Them shapes in the bed are a senator and a CEO. Who's on top, wouldn't we like to know?

by anna at 06:32 PM on April 05, 2004

Problem with political speech is that it varies too much. This causes people to listen to it or worse, to analyze it. This in turn squanders valuable time better spent watching According to Jim. To solve this I have devised a standardized format for candidates to use going forward.

Good evening my fellow (insert constituency.) Tonight we'll be discussing the scourge/blight of (insert supposed threat, crisis or epidemic. Choose from Big Terror, sundry maladies, indecency, urban sprawl or any other ill-defined difficulty that people irrationally fear.) Employ Straw Man tactic. Belittle rivals' hand-wringing over the dearth of workable strategies to combat the illusory problem. Dismiss their arguments out of hand. Present your own lame approach in the best light possible.

Make Sweeping Generalizations. Sprinkle with a dash of Bandwagon. Use phrases like "There is no longer any meaningful debate about" or "Experts agree" or "The time has come."

Reduce a complex, thorny issue to the personal level. If possible, demonize one individual villain like Osama, Saddam or Ryan Seacrest-out.

Take note of caveats for future backpedaling. Leave yourself wiggle room in case some ninny actually checks your facts. If you're talking about fanatic Muslims' propensity for random violence, be sure to add that overall, Islam is a peaceable faith. If you're trying to deny gays the right to marry, add that you deeply respect persons of all lifestyles.

Declare that you're perfectly willing to debate your opponent on a wide array of topics so long as it's limited to his former career in the kiddy porn industry.

Next turn to something vague and nebulous that just about everyone favors, such as motherhood, a robust economy or less behind bars lovin'. Speed up your cadence as you rattle off a bunch of skewed statistics to support your viewpoint. Refer to a colorful chart. It doesn't matter what it's purported to show.

Concede some meaningless points. In the passive voice, acknowledge some shortcomings. (Wrong: I really blew it this time. I accept full responsibility. Right: It's conceivable that mistakes were made.) Here it's useful to lapse into the Royal We: "This administration..."

Introduce Special Guests of varying ethnicity. Trot out a charming anecdote about how one overcame tremendous adversity to pull herself up by her boot straps. Again, it doesn't matter if it's true.

Make Grandiose Claims. Assert that intractable problems can be solved with a little creativity and accounting sleight-of-hand: "Some still insist that the government needs to live within its means like you fine folks. But this simply isn't true in today's global economy. With economies of scale and certain assumptions,..."

NOTE: Unless you want to turn your audience into a moribund bunch of Ted Williamses hanging from meat hooks in a freezer, steer clear of campaign finance reform, stem cell research or telecommunication minutia. Above all, make no mention of the fact that for every dollar lavished upon the elderly that is one less for the young. Old folks vote in droves. Youngsters are too busy boffing one another to bother.

Close with the Big Lie followed by some vaguely religious platitude and a reference to support for our troops. Voters love that kind of thing.

If all candidates adhere to this formula maybe we'll make it through this election year with some semblance of sanity left. That is, unlesss you happen to reside in one of the 17 "swing states" not solidly red or blue. You guys are screwed. So sorry.