merry conspiracy theory corner

by mg at 12:54 PM on December 22, 2003

Since almost as long as decorations have shown up in stores and “Jingle Bells” has been piped constantly through mall stereos since September, people have decried the commercialization of Christmas. With only a couple more days until the big Day, I’ve already managed to watch all of the major holiday movies and TV specials, and I’d have to disagree with the whole commercialization thing. If anything, Christmas is really just communist propaganda.

Oh, sure, the Berlin Wall fell way back in 1989, but isn’t that also around exactly the time that Christmas began its upward surge from day and a half holiday to three month event? Laugh at me all you want, but Christmas, and Christmas movies in particular, are nothing more than another tool in the communist arsenal to destroy the American way of life! Check out these examples from the most popular Christmas films and specials:

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas - This is almost too obvious. Someone steals all of Whoville’s earthly possessions on Christmas Eve, yet still they wake up in morning, get in a circle, hold hands and sing.

It’s A Wonderful Life - George Baily struggles his entire life to pull himself up by the bootstraps and make his fortune outside the insular world of Bedford Falls. Every attempt to leave his small town ends up a miserable failure, and he is stuck and unhappy with his life. It is only when he accepts that his true place is in the Savings and Loan, where he has served his community selflessly, with no hope of ever escaping his predetermined role in society. Bonus: The villain of the story is Mr. Potter, the town’s wealthiest citizen. He is a horrible person with not a single redeeming quality, just like all capitalists.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Rudolph is an outcast from reindeer society. It is not until the weather turns foul and Santa needs Rudolph’s red (red!) nose to guide his sleigh. Rudolph is welcomed back into reindeer society only because his abilities met their needs.

A Christmas Carol - Ebenezer Scrooge has amassed great wealth, but has contributed nothing to his community. Bob Cratchet has nothing, but is happy beyond Scrooge’s comprehending. It is not until Scrooge begins throwing his money around (actually tossing it out windows!), with no regard for the years of hard work and sacrifice he’s spent earning it, that he is “saved.”

A Charlie Brown Christmas - Charlie Brown attempts to direct the school’s Christmas pageant, but the other children just want to dance and have fun, like the capitalist dogs they are. There is even a literal dog among them, Snoopy, who is Charlie Brown’s greatest tormentor. Finally, Linus convinces the other children to stop having fun and work toward making Charlie Brown’s pathetic Christmas tree presentable, when all Charlie would have had to do is spend a little money and buy a nice tree to begin with.

And, have you ever wondered why Santa Clause’s uniform is red? And how his elves work all year, without breaks, and without pay? It’s no coincidence. Don’t let the communists fool you! Merry Christmas, and buy lots of presents. America is counting on you.