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Heartless Cruelty to the Harmless Is my Forte
by anna at 07:20 PM on August 31, 2004
Sorry about the Anna Marathon. After this I'll shut up and someone else can take the stage.
When choosing a college major it's important to consider the impact on your sex life. Guys who choose such fields as engineering, computer science or (as in my case) forestry will enjoy few opportunities to hit on classmates; just as girls who choose to major in English Lit won't meet many straight guys.
My forestry class was about 70% male and the women looked like they should reside under a bridge. Therefore my carnal life consisted mainly of choking the chicken.
There was one exception named Linda, who I met at a party. It was awkward because she was 5'9" and I'm 5'6". I played Barney Rubble to her Betty, Napoleon to her Josephine. To bridge the gap I'd wear boots and she'd wear flats. She'd walk around with that compensatory hunched-shoulder posture so common among gangly gals who lack self-confidence.
I spent a couple weeks at her parents' house. I remember how silly it seemed that I had to stay in their guest room. Every night she'd join me and scurry back to her room before sunup. I recall a mishap on a raft in my parents' pool. And that is it. The relationship didn't so much sour as fizzle out due to lack of interest, much like Michael Jackson's career.
I never gave Linda a second thought after graduation. Dad was dying and greedy developers were poised to raze his landmark restaurant once he'd drawn his last breath. Whore Hey was on trial for CCE, facing life. I myself faced DWI charges. It was a stressful time. I'm at the restaurant sipping beers as an infant sips breast milk.
The hostess tells me I have a call. It's her. She's in town and wants to get together. She claims she's never stopped thinking about me for all those years. Now even if I hadn't been happily married the last thing I wanted to do was rekindle our Mutt and Jeff relationship. So I tell her about my lovely wife and that was that. Well, almost. She forlornly asks if my marriage is a happy one, as though if it weren't we could still hook up on the sly. That was one of the most pathetic things I'd ever heard, and I told her so. She hangs up sobbing.
While she was a study in nonchalance, you just know it was one of those indecisive deals where you dial the number and quickly hang up. Said hostess confirmed my suspicions. There had been some telltale dial tone calls prior to this one. Much ado over nothing, I thought.
By way of contrast, I had what I thought was a pretty intense relationship with a girl who owned a two-seater sports car. A friend of ours was driving it and she was perched on my lap. Out of nowhere she says she wants him and starts kissing him on the mouth at a stoplight. Horns blared and I bailed.
I impart these woeful tales not just to make you cringe but because they illustrates a point. Most of us have three categories of past relationships: Long-forgotten trysts, vaguely recalled ones as the one with Linda and those we wistfully view as the one that got away. In the case of the latter, it's doubtful the person could pick you out of a police lineup full of dwarves and you.
Why it is that something so trivial to one person could mean so much to another remains one of life's little mysteries. Or does it?
comments (8)
I don't know if your major so directly affects your sex life. Some people like to talk about it as if it does, like if one wishes to have sex, all one has to do is stroll into an art class. I knew some people in college who hooked up like there was no tomorrow-- there was one floor in my dorm where it was musical bunk beds (and shower stalls) every night! But not everyone was like that. Actually, this whole sex-in-college subject is making me a little squeamish right now, because my youngest sister is starting college in three weeks. I must be getting old.
by jean at August 31, 2004 11:40 PM
Well everyone at my school was required to take economics. The classes were pretty evenly mixed and held in huge auditoriums. The scene there was pretty much as you describe, Jean. (pre-AIDS, mind you.)
by anna at September 1, 2004 7:48 AM
Don't worry, Jean. And whatever you do, don't try to "mom" her, I'm sure she's got some of your smarts.
It is an interesting topic, Anna... I wrote a guy a letter once in college, telling him how the things he did in high school really hurt me, and how despite it I always wanted his approval or something, and how it just bothered me.
He wrote back that he didn't remember ever being mean to me. An aloof but startled message, like "what the hell are you talking about?"
by Linz at September 1, 2004 2:02 PM
Anna,
You think forestry is bad? Try doing a double major in Math and Computer Science. Not only do you have an intense social stigma attached to you, you don't have time to pursue relationships. Luckily, I met my girlfriend during orientation before school even started (Five years this month. Wow.).
by Mike Sheffler at September 1, 2004 3:24 PM
Linz you've always struck me as one of those people who might get real emotionally vested in a relationship only to get hurt by some callous a-hole like me. But obviously that hasn't been the case with Sean and I doubt it ever will (see your last post about domestic bliss.) Maybe the high school thing was just a fluke.
Mike, what can I say? I bet you make a lot of money doing things you learned with those majors. The forestry thing never earned me squat.
by anna at September 1, 2004 7:05 PM
Thanks Linz. :) I always thought I wouldn't let it happen to me, but I'm finding my objectivity sliding away as the start of school approaches.
That high-school guy of yours sounds like a jerk. Phooey on him!
by jean at September 2, 2004 5:34 AM
Jean, thanks for being in my corner... we're actually friends now, and he lives in South Africa studying great white sharks. I've written about him once or twice, I might have called him forever crush. But yeah, he used to be a real toolbox.
Anna, even I would assume that when looking at me. Oddly enough I've been the breaker much more frequently than the breakee.
by Linz at September 2, 2004 10:31 AM
Well, will someone else take the stage? Will anyone brave not only the weekend comment graveyard but the holiday weekend one?
Nah.
by anna at September 3, 2004 6:17 PM