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anna

and we danced the mississippi at a alpha kappa dance, it wasn't me

by anna at 06:53 PM on April 20, 2004

Once I met a girl at a party. We hit it off a little so she suggested we go back to my house for beverages. Against all better judgment I agreed. Her name was Diane. I poured two glasses of wine and settled in on the couch. She said she'd forgotten something in the car. I wondered what it was.

Minutes passed and she hadn't returned. I wander outside and she's gone. More disturbing still, so is my car! This isn't good. But I'm thinking it's late and she probably had an errand to run. Surely the car will be back by morning.

Wrong. Morning comes, no car. I'm too embarassed to call the cops so I call my ever resourceful dad instead. He says, "No biggie. What's her name? We'll just look up the address and go over there and confront that bitch." Except all I knew was Diane. We'd gone to high school together so I pull out old yearbooks. Alas, not a trace of the mystery girl. I start quizzing my friends to see if maybe they know her whereabouts.

Nobody seems to know anything about her. Nonetheless Matt takes out his guitar and begins to strum the chords to an old John Mellencamp song. This is a little ditty about Anna and Diane. Anna's gonna be an insurance star. Diane's just some hosebag who stole Anna's car, he sang. Everyone but me got a huge kick out of that.

My dad and I eventually hunt the thief down. We bang on the apartment door and are greeted by her bleary looking mom, dressed in a shabby bathrobe and reeking of stale smoke and alcohol at midday. She invites us into this filthy hovel strewn with empty liquor bottles and bare matresses. On one lay Diane and some dead cockroaches. I wake her ass up and she searches groggily for my keys, which she fishes out from under an old pizza box. She says the car's at her boyfriend's house but it isn't. We proceed to the impound lot. Dad forks over $160 and there's my car, with its windows open and half full of rainwater. Dad's less than thrilled.

You know how sometimes your instincts tell you not to do something that is seemingly innocuous, but your rationale mind overrules them? It always turns out disastrous. Take dancing.

Years pass. I get married. My wife and I go to a Halloween party. Lo and behold there's a drunken Diane. She is wearing this skimpy squaw getup festooned with feathers and fringed buckskin. The fact that she really is an Indian completes the effect. So I'm sitting there drinking with my 6 months pregnant wife who is stone cold sober. Diane approaches me and asks me to dance, as if she'd never stolen my car (or didn't recall.)

We dance to AC/DC. It's like a scene out of Saturday Night Fever where everyone clears the dancefloor to watch a pair. Not because of my awkward, white-guy shuffle, mind you, but the bump n' grind spectacle she was making of herself. The song ends and a slow number comes on. Before I could escape she nestles herself against me. I hold her in that same ginger way my boss held the Cat Woman. (Peruse my archives under "staff" if you're interested, the link didn't work.) Out of nowhere she leans forward and kisses me full-on, cramming her fleshy tongue in my mouth. I peer over her shoulder and see my wife glaring a hole right through me. I extricate myself and chase after Nan to no avail. She's already hopped in a cab. I check my pockets to ensure that Diane didn't snag my keys again.

I go back inside and she's already pulling the same number on the host, a guy who's married to a very close friend of ours. She eventually ruined their marriage. I was a little more fortunate although I did have to fly up to New York to grovel to my wife. I've never seen someone so angry, hurt and mistrustful all at once. We drove home to Virginia in abject silence. It took time but I was able to mend our relationship.

Seems to me that some people in your life are simply bad news, like curses, and not just our stalkers and psycho exes either. Sometimes it's just random people you meet. Am I all alone or has anyone else endured a similar nightmarish scenario with these misery-mongers?

comments (18)

ahhh, yes. i had at least one such she-friend. get a couple of drinks in her, and her eyes turn into laser beams. eventually a shot rings out, and someone's taking her home. she's in a depressing marriage now with a child and approximately 500 virgin scalps on her belt. i saw a picture of her with her baby recently and this cold, hollow sadness came over me.

to switch subjects, it's nice to see that a search for the word staff would turn up a story about an office woman that made yours sweat. heh heh.

by lajoie at April 20, 2004 9:34 PM


Dead cockroaches, huh? Man. The image of that scene is going to be in my mind for a long time. It's sad that Diane ruined a marriage, but doesn't it take two to tango? I'm sure she didn't do it just with a cackle and a wave of her wicked-witch wand...

by jean at April 21, 2004 2:02 AM


What, Lajo, you missed that one? Others didn't.

