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anna

We been up and down this highway ain't seen a goddamn thing

by anna at 08:48 PM on July 06, 2004

And so, languishing in the grocery line desperate for any sensory input, we learn that Mary Kate Olsen doesn't suffer from bulimia after all. She's a crackhead, or so the tabloids scream. Her problem is Much, Much Worse!! It's the drugs. The horrors!

Now the only thought I've ever had about this girl is how it creeps me out when many radio guys drool about the day she and her sister become legal for sex. I think they should be forced to watch grainy reruns of Full House until they are disabused of such shameful notions once and for all.

Yet, having been up and down all these one-way streets, I took a passing interest in this tale. Back in the the mid-80s, my wife and I split due to a misunderstanding. Without my rudder, the Good Ship Anna began to list. I soon descended into a similar world of nightmarish misery. When I showed up on her doorstep all bedraggled, emaciated and haggard a year later she hardly recognized me. Maybe her motherly instincts caused her to invite my scary ass in. I don't know.

This sort of thing was an occupational hazard for many of us. In theory you don't sample the product but in the real world, it happens. To justify it we'd separate ourselves from the ghetto crackheads by saying that what we were doing was freebasing. (See David Crosby's racist tome Long Time Gone.) But in a pinch we'd find ourselves downtown at the 24-7 open air market, fidgeting and waiting for the brother to shout, "Whatchou need?"

So I look at at Mary Kate's plight in a slightly different light. Perhaps she'd be better off if all she had was an eating disorder, perhaps not. All I know is that she's found the world's best and worst diet all at once. Cocaine is a serious appetite suppressant, especially when cooked into crystalline form. And even if you did somehow experience a hunger pang, you have no money and the thought of going out in public to grab a bite is unthinkable.

Say a prayer for this bony little wench. She's been subjected to the white-hot, uncaring glare of celebrity since she was like, three years old. Just what would you expect?

comments (5)

I was in line at the supermarket last week and on one of those rags the headline was "The Pope gets hit by meteor again." Now, it isn't silly enough to think of the pope getting hit by a meteor - especially when you see the cover shot of the pope, holding some kind of sceptre, with a meteor lying on top of him. No, they have to say "Again" as if the pope gets hit by meteors every other day, and we should all know this fact, and accept it as a given.

by mg at July 6, 2004 9:33 PM


You mean the Pope doesn't get hit be meteors all the time? Once again I am reminded of a scene from Spinal Tap. David St Hubbins is saying that he believes everything he reads, even tabloids. "I think it makes me a much more selective human," he adds.

by anna at July 7, 2004 7:43 AM


I guess I don't keep up with papal news, but I'm pretty sure the pope hasn't ever been hit by a meteorite before. And he probably wasn't hit by a meteor this time either.

by mg at July 7, 2004 2:35 PM


Yeah that Popemobile is like a Brinks armored truck.

by anna at July 7, 2004 7:52 PM


to be honest, if he was hit by a meteor, it'd have to be a pretty small one. Our one and only link with God (which'd kind've make him a theological switch board operator; doesnt sound all that glamorous from that point of view) doesnt look like he can wash unsupported, let alone brave a blue hot shower.

[Briinnng] "Hello, which god may I connect you to, please?"; only with a polish accent.

by flibble at July 8, 2004 5:31 PM