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ezy

Well this might take a while to figure out

by ezy at 11:44 AM on October 18, 2004

Well, here I am, four months of marriage and one and a half years into my relationship with Amy. There have been numerous bumps in the road, heated arguments over things that shouldn’t really matter, and more love than either of us have ever known given and withheld from one another. All things considered, with both of our considerable baggage, I don’t think we’ve done that badly. There are a thousand things I have said, in anger, that I wish I could take back but there have also been millions of compliments and professions of love that I have said and will continue to say until the day I die that I’m very proud of. You see, Amy and I are classic runners. In past relationships, as soon as things got a little rocky, we’d cut ties and get the hell out of dodge. The fact that we’re both willing to stay, when running would be much easier in the short term, speaks volumes, in my opinion. There is still baggage, from our pasts, to work through but seeing this wonderful woman trying so hard and putting herself aside at times for me makes me love her that much more. I wish there was some magic wand out there to completely erase the past but there isn’t. Well, hypnotism might be that wand but it scares the bejesus out of me. What if you get a hypnotist who learned his craft from some mail order correspondence course? Every time someone says taco you might fall to your hands and knees while barking incessantly at everyone nearby. That wouldn’t be cool at all but I digress.

As hard as things have been, at times, there is nowhere I would rather be than standing by this woman’s side. When I wake up in the morning and she’s lying beside me I thank God that I was allowed to find such a loving, caring person to spend my life with. I know that sounds about as sappy as it can get but it’s what I feel every morning. I have irrational fears and nightmares of losing her. I can always tell her these which, in turn, let me know exactly how irrational they are. I think we’re all scared of losing things that we love on one level or another. If you have lost things you have held dear or even adored then these feelings are multiplied tenfold. I have lost quite a few people I have loved to either death or irreconcilable differences so I am about as skittish, on this subject, as you can get. I have pushed people away who have gotten too close just because I was scared I would lose them and have to endure that pain again. Not a very smart practice but, most of the time, it was a subconscious decision. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until it was too late. This is something I have fought with myself about for years. Allowing yourself to be loved is tough sometimes, especially when you’re expecting the worst. Slowly but surely, I am beginning to expect the best. We’ve also decided to stop drinking. It seems that there was always one common factor to our fights and that was alcohol. I’ve been a drinker for so long that I wasn’t even sure I could stop completely if I tried. Well, it’s been a couple of weeks; I feel better physically, and there have been no fights. I still have the demons, in my head, that come calling but my gating is intact and I can fight them down. I have no doubts that, with time, they will disappear completely. Until then I can get back to doing something I do very well, loving my wife.

comments (15)

Always good to hear a little reality in here. Lockheed personally fluctuates levels of love for his companion. It goes in phases. When I'm deeply depressed, I get into a coma like state, and I feel numb towards said companion. Then there are the times when I'm afraid, and I feel absolute graciousness towards her. But all the time, there is unconditional love, regardless of Lockheeds psycho-rhythms... my joy continues for you Ezy, because you seem to have found something real...

by LOCKHEED at October 18, 2004 2:13 PM


Oh it's real alright Lock. The last few months have been quite a rollercoaster ride for both of us. I think taking the alcohol out of the mix is going to help quite a bit. I can become a pretty big ass when I have things on my mind and you add alcohol to that. It can be an explosive situation. Usually, and I'm working on this, I'll introvert when I feel scared or can't beat back the demons as easily as I'd like. The therapist I was seeing was ok at first then slowly turned me off as the sessions went on. It wasn't anything she said per se, we just didn't click. I can't comfortably open myself up to someone I can't get along with on a personal basis. She was just a little too clinical and lacked a human element. I'm actively looking for another but, in this area, there are more foreigners than anything. It's not that I have anything against foreigners but adding language and cultural barriers to an already awkward situation isn't what I'm looking for. I feel like a complete psychopath sometimes but things are getting a bit easier to deal with. That's why I believe that time, the great healer, may be my saving grace here.

by Ezy at October 18, 2004 2:41 PM


That's what I need to do. Problem is, the last time I did I had a series of most unpleasant grand mal seizures.

by anna at October 18, 2004 5:58 PM


What brought on the seizures Anna? I can't tell from what you said. Whatever it was, that's terrible.

Ezy, that sounds like a good decision. Not that there's anything wrong with casual drinking of alcohol, but giving up alcohol never quite sounds like a bad idea!

Regarding your search for a good therapist, I think it's very good that you left when you realized you didn't click and are continuing to look for a new one. I think that there are good ones and bad ones, and definitely ones that will fit your personality and background better than others. I'm rooting for you!

by jean at October 18, 2004 11:38 PM


They never really determined it but the only common denominator was abstinence for a number of days. That and exposure to stimuli that I found disgusting.

by anna at October 19, 2004 7:47 AM


Sigh... you've come a long way Ezy! Sounds like you're both realizing that the other is in it for the long haul. Many congrats! And my hats off to you for realizing alcohol is a big factor in irrational behavior. Drinking has all but ceased for me & Sean... and when I do drink, I definitely notice a much higher likelihood of crying or getting upset over nothing.

by Linz at October 19, 2004 10:42 AM


It's strange. Alcohol has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. As kids, my friends and I would steal beers from a guy up the street who religiously kept a case in the back of his truck. In high school all we did, activity wise, was get drunk, have sex and party. In the Army we would go out five times a week on average. When I got out I took a job that sent me all over the US for work and the group of guys I was with all partied like animals. Just recently I realized something about my drinking habits. I was drinking more for escape than for fun. Alcohol had become a crutch for me so I didn't have to deal with things. This was a very tough realization for me. I'm not sure if I would classify myself as a full on alcoholic but I know that I am definitely borderline. I still meet all of my responsibilities so I guess you could call me a functioning alcoholic. It makes me sick to think about. Amy and I are very passionate and emotional people so when you add alcohol to that it can make for a less than desirable situation. All I know is that I love her and she means more to me than alcohol could ever begin to. One has to go so it will be alcohol.

