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Everything you've ever thought of is everything I'll do to you
by anna at 06:32 PM on January 21, 2004
In this month’s (iffy for work) FHM magazine, “award-winning actress” (I swear it says that) Jenna Jameson appears in a photo spread wearing considerably more than she does in her movies. She also fields questions from readers, one of whom indicated that his gal pal had voiced her willingness to go for a threesome. He wanted to know about the etiquette involved. Ms. Jameson graciously sets forth the rules as follows: 1) She gets to pick the girl. 2) You don’t kiss the other girl. 3) The girlfriend gets your come. 4) Make sure she really wants to go through with it. Now, I find rule #4 ridiculous on its face. What guy would do that in real life? I mean, she brought it up or so he claims.
But the other three do raise a host of intriguing questions in my mind. Namely, with all those rules to follow, wouldn’t it leach all the zest out of it? You know, the way a litany of penalties and endless call challenges can ruin a perfectly good football game? Do those same rules apply if it’s two guys ’n a gal? Isn’t it a tad unfair to your invited guest to treat her as you would a common whore? What if your gal-pal picks a dog with oozing sores? What if she kisses you in the heat of passion? Would it make any difference vis-a-vis where you deposit your load if a condom were in use? Are these the real rules for a menage-a-trois or is she just making it all up? And what qualifies this Jameson to promulgate the rules in the first place?
In my humble opinion way too much sex advise gets dispensed these days. Each month, even such staid magazines as Redbook and Good Housekeeping share recycled “new” positions, techniques and alleged hot spots. We’re told how much more our sex lives will sizzle with Durex condoms. Self-appointed “sexperts” write books and go on and on on the radio to promote them. They’re always telling guys how important it is to satisfy their mates every time. Next thing you know they’ll be telling us not to fall asleep immediately afterwards.
I shudder to think how these kiss ’n tell tendencies must be perceived in less secular cultures. Surely it only reinforces their image of Americans as decadent, self-absorbed infidels interested only in earthly gratification. Which, come to think of it, many of us are. I know I sure am.
comments (15)
i know nothing of proper etiquettes. but this guy does. that's the only sex advise worth readin because it's funny and well written and touches the far reaches of the human sexual stratosphere. plus, the kind sir did sexually redefine the word "santorum" (named after the piggishly conservative senator) in order to be an offensive nuisance to him and spread it around the internet. now the word means something about a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter and how it's sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. i think it's like number three on a google search for his name.
again, i know nothing of etiquette.
by lajo at January 21, 2004 10:49 PM
That particular substance and the word "etiquette" should never appear in the same paragraph. Loved the link, Lajo..... Hubby's Ho.
by anna at January 22, 2004 8:00 AM
just noticed that t-shirt hell is carrying a bad sam shirt: (clicky) i say sue!
by JC at January 22, 2004 1:30 PM
Having almost lost a relationship over a threesome I can tell you those rules are pretty dead on. I do know that you need to give your partner a huge amount of attention during the whole process. I screwed up and gave equal attention (I know I know, I was nineteen for God's sake) to both parties and I didn't hear the end of it for well over a year. Things were never the same between us after that. My ex needed an almost ridiculous amount of attention, every day, after the deed was done. I'm a very affectionate person, by nature, but if I missed a new sweater or haircut I had to deal with a large amount of guilt. If I knew then what I know now I would've never gone through with it. Shit, it was her idea for us to get together with her college roommate not mine. As fun as it sounds the aftermath just isn't worth it.
Those thieving bastards. Sue them MG!!!!!
by Ezy at January 22, 2004 1:41 PM
yes. sue everyone.
i had an interesting phone conversation last night which reaffirmed my belief that while threesomes sound completely wonderful in almost every conceivable way that i could ever care to consider...they become fool's gold when feelings are involved. and in fact, once those feelings are involved, it doesn't even seem as appealing. to me, it realy only sounds great when i'm single. the hedonist ideal. but when i've had the conversation, and the issue came up in real life...my feelings changed.
by lajo at January 22, 2004 1:47 PM
When it all comes down to it, despite my adventurous contemplation on the topic, I think I would want Sean to watch me make out with a girl but I would not want him to have any contact with her whatsoever. In fact, in my heart of hearts, knowing my tendencies to irrational jealousy of girls in pink thongs, and of far-out-of-the-picture ex-girlfriends, it would be relationship suicide to consider a threesome.
The no kissing of the new girl rule... that seems unfair to her. But the girlfriend should get the orgasm, I think that is the point of rule 3. He can get revved up by the third party but the girlfriend should probably bring him home.
I think the minority of people with healthy sex lives have a social duty to dispense that advice on the fumbling majority... Anyone that's reading it is obviously looking for ways to improve. I mean, even those of us that kick ass in bed still have things to learn.
by Linz at January 22, 2004 4:34 PM
Ezy you dog.... Interesting how negative the response to something as innocuous as a threesome turned out....Here's my tale: Old GF cheating on me openly. Retaliate with threesome, upping the ante. She walks in, as I had planned. Big to-do ensues with her saying, and I quote, "At least I just did it with one at a time. You are one sick puppy." The girls seemed to agree. You know?
by anna at January 22, 2004 6:54 PM
anna for vice president of bad sam!
and maybe treasurer!
by lajo at January 22, 2004 9:25 PM
Aaay!
by howarddean at January 23, 2004 7:50 AM
"At least I just did it with one at a time. You are one sick puppy."
That's hot Anna. So it is ok to have multiple partners, just not at one time? Ok, that makes sense.
I think you've offended Mr. Dean, Lajo.
by Ezy at January 23, 2004 10:01 AM
I believe Mr. Dean was quoting himself from this piece of tape.
by mg at January 23, 2004 12:48 PM
That is some very disturbing audio MG. I can't believe that idiot. Who, in their right mind, is going to give that guy control of this country. Definitely not me. Doesn't he know that this is mainly about perception and personality at this point? That evil grimace bothers the bejesus out of me for some reason.
by Ezy at January 23, 2004 1:21 PM
this coming from perhaps the lefty-ist left-er on this here site....that throat curdling yelp released by one Howie Dean finally lost my vote for ever.
of course, as a registered green, who refuses to jump through the hoops required to re-register Democrat in time to vote in primaries in california...i have no vote. and that, as they say, is that.
people don't vote in crazy presidents. when your persona is a crazed angry guy, you're all done. so congrats to Dean, he took all the word-of-mouth momentum and staff saavy that had been building for months and shat it down a truck stop crapper.
and kerry's no joy ride either. a career politician, he's nearly bush's match in terms of susceptibility to being out and out bought off.
i have to say that edwards' persona and intelligence have been doing it for me lately. i may not agree with all of his issues, but if it comes down to a popularity contest, he's the "nice guy" bush purports to be, but with the ability to out think a dog.
and lately, if you read some of bush's quotes and newsclips, he's generally being an ass. has anyone else noticed this? he's shutting people up when they talk saying things like "so i won't answer you're question, but you will answer mine". still hoping for a kidnapping on that one.
by lajo at January 23, 2004 4:41 PM
Well, let's see. I've been kicked offline four times by AOL, it takes forever to sign back on and now the whole site is in italics on my screen. I can't get MG's MP-3 to play but I think I know what it is. Howard Dean must have something to do with this too.
by anna at January 23, 2004 7:01 PM
Yeah well he's even more evil than you think... behold!
by jean at January 25, 2004 5:49 AM