I'm hoping to get some input on a situation, and I can't post about it openly on my site; at least, I'm too chicken to do it. Ezy commented on it over there, but I figure it's about time to explain this a bit better.
As always, Linz is a trend-setter. :)
Two years ago, a friend of mine set me up with a (semi-)mutual friend (I'd met the guy once, years ago, but since he's not huge into group gatherings, I'd not met him since then). We went out for about two months, and then he broke up with me the day I got back from vacation.
Now, while we were together, the relationship -- for the first week or two -- was amazing. He was super-sweet, attentive, kind, funny, intelligent, fun, and even the sex was great (which rarely happens for me). We spent tonnes of time together, and within a week he'd told me he was falling for me and he gave me a key to his place.
The reason I say that it was for the first week or so that it was great was because during that time, it was just the two of us, plus some socializing. See, he has this ex-girlfriend...
She treated him like shit for the three or four years they were together. She was pregnant when they started dating, and he stuck by her side, raising the baby with her and so on. They got engaged, and eventually broke up because it seemed she was cheating on him (everyone accepts this as fact, including him) and they were horrendously incompatible and so on. This child loves my ex- and knows that he's not Dad, but loves him as who he is.
Now, the ex-gf played my ex- with various games, telling him first that he could see the child, then that he couldn't, then that he could again. She continued to take advantage of my ex-, making him pick the child up and drop it off at odd hours simply because she knew my ex- would jump through her hoops to be able to continue seeing the child.
My ex- did not have the ability to walk away from the situation. He loves this child too much and can't do that to any of them. He told me that he knew he should, but that he never could. When we broke up, he said that he'd be perfectly happy going to work, coming home, hanging out with the child when he could, and going to bed.
Anyhow, sometime after we broke up, his ex- got pregnant again and has since had another child (I'm not even sure the gender of this one, to be honest). Even before she had the child, the two of them were starting to get along better, which seemed to be good for everyone all around.
When he and I were together, he played her games to be able to keep seeing the child. Whenever he had to deal with her, he'd get frustrated and distance himself from me, and I became a friend rather than a girlfriend. He told me that he'd rather end things between us relatively early on, before we got really involved and I got really hurt. He reportedly also told a few people that he thought things were moving too quickly, which annoyed me to hear, since he was the one moving things faster, but whatever.
I'm not sure how we'll I've explained this or even if people will read this far, but I'll carry on. Basically, this guy is still on my mind, two years later. Years ago, I was in a similar situation, at least as far as having feelings for someone long after we'd broken up. I got in touch with that guy, and we wound up dating again for two years -- three years after we'd originally broken up. So I do know that it can happen, and all this... But of course, I'm scared and uncertain.
Oh yeah, one thing that most of my friends (especially our mutual ones) don't know -- about a year after we'd originally broken up, we slept together. Just a one-night thing, but it goes to show that he still finds me attractive and so on. This guy isn't one to just sleep with anyone, either. I was only the second girl he'd ever been with.
So... yeah. I guess I'm looking to see if many people (beyond Ezy :)), think that I should maybe go for this. That, and I just wanted to get all of this off my chest, 'cause I know a few of my friends who are sick of hearing about it. :)
I say, if you're feeling it, go for it. But don't let him marginalize you again... That sounds like baggage he wasn't ready to put down two years ago. Is he now?
by Linz at July 13, 2004 4:54 PM
This guy is a sap that has let a girl string him along for multiple years, let her play on his emotionally attachment for her young child, and has told you you're better off not to get involved with him.
You paint a picture of a loser, emeshed in a situation that will only bring you grief and hurt. Are you that screwed up, with so little self-respect, as to allow yourself to be drawn into this morass?
Is that even accurate? Is he drawing you into the morass, or are you jumping in with no prompting from him? Nothing you've said indicates he's trying to get you back...
Plenty of fish in the sea and all that.
Sorry if my position sounds extreme, but I've dealt with tons of situations like this, both in criminal court, and in family matters (when I was in private practice). They are not good for anyone, and I always wonder why the 3rd party decides to get themselves in the middle of a f'd up situation.
by chuckwoolery at July 13, 2004 5:48 PM
Chuck, you just described the last sixteen years of my life. People change. Who knows if he might just be ashamed of how he handled himself and thinks Jen wants nothing to do with him. I'm making quite a few assumptions here. As I told you on your site Jen, not knowing things keeps me up at night. If I hadn't taken a chance at that one moment in time then there is a chance that Amy and I wouldn't be married right now. There is nothing wrong with seeing if he is receptive to your advances and, hopefully, has found a place to put his ex. One word of advice, let him prove himself to you if he is indeed interested. Don't hold all of yourself back, that would come off weird, but don't dive in with all of your clothes on.
by Ezy at July 13, 2004 6:12 PM
Ezy, aren't you a testament to the plenty of fish in the sea theory? You seem to have found a special relationship with your lady after all that crap with your ex. Jen was only with that guy for a couple months (ish) maybe she can avoid the years of crap you put up with, and find someone worthwhile.