Jean, I am sorry. But the weirdest part of that scene was having my tycoon dad there in all that squalor. That and the fact that said scorned wife later moved into my mom's house and stashed teddies and other naughty items under the guest bed. She had no boyfriend so one must wonder what they were there for.

by anna at April 21, 2004 7:53 AM


I have had very similar situations happen back in the day. I was quite the whore so I brought most of it on myself. One party I was at, with my then current girlfriend, was quite the nightmare. I was having a great time with my girl then looked around the room. There were at least five other girls there I had slept with and they looked quite pissed that I was with someone else. Cheerleaders can be quite cliquey about men they share. My girl was from another school also. Another strike in cheerleader's minds I guess. All reason told me to get the hell out of there but some friends showed up and I ended up staying. Later into the night the cheerleaders, who were quite drunk by then, decided to come on to me one by one. They would come up to me and say how fun it was the other night and such, rub my chest and other forms of nastiness. I wanted to go but my girlfriend wanted an explaination right there, right then. While I was trying to explain myself the cheerleaders kept coming. I finally extracted both of us from the situation but we broke up that night. My girl called me a no good whore, when I got her home, and never looked at me again. She was right.

by Ezy at April 21, 2004 11:16 AM


I can't say I've had anything like that happen to me but if bitch came on to me, then stole my car I'd probably knock the fuck outta her when I found her, especialy if she told me the car was at her boyfriend's. And then I had to pay $160 to get it out of an impound only to find some dipshit left the windows down and it got rained in. Somebody would be get'n their ass beaten.

by Jerry at April 21, 2004 3:43 PM


Aww, Ezy. That sucks. I mean, hopefully you hadn't slept with the cheerleaders while you were with the girlfriend. Evil cheerleaders. No cheer in them at all.

Anna, if you mentioned this before I must have forgotten, but your dad was a tycoon? How so? Does Anna's Dad=Donald Trump?

by jean at April 21, 2004 4:56 PM


Ezy that's some funny shit. You don't strike me as the cheerleaders' type. Then again, come to think if it, neither do I. But they did seem to like me a little. Back in the day, that is.

Jerry, that actually is the closest I've ever come to physical violence with a female. But she was a rubust girl who'd have probbly won the fight.

by anna at April 21, 2004 6:20 PM


Jerry, you are a very angry young man aren't you?

I was a cheerleader in 8th grade... then I turned into a cigarette/pot smoking degenerate. I'm with Jean. A solid marriage is not ruinable; your friend must have had other issues that made his easy to knock down.

Not that the woman doesn't sound evil.

by Linz at April 22, 2004 10:59 AM


Actaully, I'm a pretty easy go'n guy but if someone were to do something that shitty I'd be pretty angry. Infact, there's a guy that might be say'n I'm a snitch and thats just something you don't say. I'm probably gonna have to knock his fuck'n teeth down his throat. Some of you might say violence only beggets more violence but... I don't know, thats how it is I guess. I'd like to hear yall's opinions on the subject. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime. : )

by Jerry at April 22, 2004 1:49 PM


Jean and Anna, it sucked pretty hard and I wasn't with the girlfriend while sleeping with the cheerleaders. Not that it was above me at the time, mind you, but the opportunity just hadn't come up yet. I'm not really the cheerleader type at all but did play sports and was a very horny young chap.

by Ezy at April 22, 2004 2:21 PM


I gotta say, this Jerry is a very intriguing guy. I hope you stick around and comment some more.

Maybe I'll post about my lifelong stalker and see what you think of her.

by anna at April 22, 2004 6:30 PM


I can't wait to hear a stalker story.

by Jerry at April 23, 2004 2:01 PM


"I don't know, thats how it is I guess."

Nah, Jerry, I don't think that is sound enough reason to knock someone's teeth down his throat. I also think hitting him just proves his opinion matters to you and that your wittle feelings are hurt. Who gives a shit what he says?

by Linz at April 23, 2004 2:47 PM


Well, maybe just one tooth. Like an inconsequential incisor or something.

by anna at April 23, 2004 6:36 PM


Or consider the fact that in some lines of work, it's actually a liability to have all your front teeth.

Like a hooker or maybe a cabdriver,

by lajoie at April 23, 2004 9:05 PM


Well it that case knock'n out their teeth would be help'n them more then ignoring them. Where u would show them u didn't give a fuck about their opinion and ignore them I'd show I didn't give a fuck about them by hitting them in the face. You do what makes u feel good and I'll do what makes me feel good.

by Jerry at April 26, 2004 3:11 PM


Hey now!

by anna at April 27, 2004 7:47 AM


Linz, his opinion would be of no importance be'n that in this stpry the man didn't have an opinion that was upsetting he had another person's car. There for your remark had no relevance to what I said. And maybe you would ignore the person because you were afraid to do anything about it.

by Jerry at April 29, 2004 1:45 PM