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Once upon a midnight dreary I woke with something in my head
by anna at 01:07 PM on August 01, 2004
I have lusted in my heart. -Jimmy Carter to Playboy magazine
In an ideal world you'd never see your former sex partners again after the fling is over. But of course, the more of them there are the more likely it is you will chance to meet them as you make your daily rounds. They will be fully clothed, perhaps extending their hand for a polite shake, or offering a perfunctory hug or even that Euro kissy-kiss thing they do on each cheek.
You will picture them in the most compromising if not depraved position you ever saw them in. You'll hear not their greeting or what they've been up to lately. They say, "Work has been going great." You hear: "Oh, oh that feels so great. Don't stop." They're wearing a tasteful dress suit. You see them in only a skimpy thong or a sweaty wife-beater T-shirt. You're lucky you're not Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar.
It's a fact of life. While you can and should exert control over what you say and do, there's no controlling your libinous mind. Just ask Carter. Or Carrey's character. Who could forget that scene in the elevator with the buxom neighbor?
These sensual memories of bygone trysts are forever embedded in your mind. Well, maybe not forever. I can't remember any details of the vast majority of encounters I had in my single days. Just a few unusual situations pop into my mind from time to time. As a happily married man, I squelch those thoughts immediately. But I can't deny that they've occured any more than the god-fearing Carter could.
I have one coworker whom I dated many, many years ago. Every so often we pass in the hall and say hi. Up pops this most unwelcome image in my head. It isn't a good one. In fact it's rather embarrassing. I wonder if this happens to her too.
Another time I met an old GF at a gathering with her parents. It doesn't get much worse than that.
Or maybe it does. Growing up my parents ran a restaurant where most of the locals would hold their wedding receptions. I'd sit on this veranda overlooking the reception hall. Sometimes I'd wander downstairs and mingle with the guests. If I chatted up someone from the bride's side, I would say I knew the groom and vice versa. I would know their respective names from my mom's records. I'd enjoy champagne toasts, Swedish meat balls and shrimp cocktail. Sometimes I'd enjoy more. You know how it can be at wedding receptions. (Think page 27 of The Godfather.)
One time the bride turned out to be someone I'd dated years before. She was a free spirit, what used to be called a real firecracker. Her favorite song was She Wants a Pearl Necklace by ZZ Topp. She explained what it meant to me. At her wedding she sported a pearl necklace. The First Dance was to that very song.
I went to duck out of there post haste, but she spotted me first. Her and the new hubby come over and she introduces him. He's like, an investment banker or something. It is simply awful. I'm trying to act all suave and nonchalant but there's this image that won't go away.
Am I alone in this?
comments (17)
Dear god. If the scenario had happened to me, you'd sure as hell better believe that image would be in my head. Course, I've never been one for pearl necklaces. Peal navel piercings maybe.... or armbands.... or... let's just stop this now. Someone'll vomit.
As it is, I'm fairly okay with my ex-whatevers. Sometimes if they're running around shirtless or there's an especially good hug, certain memories will come out and start rolling around, but usually nuttun.
by snaggle at August 2, 2004 12:47 AM
I can't say as I have the same problem. As much as I have moved around in the last five or six years, I barely ever see anyone I know, let alone old flames.
I'm curious, if the locals were the ones holding the wedding receptions, didn't any of them come around enough to catch on to your schtick? I can see them filing in, "There's that son of a bitch Anna, watch out for him. He got my sister pregnant at my cousin's wedding. And my nephew. Yeah, no one's too sure what happened there. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why we keep having receptions here..."
by Mike Sheffler at August 2, 2004 1:49 AM
How about the interesting thoughts you sometimes have about people you *haven't* slept with yet? They also make life interesting.
Anyways, I'm not sure how nonchalant I could remain watching any bride and groom do their first dance to that song at all. I would be thinking, do the parents know??
by jean at August 2, 2004 3:14 AM
Snaggle it is interesting that you are now part of our west coast contigent. Pleased to be telling us how you, er, avoid such a scenario.
Mike, it is a very big town. And if it was people I knew, other that the occasion I mentioned, I'd be invited. So my cover never got... blown, so to speak.
