A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing

by anna at 10:01 AM on January 18, 2004

Asses Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell seems bright enough. The former Miss North Carolina still fills out an evening gown pretty well. How then did she wind up with her head so far up celebrity ass?
Someone had to fill the vacancy left by the departure of John Tesh.
I've grown awfully tired of that "Can you hear me now" fellow. What can be done about him?
Verizon is unveiling a new ad campaign in which unseen parties will fire automatic weapons at his feet and make him dance. It's expected to be wildly popular.
When Bill Clinton used to give speeches, I always envisioned that he had Monica wedged into the dais. Now, on the rare occasion when W speaks, I envision Dick Cheney behind him with his hand up his back, like a puppeteer. Which is worse?
Well, I wouldn't want Cheney's face that close to my ass.
What does W hope to find on Mars, Saddam's weapons o' mass destruction?
Either that or Cheney.
Behind door number one is Michael Jackson, with his bathrobe slightly parted. Behind door number two is a roiling snakepit. Where would you send your 13 year old son?
What's behind door number three?
Jackson is accused of having "consensual" sex with a 12 year dude. R. Kelly is accused of having "consensual" sex with a chick about the same age. Why is there so much more uproar over the Jackson case?
Girls grow up faster than boys.
Howard Dean's wife intends to continue practicing medicine after he's elected president? Will that work?
It should be fine so long as she doesn't bake a batch of cookies in a show of false femininity.
I sometimes feel as if Dean's talking down to me. Does this mean he's like, smart?
No it means you're stupid. Smart people are too busy talking down to others to feel that way. And they use words like "counterveiling" and "auspices."
NBC will put Frasier out to pasture after this season. Long overdue?
What was once Must See TV is now Must Flee TV. Maybe they should bring back Jerry Seinfeld to star in I Will Steal Your Wife.
How do you suppose Martha Stewart and Enron's Andy Fastow will fare in the rough 'n tumble milieu of prison?
I don't know but it sure is fun to think about it.
What ever became of Jazzy Jeff?
You know how sometimes you're driving along and you fish this huge booger out of your nostril and you aren't sure what to do with it?
Is there any point to this rambling, disjointed Q&A session?
No. If you want depth and insight, tune in to Asses Hollywood.