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It’s only life after all
by ezy at 10:05 AM on July 14, 2004
Man, as completely amazing as my marriage to Amy is, it’s freaking work.
I have figured out what my parents must have known to stay married for forty-two years; you might not agree, have a fight, and say things unintentionally to hurt one another but when you wake up in the morning and see that other person there, that joy is what you hold on to. I have been going through a rough time of late with things that shouldn’t matter about Amy but do for some reason. I am actually in therapy to pinpoint and deal with them so we can get on with the good stuff. I am a possessive, protective, overbearing prick sometimes and I don’t mean to be but can’t turn off the shit in my head. I will learn though. I am committed to that with every fiber of my being. I can logically look at something and question myself why it matters but it seems as if the devil on my shoulders has tripled in size since we got married. I don’t understand why. Is it because it’s been so long since I allowed myself to care that it’s freaking me out? Maybe, I don’t know. I have also learned another thing about myself, during my marriage, that I never knew; I am insecure about myself. You would think that someone who has been with all of the women I have, jumped out of perfectly good airplanes and survived, served his country distinctly, moved somewhere where he knew no one and made good would have all of the confidence in the world but that isn’t the case. I think most of those things I did trying to prove my own self worth. Again, I don’t know why I feel the need to prove myself to myself. I doubt myself on a daily basis. Amy tells me all the time that I am the best man she has ever been with, in every category, and deep inside myself I doubt it. She would never lie to me so I know that if she says it it’s true but I don’t know why I can’t allow myself to believe it. I guess that is what therapy will help me to understand about myself. I do know that I will put in any amount of work needed to make life with Amy as good as it should be. I just wish I could understand myself better right now so she wouldn’t have to deal with my shit. I hate feeling ashamed at a thing I said or did but that is what I have been feeling for a majority of the time lately. You see, there is this wonderful, loving, loyal woman who pledged to stand by my side until death and I hurt her with things I say sometimes. What kind of shit is that? This has to end and I have to change this somehow but for the life of me I don’t know how just yet. I just thank God that Amy loves me as much as she does and doesn’t run even when that would be the easiest thing to do.
comments (15)
Maybe it is just me, but I've found it easier to be in a relationship now that I'm married. When you are just dating, even living together, it is always in the back of your mind that if things go bad, you can get out. But, if you are married it's just so damn much trouble to get divorced. There is a waiting period, paperwork, and just a bunch of hassle. It is much easier knowing that since I'm stuck with this person forever, I either have to live with what I don't like, or work like mad to fix those things.
by mg at July 14, 2004 1:14 PM
The reason I married Amy is because I am willing to put in any amount of work to make our marriage the best it can be. Both of us hold on to the old values of marriage. You stay together for better or worse. I believe that if you can communicate well then you can work past pretty much anything. The only deal breaker with me is betrayal. That's one thing I can't forgive. We're on the same page on that point so no worries. I think it's just the irrational fear that something might happen to cause me to lose her. I know, logically, that that isn't going to happen but how do you turn off your imagination? That's what I need to learn I think.
by Ezy at July 14, 2004 1:43 PM
Ezy you've finally done it, the one paragraph post.
I think of it this way when it comes to commitment: 1) Suppose you're a "tit man" and your wife needs a radical masectomy to survive. What do you tell her? 2) For all the fun being single can be, don't forget all the loneliness and boredom and rejection and, you know.
by anna at July 14, 2004 6:47 PM
Since this is the first time I have commented on this site I feel a bit wrong that it should be on your marriage. However I think it's great that you are willing to work at it even though it's hard. So many guys (and girls) out there these days are all too willing to walk away at the first sign of trouble. You sound like you had a pretty shit time with your ex, now you have found the person you deserve hang in there!
by Nic at July 15, 2004 5:58 AM
Welcome Nic. Don't be a stranger. We don't bite. Well, only playfully.
by anna at July 15, 2004 7:29 AM
Yea Anna, I've been in training for the one paragraph post and it finally paid off. Go me! You know, the funny thing is as hard as things can be sometimes, it's still worth every second. I know that I am fucked up in a lot of respects but I am willing to work on them like I have never done with anyone else. It does break my heart when I let something Amy does trigger something from my past but the fact that neither of us are running says everything.
Nic, don't feel wrong to comment on my marriage. I put things like this out there partly as therapy and to see if anyone else has been through similar situations so I can, maybe, gain some insight. I did have a shit time with my ex. She has hurt me on levels I'm not even sure I understand yet. With time and therapy I will learn to not let things my wife says or does trigger old emotions but I just wish they didn't in the first place. Welcome.
by Ezy at July 15, 2004 8:49 AM
Thanks for the warm welcome guys!
Ezy, I think everyone has old demons that pop up from past relationships at some point in their life. I have recently split from my b/f of four years for entierly that problem. Now four months on I wish I had worked harder and not let the most special person I ever had in my life walk away so easily. I guess thats why I respect your determination and commitment to your relationship.
Anna, in my opinion there is a tragic shortage of biting going on in the world! So I will look forward to friendly biting.
by Nic at July 15, 2004 11:42 AM
Yea Nic, the old demons can ruin your life if you allow them to. That's whatIi think I'm having such a hard time with; I know that Amy is like no other woman I have ever known so it kills me to let old emotions trigger something I know she would never do to me. It's so irrational that it's driving me insane.
Sorry to hear about your bf. Four years is quite an investment in someone. Hope you're getting along well.
by Ezy at July 15, 2004 11:51 AM
This brings to mind an idea. For all the people here happily entrenched in a relationship, there are probably many others who are looking. The Bad Sam CD exchange is chugging along well (?), so why not a Bad Sam Dating Service?
by mg at July 15, 2004 12:01 PM
The main reason I can see why that might not work out so well is the distances involved. Easier to mail CD's than people. Just from memory I recall the following places as where people are from: North Virginia, New York, New Jersey, California, Georgia, Wyoming, Nebraska, Alberta, Ontario etc etc. (and I know I missed a pile of places).
As hot as Jen X and Linz's pictures make them out to be, they are both more than a 1000 miles from me.
by chuckwoolery at July 15, 2004 1:13 PM
Yea, the logistics of it would be hell but it's a pretty cool idea.
by Ezy at July 15, 2004 1:49 PM
That does sound like a cool idea and maybe a good reason for lots of travelling!
Four years is a long time Ezy but I dont regret any of it because I have learned from it and hopfully that will help me in future relationships. After a few meaningless flings of course! Dont drive yourself insane you will get there in the end.
by Nic at July 15, 2004 4:26 PM
Nic, my last relationship that I thought was the "one" lasted sixteen years all told. What I took from the relationship, besides the bad shit I write about here, was the way to treat a woman well. I never exercised that knowledge in my younger days but now, every mistake I made is one I would never make again. I understand now that communicating what is going on in your head, understanding how to tell the other person in your relationship, and what past things that are triggered by a certain response are just that......past shit. It's hard sometimes to turn off the noise in your head but the rewards far outweigh anything else.
by Ezy at July 15, 2004 10:24 PM
Hey bro,
did you ever make it to NYC?
by DUTCHWHISKEY at August 17, 2004 10:21 PM
Dutchy!! Nah man, Amy decided she'd rather go somewhere else if we were going to spend that kind of money. She didn't have the best experience in NYC and would rather not. I sent you an e-mail about it; you didn't get it. Mail me jigga and I'll give you the lowdown.
by Ezy at August 18, 2004 11:04 AM