Jean, I never thought it would be this hard to find a therapist I can get along with. In the past I have had no trouble finding someone. I think it's the area I am in now. I'm displaced. Before, I could go talk to someone who grew up in the same area I did so they understood all of the dynamics of that community and the things I was taught growing up. It's so different here that I'm not sure I will ever find someone. I'm going to keep looking though. I think as long as Amy and I keep lines of communication open to each other, don't get defensive over things, and love each other enough to understand the other then we can overcome anything. I'm banking on it.

by Ezy at October 19, 2004 11:11 AM


Where I grew up the ice cream truck guy also sold beer, ice cold. And pot. To anyone.

by anna at October 19, 2004 6:14 PM


Ugh, that sucks Ezy. I know what you mean, as the particular part of L.A. where I grew up doesn't tend to create a lot of psychologists (it is almost completely lower-middle class minorities), so I also always had to explain myself. Even my one favorite therapist didn't ever quite get some things.

I'd love to hear about the differences between your hometown and where you are now, sometime. I like stuff like that for whatever reason. :)

And, I'm impressed by yours and Amy's faith and commitment to each other. It's inspirational to see!

by jean at October 19, 2004 11:47 PM


Well Jean, I grew up in a small town (enter John Mellencamp jokes here) where you were judged on your honor, word and integrity above all other things. It didn't matter whether you were from the good or bad side of town. There were some fucked up things, like racial tension at times, but everyone pretty much judged you on your word and actions. Talk didn't cut it there. The D.C. area is so superficial that it's tough to stomach sometimes. The surface here is everything. It's what you drive, who you know, or where you live that matters, not who you are. Who you are is usually secondary to the other things.

People here are very cliquish and closed off. Where I am from there is a real sense of community. If someone needs help, a complete stranger will step up and offer a hand. Try that one here. Case in point, the other day Amy and I went to Target to look for some curtain rods. We came out of the store and I say this lady struggling with quite a few bags and a baby stroller. I immediately went over and offered to help her. There was immediate suspicion on her face and she declined the help when she obviously needed it. What kind of place breeds that kind of suspicion?

by Ezy at October 20, 2004 11:28 AM


Like New York. When you try to save pedestrians to cross they look all leery like it's a trick and you plan to run them down once they step into the crosswalk.

by anna at October 20, 2004 6:53 PM


Thanks, Ezy. Your hometown sounds like a good place. I never got into D.C., either. I've probably mentioned before that I once spent a summer there. I do remember a lot of hostile people, and a lot of superficial ones that hung around Capitol Hill. Some walked around looking all important, presumably because they were in politics. So lame.

by jean at October 21, 2004 12:05 AM


Exactly like NYC Anna. Self absorbed people who are suspicious of others who try to be outwardly friendly or helpful. I guess when you live somewhere like NYC or D.C. you have to watch your back. Sad but true.

You're welcome Jean. My hometown is good in some respects and has a way to go in many others. There wasn't a lot of diversity there when I was growing up but since the movie "What About Bob" was filmed, in the area, it has grown quite a bit. A lot of people from NY, New England and other points north figured out they could sell their barely livable homes in the city and purchase large dwellings with *gasp* an actual yard for next to nothing. The housing prices have been driven up quite remarkably since the rush but, compared to prices in NYC and places like it, they're still affordable.

I think that the added diversity is a good thing but one thing bothers me. I hate to hear people who moved there talking about how slow and backwards the area is. If you move to a place that small, from a city, it's not going to have all of the convieniences you had in the city. Did you think that, as soon as you moved, all of the convieniences would magically appear? Duh. You moved away from the city for a reason, probably for a better quality of life and place to raise a family. If you can't stand the pace and lack of convienience all I can tell you is to move back.

D.C. is full of self important political types. I ended up at a bar near Capitol Hill one night and the pick up lines all consisted of tales of being in the same room with important political figures. What really freaked me out is that they worked. Go figure. Power is very much the "in" thing here.

by Ezy at October 21, 2004 10:11 AM


First of all, Ezy, I could not be more happy for you. You finally found that person who is going to stick by you no matter what. We should all be that lucky. Second, with regards to big city lifestyles like NYC or DC I have something to say. I was born and raised in Dallas and what they say about the south is true. People are very nice and very hospitable to strangers for the most part. I recently moves up to NYC to continue my college studies and was a bit wary about everything I heard about New Yorkers and their attitudes etc... The thing is, and maybe its because I currently live up in the Heights (Spanish Harlem), most of the natives around here are nice as hell. Maybe the NYC attitude didn't rub off on the Dominican community, I don't know. All I do know is that I feel more at home here than I did in Texas. Weird huh?

by Bepo at October 25, 2004 3:55 PM


Thanks Bepo. It took us both quite a while to find each other. I'm 34; she's 33 What we have is so much better than anything we've ever known that we freak ourselves out at times. We've both been through bad relationships so we both have a tendency to expect something awful to happen. We're slowly starting to relax and it's incredible.

That is strange. I was making a broad blanket statement about larger cities. I'm sure that there are plenty of people in NYC and D.C. who would give you the shirt off of their backs if the need arose. It just doesn't seem to be the majority. When you live in a place that large you get lost in the shuffle and become so focused on your own life that you overlook others at times. I know that most people, in this area, are so busy with their lives that they develop tunnel vision.

by Ezy at October 25, 2004 4:47 PM