incongruous.
by LOCKHEED at December 6, 2004 8:45 PM
Sponsored! I am still mulling whether to fork over the $8.95 per month now that my free trial has expired. Response has been decidely underwhelming.
by anna at December 7, 2004 6:08 PM