« The stillness of remembering what you had | Main | Subtle Flava »
What you don't know you can feel somehow!
by anna at 06:51 PM on January 14, 2004
I just finished reading Have You Seen Me? It's a mindless tale of this girl who gets seduced by her dad's pal and contracts a mean case of Hep A. Thus begins a downward spiral into stripping, drugs, prostitution and kinky porn shoots. While it may sound sexy on paper, the detached way she relates the story borders on clinical.
The club where she works fires her after a patron complains that she infected him with the dread disease (as if he played no role in the transmission.) A former dancer invites her to join this commune up in the hills. She bonds with her housemates, particularly one named John. He bangs her but won't sleep with her, claiming it would be hypocritical. He turns out to be an FBI snoop investigating the eco-terrorists who make up the rest of the group. She mulls a return to the wild life but her love for John prevails. As Fabio used to say, that's ni-i-i-ce.
This is the sort of escapist fare I've come to relish. I used to slog through such weighty tomes as Pat Buchanan's scary Death of the West, but no more. I no longer have any use for Serious Screeds with all their cumbersome footnotes, indexes and analysis. Give me a breezy novel over that any day.
I'm real picky when it comes to fiction. Hardbacks are too expensive. I don't like anything that isn't set in these times. But most of all, I don't go in for used books. Reading a used book is like being a Muslim who commits an act of martyrdom only to be presented with 72 whores instead of vestal virgins. Yes, to me nothing compares with the crisp pages of a new book; except maybe clean ***** hotel sheets. Certainly online books will never be able to duplicate that.
Though I'm not one of those leisurely people you see with their noses buried in books at Starbucks. First off, I could never relax enough to do that. Plus, I don't read that much. But when I do, it's with a vengeance. I pick up a book and devour it like a hyena. I could plow through War and Peace in a weekend if it were set in 2004. (Maybe Tolstoy could retitle it War Forever.) Never mind that I'd probably miss the entire point.
Speaking of pointless matters, I had an odd experience while stuck in traffic. The Howard Stern Show was on. Ever determined to skirt FCC rules, Howard was playing this cheesy tape of a chick simulating sexual sounds and ultimately an earth-shattering, Meg Ryanesque orgasm. As she cooed, "Oh baby, you got it all over my neck," I happened to glance at the car next to mine. Therein was a girl laughing hysterically. I knew why. Our eyes met ever so briefly. We both knew what the other was listening to in our little private Idahos. Talk about an uncomfortable moment. Thank god the light changed.
Or at least I thought what I heard was laughter. Then again, her hands were nowhere in sight. Interesting fact: At the haircut place I read an old issue of Glamour. I learned that 45% of guys responded that they'd masturbated while driving. Think about that next time you're stuck in traffic.
comments (16)
War Forever... beautiful!
I read romance novels... they are great fun. And the male characters are unfailingly hot.
by jean at January 15, 2004 12:04 AM
I love used books. I love Plato's Dialogues, Henry Miller's Paris, Iris Murdoch's 70s, and Steven Levy's modern times. Reading used books is like being a Muslim who commits an act of martyrdom and is presented with 72 nice, experienced, mature, interesting whores who know how to satisfy and be satisfied (whores have needs too). Whereas reading new books is like being faced with 72 virgins with their lack of experience, and all the pain, tears, and awkwardness that comes from having no experience with their sweet spot. An old book is comfortable. A new book has stiff pages that are afraid to bend.
by chris at January 15, 2004 1:57 AM
Well, two things. Those enemy combatants you hear about will be released once the war on terror is concluded i.e. never. Hence: War Forever. And Chris, that's a pretty deft analogy. I wonder what that Hamas female suicide bomber could expect to encounter: Fumbling teenage boys who get off after two strokes?
by anna at January 15, 2004 7:56 AM
I wonder what percentage of women have masturbated while driving.
by Linz at January 15, 2004 10:12 AM
… or have given driving-head.
by MrBlank at January 15, 2004 10:25 AM
I'm sure driving-head stats are higher... for some reason it is less shameful. I personally think both activities rock.
by Linz at January 15, 2004 11:43 AM
I doubt such stats exist but we could get a good idea right here at Bad Sam. If you read this, simply respond either A I have either given or received road-head (including those quicky "samples of what you'll get later.") or B You haven't.
by anna at January 15, 2004 5:47 PM
Forgot to weigh in myself. Yes I have (the quicky samples, that is.)
by anna at January 15, 2004 6:17 PM
A - received
as a hetero male, i'd say that giving would be tough, but i'm game for anything that gets my ears torn off by a steering whel.
by lajo at January 15, 2004 7:06 PM
Road head? I wish I could get regular head.
by MrBlank at January 16, 2004 1:09 AM
Erm, B. I would be wildly upset if I were presented with 70 virgin boys upon crossing into the afterlife. I might even wonder if I were in hell and not heaven.
by jean at January 16, 2004 2:34 AM
It's not hard to see why. I'd estimate the duration of all my teenage encounters combined at ten minutes tops.
As for the road-head thing, it really doesn't count unless you get the knowing thumbs-up from a trucker.
by anna at January 16, 2004 7:50 AM
one of mine was in a snowstorn, does that count? it added an extra "blanket of secrecy" to a heightened sense of danger due to horrible road conditions. an interesting trade-off.
also anna, please don't discount the sense of validity one feels when 'soccer mom' looks over from her mini-van/SUV and see's something that she's been missing for years.
by lajo at January 16, 2004 2:21 PM
getting road head rocks! i've never helped myself while driving, but i've seen others doing it. that and drinking beers and/or toking bowls...this one dude had a full on bong sitting between his knees, one hand on the wheel and one on the lighter, head down with eyes up to see where he was going....luckily we were stuck in traffic so i could get out of my car and walk over to request a hit...
by JC at January 16, 2004 2:24 PM
and i agree w/ lajo - it's priceless when older women look over and see you getting your knob bobbed. especially when it compels them to flick the bean while watching...i told my then girlfriend and she got a kick out of it, and had to adjust her angle so the other woman could get a better view of the goings on.
by JC at January 16, 2004 2:29 PM
Yeah the soccer mom would play. And no offense JC, but I must say I am glad your pic isn't here so I don't have to picture that as I must MG with his hand frozen to his junk.
by anna at January 16, 2004 6:39 PM