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whatever / letters i've written, never meaning to send
by lizard at 07:41 PM on January 04, 2004
in the inimitable words of my daughter, "you should just be all, whatever". and she is, as usual, absolutely right.
and 'whatever' was indeed my first response, although it came with some rather judgemental thoughts tacked on, words that ran though a few uglinesses at first and settled into the least judgemental phrases i could manage, since unconditional nonjudgemental is a personal goal of mine, it's the person i want to be, although i am a realistic individual and understand there is no such thing as unconditional.
there are always conditions.
i can tell you i will accept you no matter what, but what i mean when i say that is 'i will accept anything about you that i have a reasonable expectation of finding'. it is an expression of trust, really: i am saying that i do not expect to find any deal-breakers, that i won't discover you are a serial killer or a child pornographer or a person who drowns sacks of kittens for sport. i am saying that i believe you are the kind of person who may have any number of strange or difficult issues, just none that i can't handle, and having said that, i will endeavor to handle whatever.
and if you tell me the same thing, i will have some expectations, even though expectations are their own sort of conditions. i will hold you to a similar standard as the one i hold myself to as regards unconditional acceptance, that is, i will expect you to handle more than you expected to find, as long as none of the things are deal-breakers. and before this acceptance is put to the test i will do my best to offer full disclosure, everything you need to know to put together a picture of what it is you are saying you will accept, before expecting you to do so.
what becomes difficult then, is when i run up against my expectations of acceptance and find i'm disappointed. i will run through words like 'wussie' because that is one of my most scathing criticisms (expressed in spiteful childish terms for maximum ... whatever)
i will accept all manner of whatever from you but i expect a certain level of resilience and flexibility from you in return. so the best i can do in a case where i sense wussiness is to settle on 'so you bailed. whatever.'
and then i can and will slip back into my traditional self-deprecating analytical mode and go back over everything i did and said to figure out where i fucked up, what i did to make you bail. if i find it, then i can accept the bailing as the inevitable outcome of our interactions and place the disappointment and blame where it feels most comfortable, squarely upon myself.
whatever.
comments (9)
Aw, don't be so hard on yourself Liz. Some people are just not fit for going out with. Granted our actions do affect others, but we're not responsible for those effects if we're talking about adults. If it doesn't work out, try not to be too hard on yourself. There will be other people and chances later.
by jean at January 4, 2004 10:11 PM
Yeah there are always conditions. I saw Donald Rumsfeld on TV going on about democracy in Iraq. A report asked him what would happen if a fair election yielded the Taliban. He's like, there's no way we would allow that to happen.
by anna at January 5, 2004 7:46 AM
this is my favorite rumsfeld quote (it's got this awesome zen feel to it:)
so like, you know, & you don't know, you know?
by lizard at January 5, 2004 11:12 AM
Liz, if this is what i think its about, then heed me. if not, just think im a nipple, and get on with it, ok?
Whatever we see, we believe. Its human nature. people put forth masks, and we cannot see beneath them. It sucks, i know, (Boy, do i know! im probably the most gullible man in the world) but you can only carry on. Its not your fault. So you got sucked in. So, you believed. If you didnt, you would be a lonely cynic. Who wants to be that?
So, shouder the burden, cast off the blame onto someone else, and carry on. As a good friend of mine said: 'such is life.' Its a good lesson to learn, and its NOT fucking easy. But remember to smile, yeah?
Later, dude.
by Jun at January 5, 2004 3:31 PM
i wouldn't say sucked in so much as disappointed, i do believe there's a difference there although it may be just semantics then again isn't everything? ok no or maybe yes what do i know? i know i don't know, at least there's no illusion there. delusions now ...
i have always cherished my delusions i see no reason to stop now. well no yes i do but so what? it's not like i'll actually stop & if i did no matter how healthy that might seem it would be quite the opposite. i assure you.
by lizard at January 5, 2004 3:42 PM
oh & one more thingy: i do appreciate all the "it's not your fault" however i must quote one of my favorite demotivators:
"The only consistent feature to all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."
that would be me, you know. & it would be my only real consistency, more or less.
by lizard at January 5, 2004 3:45 PM
As Lou Reed put it in Heroin, "And I guess I just don't know." And it's good to admit you don't know, unknown or known.
by anna at January 5, 2004 5:57 PM
Here's something that shocked me, to say the least: I was talking to this guy at a mutual friend's get-together and he told me about how recently his girlfriend had kissed his best friend. Apparently he was still on good terms with his friend while he was seriously thinking about giving his gf the boot. When I asked him why he wasn't more upset at his best friend, his answer was this: "He's gringo, his culture is different. In his culture these things aren't as big a deal as it is in the latino culture; she should have known better."
Huh? Excuse me? Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?? If you as me it doesn't matter whether you are Latino, Gringo, British or what-have-you, what they both did was dishonest.
by Lucy at January 7, 2004 3:25 AM
I do agree we have to take cultural factors into account on people's actions, but yeah, I think your friend has an overly optimistic view of gringo culture.
Liz... that's really harsh! Sure, it's true, but think of all your good relationships: with your daughter, your friends, whichever of your family you get along with, us. The only consistent factor of your satisfying relationships is also you. The world presents us very ambiguous information and it's equally possible to look at things in a way that will discourage you or encourage you. You just have to pick which way you're going to go, and, in the case of encouragement, try your best not to look back.
by jean at January 7, 2004 4:56 AM