The past has passed I can never go back

by ezy at 12:42 PM on January 27, 2004

I cleaned my room, at my Dad’s house, two weekends ago. Taking into account my lack of house and all of my travels, Dad let me use it as storage. Over the past five years or so I would open boxes, to see what was inside, and usually find something I had forgotten about. I’ve never been too great at putting things back so, over the course of a few years, my room came to resemble Fred Sanford’s front yard. Did I happen to mention I’m a world class procrastinator? Well, if I didn’t, I am. I digress though. I went through every box and stitch of clothing in the place and came away with two bags of clothes, for the Veteran’s Clothing March, and five bags of old bills and other miscellaneous documents. I also threw away every shred of evidence that Stephanie was ever a part of my life. Let me tell you, it felt damned satisfying. Amy even helped. That’s my girl. I found a paper I had written for a college composition class when I was nineteen. It is amazing what a nineteen year old man will come up to facilitate getting laid. I completely wrote out what must have been my technique for getting past parents and getting them to relax the rules a bit. Did it help? I really can’t remember if the technique was sound, or not, but parents did seem to, usually, love me. My professor didn't give me very high marks for this paper though. He had a daughter who had just reached dating age. Sue me, I didn't know. Below is that paper for your enjoyment or ridicule. Bon Appetit.

How to not make a bad impression on your date’s parents.

Dating can be tricky business and impressing parents without sounding like a self centered idiot more so. Making a bad impression on your date’s parents can be an extremely easy or ridiculously hard task depending on the personality traits of the parents. Parents, usually, fall into two main categories: ones who believe anything you tell them and others who are suspicious of everything they hear. Some parents do fall between these groups but are a rare breed indeed. This paper will be dealing with parents who will believe anything they hear.

The parents who believe anything are usually the easiest to impress and therefore ensure further dates with their daughter. You should start with some compliments, for the Mother, on how nice the décor of the house looks. Mothers are usually the sole decorators of the main rooms and kitchens of a house with the Father being limited to small spaces called dens or living rooms. If this goes well you could also throw in a compliment on how young or nice she looks but have to be careful not to over-step your bounds. You’ll just have to process how the first compliment was taken and make a quick judgment call on how far to take this. If the mother laughs, in a genuine way, after the first compliment and returns one in kind you’re probably safe to move on. You’ll have to be wary though not to seem too interested in the Mother or you’ll endanger your chances with her daughter.

The Father comes next and will, probably, be very protective of his daughter. You can make this transition smoothly by doing a little homework. Before the night of the date, try to find out some useful things about him. Daughters, more often than not, like to talk about their Fathers and can provide invaluable information. Find out what his hobbies and likes are. Does be watch baseball, football, hockey or does he loathe sports altogether. This information can help to reduce the chances of starting a conversation on a topic he either knows nothing about or finds ridiculous. If he is a sports fan and you can find out his favorite team you can score points by having some knowledge of them. You don’t have to say it’s your favorite team also but you can show respect for them. Since he likes the team and you respect them he will automatically, pride is involved here, think you have some intelligence. This will make him feel more secure in letting his daughter go out with you.

Don’t let the first meeting go on too long though, if you can help it. To disengage you can, respectfully, remind your date that you have to be at a certain place at a designated time and apologize to the parents. You’ll also want to add how nice it was to meet them and that you’re looking forward to talking with them again. Following this formula can result in many happy dates and increased relaxation of parental rules and regulations.