« I could feel the protection, possession and anger | Main | Drinking coke in a kitchen with a dog that doesn’t know its name »
the love in
by lizard at 03:14 AM on December 18, 2003
sorry i meant not to be such a skittery fly by night bad samaritan. shit happens. i'm not even all the way single yet. but i am in love.
oh my. remember this etc? well as you can imagine it ended badly except of course it didn't end, it did something badly but end was not what it did. at the time i felt it doing the end-but-not-ending thing i went around saying 'i have had my first & last loves', all the while not believing a word i was saying. and then, well then i came to believe. because i met this man in of all places a board called 'this is going to end badly'. and this man is everything i've ever and never thought to hope for, this is more than exquisite perfect and ... this is the first time, the absolute first time in my forty three years on this planet i have managed to be hard to get. not play -- i have never been able to play hard to get, never really played at all, i've always been easy, and it's always showed. i am not going to speculate on the beneficial effects my actual hard-to-getness had on these interactions, and afterall what are the chances my being a little mysterious, a little distant, a little unavailable made me more desirable? oh be quiet. look i'm just hot ok? had nothing to do with the ephemera of me. the thing is i really was numb, i really was emotionally unavailable, and ... he loves me. these facts are unrelated i assure you.
so now my so-called first and last love is as he was, my best friend. we love each other in that friends-who-can't-help-it-we-have-phonesex way, we tell each other every thing and i mean every. perfect trust. and that's it, it'll never go any further and we will not end up 'together' or whatever, we are just the best friends. this rocks, don't get me wrong. however i wouldn't have gotten over the never part without the following, the falling thing ...
yes. i am falling hard fast in love with someone i fear more than i've ever ever known. he loves me and i believe this, and i love him and this is all wonderful except this one point, where i am stalled in thought tonight, aroused blissed out scared shitless, this place where trust falters on fear of foolishness and life hangs in the balance, shaken, uncertain: the difference between love and in love.
he loves me i am falling in love with him now what?
comments (11)
What's the one point that's keeping you guys from getting together? Because it sounds like you should get together... Willa Cather once said "There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." It sounds like it's time :) Great to see you back, by the way.
by jean at December 18, 2003 5:48 AM
I'm 44, which I gues makes us the elder statespersons on this site. Of course that age gives you some perspective, maybe as they said in Spinal Tap at Elvis's grave, too damn much perspective. But you've got to go for this now. Who knows, it could turn out wonderful.
by anna at December 18, 2003 7:46 AM
Liz, good to have you back. Have you actually met this man or has it been limited to phone/online banter? I say to go forward. I had the same feelings when Stephanie and I didn't work out. I felt that I would never meet another woman who would live up to sixteen years of expectations then I met Amy who, effectively, eclipsed all of my expectations and hopes. Love works in mysterious ways.
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 9:08 AM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who is completely terrified at the prospect of being happy...
by Linz at December 18, 2003 12:38 PM
Let yourself be happy Linz. It's actually easier than fear. Easy for me to say huh?
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 12:50 PM
lovely, lovely, lovely!! Don't even question, fall into it...
by victoria at December 18, 2003 7:29 PM
by the way... are y'all listed on blogshares? I'd check but with bloody dial-up, it's a crapshoot getting anything there...
by victoria at December 18, 2003 7:31 PM
"Now what?"
I'd say that is the question that has fueled every story, myth, and love affair throughout all of history. If the answer were easy, we'd all be happy. I'm probably the last person in the world to be giving relationship advice, given my histories, but this is what I've learned - "Things work out for the best in the end." So, don't worry or be scared about the future, just go with it.
by mg at December 19, 2003 11:04 AM
item: i emailed him (i was a bit tipsy when i wrote this, y'know) & pointed him at this. it didn't fuck anything up. things have gotten soooooo much more ... so much more since.
updates will follow. i love you all, i have so much love.
by lizard at December 20, 2003 5:39 AM
Oh just let him go ahead and tap that ass and get it over with.
by Ch at December 21, 2003 11:01 PM
& soon, hopefully. friday maybe? holiday travel insanity permitting that is.
by lizard at December 21, 2003 11:09 PM