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anna

My mother said she saw him in Chinatown, but you can't always trust your mother

by anna at 09:31 AM on January 27, 2004

Duly elected Iraqi president Saddam Hussein issued another ultimatum, insisting that embattled American dictator George W. Bush hand over his weapons o’ mass destruction by sundown. He also insisted that his longtime nemesis leave his country and go into exile in Rwanda. Failure to comply with these non-negotiable demands will lead to dire consequences for the Bush regime, he added in a well-received speech before the UN General Assembly. For good measure, he branded axis of evil members America, Britain and Australia as sworn enemies of Islam.

As the sun sunk into the Pacific horizon, Iraqi forces massed in eastern Siberia, poised to rampage into Alaska with guns a-blazing. A flotilla of Iraqi battleships sailed toward the LA harbor. Iraqi marines landed in New York and Seattle. The much-vaunted American military juggernaut proved no match for these crack Iraqi forces. 175,000 strong, they quickly overran the country. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft all fled into hiding. Hussein himself flew a MIG fighter onto the deck of an Iraqi aircraft carrier and declared victory. He also vowed to track down all American weapons o’ mass destruction, from ICBMs to germ warfare agents to stockpiles of mustard gas leftover from the War of 1812.

Even his traditional defenders and trading partners in France and Germany denounced the Iraqi invasion of the US as a blatant power-grab. An unfazed Hussein thumbed his nose at his former allies, telling Chirac and Shroeder to freedom-kiss his swarthy ass.

As Iraqi America came under the grips of this occupying army, Saddam produced a deck of cards with unflattering photos and names of the most-wanted fugitives from the toppled Bush regime. The person-hunt intensified as soldiers hauled a furtive-looking Colin Powell from a rundown safe house in Des Moines. Convinced that they’d run a super-secret security service when they weren’t busy partying or attending college, Hussein’s henchmen attempted to collar those evil Bush twins. In a trendy Houston bar, both were shot dead as they fished for mace in their purses. Their mangled bodies were proudly displayed on ABC, CBS and NBC, their private parts coyly blurred. Fox went with a rerun of Malcolm in the Middle.

One by one the fat-cat Bush cronies were rounded up. But W himself remained as elusive as a DVD copy of Gigli. Some said they’d seen him piloting a speedboat with his dad off the coast of Maine. Others thought they saw him alone at a Texas Rangers game. Meanwhile Iraqi forces crisscrossed the American heartland, kicking in doors in hot pursuit their prey. Months went by. An “interim governing council” i.e. puppet government was hastily established. While members promised a quick turnover of power to the beleaguered Americans, delays were encountered when it was discovered that the US lacked a working system of elections. Hussein aides found that rampant corruption and faulty voting machinery had resulted in Bush’s 2000 election. They pledged that the next election, tentatively scheduled for early 2005, would be a fair and honest affair---just as it was in the homeland circa 2002, when Hussein won in a landslide. Defense Secretary Baghdad Bob indicated that whichever sort of leadership the voters chose would rule, so long as it bore no resemblance to the discredited Bush administration.

After what seemed like the longest of times, Bob turned up beaming on the new state-run TV station to announce, “We’ve got him.” He rolled grainy footage of a sheepish, scruffy-looking Bush being plucked from an oil barge off the coast of Galveston, Texas; a hotbed of loyalty to the ousted tyrant and home to some of the fiercest American insurgents. Doctors poked and prodded him, checking for head lice and concealed weapons. It was clear from the look on their faces that he smelled repugnant. Diehard skeptics scoffed that it was either one of W’s surgically-altered doubles or Jeb Bush gone bearded.

In private conversations President Hussein and his top aides express dismay that certain elements of the American populace, notable those residing in the Jewish Triangle, have as yet failed to embrace his troops as a liberating force. But in public they’ve continued to put a happy face on the ongoing occupation. It’s just business as usual, they claim.

Yet, the good ol’ US of IA is indeed a very different place. Animal-drawn carts are a commonplace sight on city streets. Everyone drives a battered cab. Moustaches have grown quite popular and are no longer considered a sign of insincerity. The women’s fashion industry has disappeared from Manhattan and has gone back to Paris where it belongs. All local smoking bans have been lifted. Bazaars sell strange meat with flies crawling all over it. It smells as it looks. There are other day to day annoyances, such as when Iraqi soldiers will bulldoze your home with you still in it. The government runs everything, badly as with all state endeavor. Life under the occupation is like having your face shoved in a steamy pile of dogshit, only less pleasant. But whadaya gonna do?

comments (4)

I will be so grateful for my glorious freedom from tyranny!

by Linz at January 27, 2004 9:38 AM


When are the liberators supposed to be here? I have nothing to wear.

by Ezy at January 27, 2004 12:46 PM


You guys too funny. But seriously, isn't it strange how our government officials sometimes act puzzled about why these people don't all dance in the streets about having their country occupied by foreign troops for what appears to be years into the future?

by anna at January 27, 2004 2:29 PM


I believe that this occupation has to be one of the worst planned debacles I have witnessed in a while. I believe that the Iraqi people were more than ready to be liberated but the following plan and occupation is dragging quite a bit. Hell, there are still large parts of the country with no power or potable water. We've effectively made their quality of life worse in some senses than when Saddam was in power. Not too smart.

by Ezy at January 27, 2004 3:16 PM