and even if my house falls down, i wouldn't have a clue

by mg at 06:57 AM on November 10, 2004

With a full week now to shake off our collective post-election hangover, I think it’d only be fair to hand out some Vote 2004 accolades to the winners, and losers, of this most "important in our lifetime" election cycle.

The Caught in the Crossfire Award goes to Jon Stewart, for proving he was oh-so right about corporate news’ inability to get the facts straight. Either all the Daily Show’s scary influence on the minds of 18 to 24 year-olds vanished sometime right before November 2nd, or maybe that influence was just the kind of media hype that Stuart normally rails against.

The Four Years Too Early award goes to Al Gore, who proved it is better to have someone to stand up for, even if they are terminally boring, than having someone to stand up against. Back in 2000, the hard-core lefties didn’t have nearly as many reasons to hate Bush as they do now. Yet, Gore was still able to win the popular vote, while losing that pesky Electoral College, because he had more of a voice than John Kerry. Gore has been widely ignored by the Democratic Party since mid-December 2000, but this award has got to have him feeling as good as the day he invented the Internets.

I never thought I’d be giving Michael Moore credit for anything except finishing the last Ho-Ho, but even I’ve got to give him grudging credit this election cycle. Moore is receiving the prestigious You Get What You Pay for Award for proving that old adage true. Moore temporarily waived copyrights on Fahrenheit 9/11 to encourage as many people to view the movie as possible. But, if the election results prove anything, even free wasn’t cheap enough to convince people to buy into his “docutainment” propaganda.

The Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice Won’t Get Fooled Again Award goes to the far-left conspiracy theorists who had us all waiting on pins and needles waiting for an October Surprise that never came. That had us all waiting for a terrorist attack that’d allow Bush to put off the election and declare martial law. Now they’ve got us waiting for the men in white coats to take ‘em away.

The One Way or Another Award Goes to Sean “Puffy” Combs. The P-Diddy is a musician, producer, fashion designer, and marathon runner, but he is really going to be busy over the next couple years if he wants to follow up on the promise of his “Vote or Die.” As the widely hyped “youth vote movement” could only be timed in geological epochs, you’d expect that promise would be a hard one to keep, even for such a “gangsta” like Puff Daddy. (Un)luckily Combs will be aided in fulfilling the second half of his campaign, as so few young Americans voted many more young Americans will be dieing in Iraq.

The Snowball’s Chance in Hell Award is a four way tie between Rudy Giuliani, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John McCain, and George Pataki. Chances are slim that any of these social liberal Republicans could convince the genius that is Karl Rove or the hard-core Christian right of putting them on a ticket in 2008. In the Democratic division of this category is anyone not named Hillary Clinton.

The Third Times’ the Charm Award goes to Marion Barry, who managed to convince the good people of Washington D.C. to elect him to another public office, also proving that you don’t have to be a red-state republican to be completely ignorant of political news.

Speaking of crack heads, Rush Limbaugh showed us this past year that just because you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to feed your drug habit, doesn’t mean you can’t also can’t hate “Feminazis,” love Jesus, and want tax cuts. For this, he is now the proud recipient of the This is Your Brain On… Award. Second place in this category goes to George W.

Who else can’t wait ‘till 2008?