Jean that is the absolute worst First Dance song I ever saw and over the years I saw my share of Billy Joel-like awfulness.
by anna at August 2, 2004 7:49 AM
The town I live in is relativly small so you often see people you have slept with. This in itself is cringe worthy, however its far more embarrassing when you bump into a former partner and as they walk away you turn to you friend and say at the excact same time "How embarrassing I've slept with him!" The image you are then presented with is by far the worst ever.
Anna I love it that you have enough front not only to crash someones wedding celebrations but to pull their guests!
by Nic at August 2, 2004 11:48 AM
Well, I'm not -quite- part o' the West Coast Contingent.. (can we start our own club? BS-WCC?) But soon....
Yeah, this area is pretty small (Ames/Des Moines) and combined with that the homo community is even smaller... some rather say somewhat incestuous. It's virtually impossible to get with someone who hasn't had at least -some- connection with someone you know... more likely multiple someones you know. And sometimes the degrees of separation are very, very small.
And Nic, the same thing's happened to me. Except the best is when you compare notes on when it happened and you slept with him when he was hot and they slept with him a couple years later after he was not-so-hot.
by snaggle at August 2, 2004 6:55 PM
Snaggle that whole scene fascinates me. You should post more about the basics of gay dating in small towns.
Nic it's always nice to hear from you. I dig the spelling of your name. And yes, I always had a blast at those receptions. I had nothing to prove and could adopt whatever personna I chose.
by anna at August 2, 2004 7:25 PM
This subject reminds me of a tagline for this blog I ran across: "All girls are pretty when their faces are covered with cum." Would you agree or disagree with that statement?
It also reminds me of the time my wife made the mistake of typing in keyword "facial."
by anna at August 3, 2004 6:25 PM
I asked my friend about this and he assures me that not all girls are pretty when their faces are covered in cum. In fact he said that he has seen some "dirt bags" with cum on thier faces!
by Nic at August 4, 2004 5:21 AM
Being from a small town I also tend to run into people I have slept with. I didn't leave many stones unturned so the probability is high every time I step foot back there. Every time Amy and I go home together I am on high alert. I rue the day some chick from my past and I run into each other while Amy is there. Very awkward.
On another note, I have also been to parties where I looked around and realized I'd, at one time or another, slept with most of the women in the room. I never really pissed many of them off so they were still nice to me. I remember talking to two girls I had slept with and wondering if they knew about each other, not that it really mattered to me at the time.
Nic is exactly right. Not all girls are pretty when their faces are covered in cum. I have seen some real butters covered and it's not a pretty site. *shudder*
by Ezy at August 4, 2004 8:02 AM
I'm not being funny but this does lead me to wonder, how a lot of my guy friends and now Ezy too ever end up covering these girls in cum when they find them so unattractive!
by Nic at August 4, 2004 4:06 PM
Nic, I was refering to a few bad porno movies I have seen. Personally, I have never given a girl a facial. Call me old fashioned or traditional but I find that act completely disrespectful. That's pretty demeaning in my opinion.
by Ezy at August 4, 2004 6:36 PM
Ezy, I am really glad to hear that and I'm sorry for just throwing you in there with my far less respectful guy friends.
by Nic at August 5, 2004 3:43 AM
Ezy I must reluctantly agree with you again, it is disrespectful and demeaning. And it's funny in those movies how the girls act like it's great. Oh yes, yes, why don't you throw turds at me next?
by anna at August 5, 2004 6:21 PM
Ezy, Anna, THANK YOU, the way some guys throw these terms around, you start to think that no men have any limits to what they'd do with their penises, if given the chance.
by jean at August 6, 2004 6:42 AM
Oh yeah, the BS-WCC should hang out! Are you in L.A. yet, Snaggle?
by jean at August 6, 2004 6:44 AM
No thanks necessary ladies. Some men still show women courtesy and respect. I really don't understand the whole turn-on of giving a facial. Power maybe? Call me crazy but I would much rather leave my dude where it is warm, moist and comfy. Now you're talkin.
Anna, I'm not too sure if that is an act, because they are supposed to actresses in a way, or if they truly enjoy being degraded in that manner. I wish I knew a female porn star so I could ask her.
by Ezy at August 6, 2004 2:20 PM