You're also right, about the ton of assumptions thing. A post like this is too little info for me to say that my position is the correct one. It's just my gut reaction...
by chuckwoolery at July 13, 2004 6:30 PM
Well I would steer clear of this entanglement. But I wonder about the other couple. Anyone who would in any way use a child as a relationship pawn should be shot. I have two stepdaughters and my wife's prior marriage ended very badly. Nowadays we're best of friends. I mean, her ex and me. That is how relationships involving innocent kids should be.
by anna at July 13, 2004 7:09 PM
From what you say, I agree with Chuck and Anna. Does life really have to be that hard? Other peoples' problems are other peoples' problems - we all have enough of our own. It's a bad situation - he'll never have rights to see the kid, and she'll keep putting him through crap until she doesn't need him anymore, until she finds someone else to do his work.
But then, like Chuck says, I don't know these people, and I'm not there, and stuff can be complicated. Good luck.
by Andy at July 13, 2004 8:09 PM
Speaking of which, Chuck, the first song on the mix CD is for you. Word. Everyone else that's getting it, please don't hate me for putting such a pessimistic song on :)
Jen, I am with Ezy in that not knowing things keeps people up at night. I think you should act on your feelings. But like Linz said, don't let him marginalize you. His situation is a sad one, but it's his problem and not yours. If he starts making it your problem too, walk away.
by jean at July 14, 2004 3:15 AM
Yea Chuck, I guess I am. My situation with my ex didn't work but i would never be able to have the relationship I have with Amy right now if I didn't dispell all doubts of whether Steph and I would work. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, would have always been that "what if"? There is no "what if" now. I know that it could never have worked.
by Ezy at July 14, 2004 8:58 AM
It's interesting to read over Chuck's comments, 'cause I hadn't really seen it from that point of view. I know I didn't paint a complete picture in my telling, and so I know that my ex- doesn't come off as favourably as he's viewed by his friends and so on. He is a good guy, generous to a fault and so on, stubborn as a mule on issues that are important to him, and this is one of them. The attachment to the kid is partly a result of his semi-crappy upbringing, if memory serves.
I appreciate all of the insight that everyone has brought to this. If nothing else, it was nice to be able to talk about it in a forum where I didn't have to camouflage the details or my thoughts on the matter (as I do on my site).
by Jen at July 14, 2004 11:22 AM
Being home with not much to do but wait for a kid to start crying so you can feed them, burp them, or change them, you sort of get stuck doing a lot of killing time. Just about every day on Maury they have paternity tests. One guy with kids by five different women. A woman who has to bring on 9 different guys, because she doesn't know which is her baby's father (surprise, it wasn't any of them!). Don't be one of those stories.
by mg at July 14, 2004 1:20 PM
*laugh* Oh, don't worry about that. No babies for me for awhile -- ideally, sometime after I'm married. At the very least, when I've found someone I want to be with for awhile.
Hell, for now I'm not even dating or whatnot... just taking some time to myself to wait until I find a worthwhile guy. They're pretty few and far between, especially since Ezy got himself all married off. ;)
by Jen at July 14, 2004 3:11 PM
And Linz got one of the last lookers. ;)
by Jen at July 14, 2004 3:11 PM
Thank you Jen ;-) There's always our devious little plan *wink*
by Ezy at July 14, 2004 6:15 PM
Jean, now that you've said that about the mixed CD I can't wait until I get it. I just got the CD from Cap J, but haven't gotten yours yet.
Jen, I hope this works out for you, and too bad that I'm not considered one of the "worthwhile ones"
by chuckwoolery at July 14, 2004 7:46 PM
Sorry Chuck, I wasn't thinking. Of course you are, and you've got an adorable puppy, too. :)
by Jen at July 15, 2004 7:22 AM
He's getting big too, over 40 lbs now and still growing fast. On track to be a 80 to 100 lb dog...
by chuckwoolery at July 15, 2004 10:56 AM
My lab is a freak. She's 110lbs. When I got her she rode all the way home on my lap. She still thinks she's a lap dog. My lap isn't big enough anymore.
by Ezy at July 15, 2004 11:10 AM
I'll trade you for my 8-month old demon spawn kitten. She thinks I'm a moving chew toy.
by Jen at July 16, 2004 7:20 AM
Ezy probably knows the 9:30 Club here. But what he doesn't know is that its owner has a 40 pound mutt named Critter. He'll leave Critter here for weeks, during which time he leaps onto my lap at every opportunity. I guess dogs never get a chance to see themselves in mirrors. Their self-image is entirely subjective.
by anna at July 16, 2004 7:43 AM
You're right Anna. As well as I know the 9:30, I didn't know that. Soooooo can you get me tickets next time a good show sells out?
by Ezy at July 17, 2004 8:56 AM