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adam

Breathe With Me

by adam at 07:28 PM on July 31, 2004

Part of the danger of having access to a forum like this is the ease with which foul invective can come streaming out of my fingertips to reach an unknown and largely anonymous audience. It's never a good idea to do anything right away when you've suffered a hurt, but putting Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" on one's stereo and going right to post is a particularly bad idea.

Though BW just told me not to be so down, I'm feeling particularly unloved and hopeless, and so I did the petty thing and lashed out at J, the immediate cause of my pain. That made me feel a lot better for a few minutes, but now I just feel small and sour (think unripe grape here). In J I saw the reflection of SL, someone who caused me incredible amounts of pain many years ago. I wasn't the only one to note the similarities - the old friends who met J, though they liked her, all accused me of the same thing - chasing SL (apologies to Kevin Smith). I was defenseless back then, and so heartbroken that I couldn't bear to reach out and let SL know exactly how much I hated her. So I unloaded the bile which I'd been saving up for so many years on J, even though she did little to earn it.

So I did something which I am loathe to do - I deleted my own post. That kind of "scream into the pillow" moment should be left in the pillow, not held high for the world to see. I guess I'm not a very big person after all, but I'm big enough to apologize in public for insult given in public.

comments (5)

dude I am confused. as of 8:55 PM 7/31/04 this post is still here.

by anna at July 31, 2004 8:55 PM


Adam, this kind of truth (that you're lashing out at someone because you were hurt by someone else in the past-- and I've SO been there) is really hard to admit, and a lot of people never get past their pride to get so far. So, personally, I think this post here is really cool. I wish you the best of luck in getting through the rest of what sounds like a very tough situation.

by jean at August 1, 2004 5:56 AM


a,
i dont know what hurts you more, the things you want so badly or the people in whom you see the things you want so badly. maybe it's a matter of stepping back and releasing all these desires that seem to go unsatisfied. i think knowing too much of what you want in life can be nonconducive to life-building.

by ida may at August 2, 2004 11:25 AM


Adam, I feel you. Amy and I deal with quite a bit of pent up anger, hurt, and mistrust from past relationships. At times we lash out at each other when one of us inadvertently pushed a button, which reminds us of past experiences, and causes a reaction. The crazy thing is that both of us know that neither would do anything remotely close to what has happened in the past but it seems to be more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything. It's tough to take a barrage like that and not return the attack in kind but we're both learning not to react that way. When she reacts to something in a way I never meant, I have to recognize that it isn't me she's reacting to, it's ghosts from her past and vice versa. We're getting much better at it and the attacks aren't coming anywhere near as frequently but we still have work to do. Don't beat yourself too badly; all of these feelings are manageable. You just have to find a place to put the pain and anger. I have began writing all of it down in a kind of lyrical journal type thing and it feels so good to get that shit out and on paper. You'll have to find your vent and not have it be another person.

by Ezy at August 3, 2004 8:29 AM


DEAR ADAM,

I AM ONLY 13 YEARS OLD. I AM IN 6TH GRADE AND PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME BECAUSE OF MY BAD BREATHE AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS AND I DON'T SEE WHAT IS FUNNY ABOUT THIS SO CAN YOU HELP ME GET RID OF MY EMBRASSING BREATHE PLEASE ...........

THANK YOU LOVE ALWAYS LOURDESE

by lourdese syla at May 11, 2005 9:07 PM