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lot's of leche
by ab at 03:04 PM on July 20, 2004
They’re huge. I’m talkin’ really, really big. This is no joke. When they say “knockers” they’re right. They actually do knock around when unfettered. Jugs you say? Yes, I say. Jugs full of milk. I’m making milk. MILK for god-sakes. “Yes, you’re so clever, I could come in handy at the breakfast table. I actually have offered to soak MG’s America’s Choice Toasted Rice and to top off his coffee with my very own 2%. It’s milk. And it comes from my nips.
The pictures of a breastfeeding woman they show: Her resplendent in her rocking chair, sunlight bringing out the highlights in her perfect hair. Pink child suckling contentedly. They are symbiotic and working perfectly in concert together. You can practically hear the birds chirping from the window behind her. What could be more natural? What could be more self-explanatory?
Algorithms. Long Division. Football rules. All of these things make more sense than breastfeeding (which, is to say feeding my daughter from my boob is much more complicated.)
The doctors and the books always play up the “natural” aspect of this whole thing. “Women have done it for thousands of years,” they say. Have you ever seen a mama sow? They have at least twenty piggies sucking their mammoth mams. And they’re not complaining.
What the doctors and the books don’t tell you about is the fact that babies have wicked sharp gums. Let’s not be mistaken, people. Babies are hungry all of the time. And they eat for about 45 minutes at a stretch. And then you burp them and then they’re hungry again. At this point, I’m not sure which is more sore, my ass from sitting all day nursing or my nips from sitting all day nursing.
And what if I want a break from flopping my boob out on demand? Let daddy feed her. Meanwhile, I’m the milk fountain statue from Clockwork Orange. I’m only telling you this so that all of you out there think twice before taking up recreational breastfeeding.
They say it gets easier. Honestly, it already has become a little easier. It’s just that nothing can really prepare you for this relationship. I’m my daughter’s sole source of food. I’m the center of her universe right now. And right now she’s the center of mine. Maybe this is some sort of symbiosis.
comments (16)
I've always had this irrational fear of lactating women. I don't know what it is but it freaks me the hell out. I had a bad experience with milk when I was six or so and wouldn't drink it for years. I would sit at the dinner table, milk untouched, until I would force my parents to send me to bed. It is probably a combination of that and when my oldest sister directed a stream from her boob and hit me in the face. I was right beside her and I must have jumped ten feet the opposite direction. That was damned traumatic *shudder* How was I to know you could use the damned things for squirt guns?
by Ezy at July 20, 2004 4:05 PM
welcome! congrats, and all that warm fuzzy crap. as far as i'm concerned, mommy mammaries are awesome! but what the hell would i know, right? i'm pretty sure that if my lactating wife offered to top off my cup of joe with some home brewed leche, i'd have no problems with it. might as well put it to good use and save a couple pennies, right? plus it's supposed to be full of vitamins and immune system enhancing goodness. but hey, i don't have any traumatic sister's-milk-squirting-incidents in my past.
by JC at July 20, 2004 7:10 PM
here you go...now you can take a break from time to time and mg really can share in the joy of breastfeeding.
by JC at July 20, 2004 7:25 PM
AB, welcome!
But... who are you? You just had a daughter? Congrats! The guy who runs this site, MG, he just had a daughter too. Maybe your kids can be play buddies or something.
by Eviltom at July 20, 2004 9:03 PM
This is a wild guess, but by the looks of those pictures, and how things run in pairs: letters, daughters, posts, boobs, I'd say the only way MG and ABs daughters will become friends is if there is schizophrenia involved.
So does one build up calluses? Or is it like sex, the more you do it, the more you can do it? Is there a minimum age for a breast pump?
by chris at July 20, 2004 11:59 PM
Wow, we've got a regular bunch of Poirot's around here.
And BTW, she is right, her breasts are huge!
by mg at July 21, 2004 11:42 AM
She and Shannon should compete... I didn't know they made bras in "G."
Woo!
Anyway, could you guys please show us just, like, one wedding photo? C'mon!
by Linz at July 21, 2004 12:28 PM
Why are you calling us Poirot's? We aren't French!
by Eviltom at July 21, 2004 4:59 PM
I remember when I first saw pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow soon after she had her baby. I believe the first thing I said was "Oh my god, She has boobs now!"
I know I would want to breast-feed my child when (if) I have one, but the idea of it is indeed something very unsettling.
by Lucy at July 21, 2004 7:38 PM
yes, chris. boobs do become tougher over time. arrrrrrrrrr! boobs smash! not only are they brawny, they're pretty brainy, too. funny, up to this point i never appreciated how smart they were.
by ab at July 21, 2004 10:36 PM
what the hell? are you people dead? not one comment on lactating men? it's beginning to look more like "good samaritan" around here. jeez.
by JC at July 22, 2004 6:28 PM
Crap! I'd better try harder to be bad!
Welcome, AB!
by jean at July 23, 2004 1:04 AM
Well JC, lactating men is a subject that freaks the bejesus out of me. If lactating women make me uncomfortable then what do you think the thought of a man doing it does to me. That's why I didn't touch it. God, if I ever started lactating they'd have to put me in a straight jacket and padded room. I would flip. Ewwwwwwww.
by Ezy at July 23, 2004 8:24 AM
Jean- take solace. You already smell bad.
by Eviltom at July 23, 2004 8:25 AM
Hahahaha
by jean at July 24, 2004 1:46 AM
Just back fron OBX, no net access. Cool post. I'm torn whether to share it w/ stepdaughter who also has many issues with boobfeeding. But then she'd know about the site and possibly start tuning in while boobfeeding.
What the link doesn't show is MG plastered all over the other one. Maybe.
by anna at July 24, 2004 3:00 PM