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ab

flex points

by ab at 07:46 AM on October 15, 2004

So, as many of you know, mg and I have given birth to a beautiful new life. Which is actually a misnomer. I know it’s politically correct nowadays to say “we gave birth,” and, “Yay! We’re pregnant!” I guess it’s supposed to make the guy feel more included and involved, etc. Well, I’m officially done with that. Let’s face it, it’s my body that’s actually housed, nourished and pushed out an 8 lb bundle of love, not my guy’s body. And I don’t see mg whipping out his mams in public when she’s hungry. (Although, I was surprised to see that when we’re together in public and she’s eating, he insists on “helping” by prudishly covering us both over in flannel and hovering lest some passerby get an errant glimpse of nip.)

But now that those first heady days of pregnancy and birth-giving are over, the hard part begins. No, it’s not endless streams of steamy, “mustardy/seedy” diapers (actually how it’s described in the book), and the hard part isn’t having to stifle the infrequent sounds of bliss emanating from our marital bed because baby sleeps about 5 feet away. The hard part is losing baby weight. They don’t really mention that part to you. OK, they do talk about it and tell you to be careful, blah, blah, no pints of ice cream at 11:30 pm when you’re in your 9th month, blah, blah. But I guess I didn’t really get it until this weekend.

There was a wedding which required dressing up. I was trying to pour myself into a dress that was formerly exiled from my closet branded as “frumpy” but now hugs curves I’m pretty sure just weren’t there before. Let me tell you, holding in your breath and your atomic chest while hubby strains to pull up zipper in back may sound like a scene from “I Love Lucy” until it happens to you.

I guess the point of this is that the “we’re pregnant” now looks more like “I’m fat.” And I sure don’t see my husband dragging his saggy butt to the gym or counting the POINTS of each serving of food he eats. (By the way, did you know a serving of opossum is only 1 POINT according to Weight Watchers?)

I guess I should have known, really. Trying to lose weight sucks and blaming it on someone else makes sense to me right now. To tell the truth, my past successful crash-diets have all included lots and lots of cigarettes and unrequited love. Since those days are behind me, I guess I must do it the traditional, boring and difficult way. It takes a long time. I miss my jeans. I miss my skirts. You know, I think my feet actually got bigger, too. Now that’s a bitter pill. Shoes have always been sacred—not being subject to bloating, etc.

In short, men should readily relinquish the terms including but not limited to: “We’re pregnant” and “We’re having/have had/had a baby!” In the meantime, I’ll be calculating POINTS and sweatin’ to the oldies. We all have to make sacrifices.

comments (21)

I don't have a saggy butt.

by mg at October 15, 2004 7:51 AM


Where does one find quality opossum these days?

by Adam L. at October 15, 2004 9:17 AM


Both my stepdaughters have babies. One hasn't quite lost all that baby bloat but the other has. She is rail-thin and somehow it's kind of frightening. It just doesn't seem right, like the way Hollywood stars spit out babies, hand them to their nannies and consult with nutritionists, personal trainers and the like. Within a month Catherine Zeta-Jones is in movie shape.

by anna at October 15, 2004 9:36 AM


I'll never utter the words "We're pregnant" while my wife is. That is, unless by some miracle I achieve immaculate impregnation and actually carry a full term with her, just not true. The truth of the matter is that she's pregnant and I'm trying with everything I have not to get killed, on a daily basis, by a hormonally imbalanced woman.

by Ezy at October 15, 2004 10:15 AM


Hello. I haven't met you yet. Congratulations albeit belated. What 'oldies' are you listening too? Personally, Lockheed thinks your husband is rather mean, saggy butt or not.

by LOCKHEED at October 15, 2004 10:30 AM


It's Amanda, silly, MG's secret squeeze. Ezy you have a way of slipping things in there. You be a daddy?

by anna at October 15, 2004 11:02 AM


Nah man. Hypothetically speaking. Well, that I know of.

by Ezy at October 15, 2004 11:15 AM


yes, anna-- those anorexic hollywood mothers give the rest of us a complex. besides, secretly, i do think franny perfers a cushy snuggle to any pointy, sinewy, scarcrow embrace of a postpartum gynneth/ celine/catherin zeta-jones.

by ae at October 15, 2004 1:20 PM


mg can be mean--he should buy me something.

by ae at October 15, 2004 1:22 PM


Then again, they can always adopt and avoid dealing with all that. I have to wonder just how Angelina Jolie's little Cambodian lad will turn out. At least he doesn't have any Billy Bob Thornton in him. That guy is way scary.

by anna at October 15, 2004 2:26 PM


I'd love to be Angelina Jolie's little Cambodian lad. I know I'm not Cambodian but anything to nuzzle my head on that.

by Ezy at October 15, 2004 2:42 PM


Goddamn Game Three Rained out in Boston... Now I need to read more posts. (I have a picture of my Porcelain Doll on her blog;the author of my new blog). Please tell me if you think she's attractive. Thanks. www.tradinganddrugs.blogspot.com peace.

by LOCKHEED at October 15, 2004 8:39 PM


I wanna have a saggy butt and say "We're pregnant!!!!"

Wait, shit. Wrong.

by snaggle at October 17, 2004 8:09 AM


PS, I'd whip out my mams in public for ya, AB. ;) Love ya, take care of my MG.

by snaggle at October 17, 2004 8:12 AM


just found out last night that the wife is preggers. that's right...you heard it here first. the wife and i have jumped on the baby bandwagon. who's next?

by JC at October 18, 2004 12:52 PM


Congrats JC. That's cool stuff man. As to being next.........not it.

by Ezy at October 18, 2004 1:37 PM


Congratulations JC!!! What great news!

by jean at October 18, 2004 11:43 PM


thanks! it wasn't really planned, but a week alone in a remote cabin after wedding #2 was enough to do it. now we're scrambling to get the wife some health insurance so she can see a dr. asap. oops. =^)

by JC at October 19, 2004 1:58 PM


JC that's great. But let me just say that like "glorious," "preggers" seems like a chick word.

by anna at October 19, 2004 6:16 PM


Wipping the boob out in public always made my husband cringe, until baby #4. When sitting on the couch nursing, my wonderful hubby would invite the neighbors in to see our new bundle or invite friends over to play video games!!! I actually would feel bad for these people cause you could see how uncomfortable they felt.

by CYNDEELOUWHO at October 19, 2004 8:54 PM


Are you a crack ho too? I just gave birth to a black man's baby. My payment was his huge cock and a hit of crack. We DO have fun, don't we?

by Barbara Jane Cole at December 30, 2004 12:31 PM