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You’ve been replaced — sort of
by blank at 12:51 AM on June 07, 2004
I’ve noticed, with me, that when my real-life gets some social exercise my online one starts to atrophy. I’m starting to get a life and I like it more than I like sitting in front of the computer. Change is good, but it’s not like I want to ditch my online persona, so I’ve decided to work at both.
The past few weeks, I’ve been busy catching up. I am now a URL DJ, my personal site is almost gold and, of course, I’ll still be posting here. This stuff takes up time, time that I usually spend at work (Don’t tell my boss.), but I’ve been spending a lot of it at home too with the risk of Nat (That one girl I posted about before.) stumbling into it.
This is causing a dilemma for me that I think several folks here have had to deal with. I don’t know if I’m ready to share my online personality with her yet. Is there a good way to approach this, especially if I’ve posted things about her specifically? Is it okay to keep a piece of me secret, or is it selfish? I want to share what I work on but I also want to have a place where I can talk without having to worry about it coming back to haunt me.
I may not have to decide anything. She’s pretty bright. If she ever looked at my links-bar in Firefox, when she checks her web-mail on my computer, she would have seen all the “MrBlank” links and put two and two together.
comments (9)
All I can say is that I caught hell from my wife about a post about some chick at work. I then resolved that nothing I write here is going to impact my real life one way or the other. Priorities, you know.
Well, all our hairbrushes are in her car so I have to stop @ 7-11 and buy one.
by anna at June 7, 2004 7:51 AM
I told Sean I write on a website, and he knows Ezy & I are getting a beer Wednesday, but he doesn't know the website address, and hasn't pushed for it. I told him, it's like a diary, but strangers comment on it, and sometimes we become friends. Sean didn't care that I put a few pics of him on here "as long as they're good ones." Yuppie Boy also knew I wrote about him on a website but didn't make me divulge it. I think it's good to compare it to a diary, because only really snoopy types are going to read a diary.
I think you definitely should tell her you do this, and if she insists on getting the address, tell it to her. Your post about her was sweet. But I don't think she'd insist. Especially if you use the diary comparison.
Your site looks good. Love the drawing of you + wings & the dark/light contrast. Lovely.
by Linz at June 7, 2004 9:08 AM
You might need two online personalities. One that's shareable with people of your choosing, and one that goes un-mentioned. Otherwise you'll always be struggling with self-inhibition for fear of alienating those who think they know you well enough that you'd never say or think something unsavory to them. On the other hand, if you're speaking 'your truth'
By un-mentioned, I mean just that. Something you participate in, but don't necessarily need to talk about to people - even loved ones. (for instance people don't usually have to talk to each other about writing in their diaries - because it's accepted as a personal activity). However, I think this presumes a kind of maturity whereby you realize that you don't need to know everything your spouse or s/o does - as long as you trust each other not to do things to the detriment of the other person. (this is something that occured to me after following the lives of paired intellectuals, e.g. Sartre and De Beauvoir, and realizing that they undergo so much separate interaction with others and intellectual activity that there's no way they could sync up on a regular basis, and yet they still have a rich and meaningful relationship, based on trust, i.e. their lives are too full to always know what the other is doing, but it doesn't matter).
If you do mention it to someone, and they call you on the carpet for things you've written, be prepared for one of those long drawn out, uncomfortable discussions, where you discuss the details of anonymous thoughts and feelings, and how the rules for sharing information are different for different mediums (in a group, between lovers, between friends, in semi-anonymous forums). It's a tough subject. Any good novel has fallout (why?!), yet we need good novels. I've asked writers how do they write about their lives and reveal details, and not piss everyone off. Answer: Writers have no friends. Yet we all need to know and express, just not from people we know. This whole subject drives me crazy.
by chris at June 7, 2004 4:39 PM
Chris! Simply amazing. I can't comment after you.
by anna at June 7, 2004 5:51 PM
Gee thanks Anna :)
One strategy I didn't mention, but that I find inspiring is to simply damn the torpedoes and let it all hang out with a kind of confidence that it either doesn't matter or works itself out. Justin Hall has been doing this for almost 10 years (www.links.net). He doesn't apear to hold much back, and has grappled with consequences a few times (getting fired from CNET after southern Baptists complained about a nude picture of him on his website), but he just keeps on going. He's an institution unto himself (aka an original and popular web and technology evangelist, among other things).
by chris at June 8, 2004 11:24 AM
As someone who has revealed most of my life for nearly 4 years, and who has most of the people he knows in "real-life" aware of his online existence, I can honestly say that there is no way to live peacefully. Which is one explanation for why I'm not as forethcoming here as I once was. That and I might want to run for president one day.
by mg at June 8, 2004 1:44 PM
Thanks for the comments. I think I've decided that because I am putting stuff it in a public place, I have to deal with the fallout. If I don't want to deal with it, then I should write it elsewhere.
by MrBlank at June 8, 2004 10:39 PM
Good for you, Blank! I hope Nat understands.
Linz, I think the diary analogy is excellent. There is such a thing as too much truth between two people. I don't tell my family or friends that I write here, nor do I tell them my Slashdot or Metafilter usernames, or the address of my blog. I want to retain the option of writing outrageous things without regard to consequences.
by jean at June 9, 2004 3:22 AM
Have y'all seen Dr. Phil's dysfunctional family? What a hoot. The daughters and mom hate the dad cuz he had an affair in the past and he's a dick. So he runs across the girl at a gas station and exchanges mundane pleasantries, not spit or other bodily fluids. He doesn't mention the chance encounter to wifey-poo and Phil takes him to task big-time for "lies of omission." Which I guess says something about the new Rules of Full Disclosure. What BS.
by anna at June 9, 2004 6:56 PM