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They've really got to be some kind of nut
by anna at 07:28 PM on October 01, 2004
Encouraged by Jean's comment I hurl this into the weekend abyss.
One day I was taking a dump on company time. As we all do, I peered into the bowl afterwards. Mixed with the turds was the crimson color of fresh blood. This isn't good. I hurried home and ruined a new pair of dress slacks in the process. That proved to be the least of my problems.
Turns out I had a hemorrhoid that had ruptured. I brought this to the attention of my wife, who gamely tried to apply pressure and other measures to stem the crimson tide flowing from my balloon knot. This is the definition of true love.
Eventually she gave up and said she needed to drive me to the ER. I hadn't been there since my last grand mal seizure, so I wasn't real keen on the idea. But I did have to agree that the situation seemed hopeless so I went.
It's the usual scene. Some legit serious injuries being wheeled by on gurnies by concerned-looking EMTs and nurses. The usual litany of sprained ankles, overdoses, hangnails, fractures and non-insured people in for their annual checkups. And me, sitting there all dejected with blood flowing like a geyser out of my ass. Every so often they'd call a name as a pool of blood formed on the linoleum floor at my feet. After a torturous eternity they called mine. I shuffle over there leaving a trail of blood like a slug's slime.
"So what seems to be the problem," the disinterested intake person asks. "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID? NOTHING SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, GODDAMMIT. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM IS THAT I'VE GOT BLOOD STREAMING OUT OF MY ASS AND I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR AN HOUR." "I see. Have a seat. The nurse will be right with you," she reassures me. A few stitches and I was good to go.
But it turns out I forgot to contact my PCP to get her blessing before visiting the ER. This is a major non-no. I wound up stuck with the bill. I made a mental note not to let that happen again.
A few weeks later I sustained a major gash on my hand while washing a wine glass. It was a Sunday. I dug up the number for my PCP and called her. She answered on a cell. I could hear the sounds of golf in the background. I imagined one of those announcers speaking in their hushed tones.
I told her about my injury. She lined up a putt. "How would you characterize the bleeding? Would you say it is oozing or seeping," she asks. "Well, if I had to choose a verb I think I'd go with spurting," I said. "Why are you calling me? You've severed an artery. You need to be at the ER now," she scolds me.
You just can't win.
comments (9)
What the hell is a PCP?
by MrBlank at October 2, 2004 2:31 AM
It's a drug, horse tranquilizer I think. Kidding, it's primary care physician or in HMO lingo a "gatekeeper." They man the gate to ensure that no one ever receives medical care.
by anna at October 2, 2004 8:35 AM
Terrible. Kaiser Permanente's ID cards say on the back that you must go to Kaiser ERs for all non life-threatening emergencies, and are covered for visits to any ERs for a life-threatening emergency. I don't get why they think that a layperson knows what's life-threatening and what's not. If blood's leaking out anywhere, I agree that dying is a definite possibility.
by jean at October 2, 2004 11:46 PM
P.S., I'm glad that I could help! Just watch, I'll bet people have tons to say about, um, lower-digestive tract injuries. It can only be a matter of time before Eviltom gets here!
by jean at October 2, 2004 11:50 PM
I had a cool medical story to tell but a received a message: Your comment could not be submitted for the following reason: questionable content. What?
I will try to edit and post it again.
by anna at October 3, 2004 9:36 AM
Along the same lines, when I had that seizure I cracked my head open. An ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I stayed in CCU a couple days and was seen my many docs. My insurance paid what it considered "reasonable and necessary," leaving me with a couple thousand to pay. When seeking care you need to ask what the price is up front so you can comparison shop for the best bargain. That is both "reasonable" and "customary?"
by anna at October 3, 2004 9:36 AM
I had to substitute "docs" for another word the censor didn't like.
by anna at October 3, 2004 9:37 AM
Well, you don't notice it because i keep the site clean, but there is tons of comment spam out there on blogs. People spam the comments with links to casino and various pharmacological sites, and I've got a filter on to keep those comments off. It looks like you were trying to use the word - C I A L I S ?
by mg at October 3, 2004 1:14 PM
How weird is that. The word was _____ (type of doctor who does a certain branch of medicine.) I thought they were saying I was saying something offensive or derogatory.
by anna at October 3, 2004 4:47 PM