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Goodbye Kitty
by anna at 09:16 AM on December 06, 2003
I've known for some time now that I am destined to burn in hell. It's not that time we broke into a hermit's trailer and stole his coffee can full of silver dollars. Nor is it the time a 12 year old mature enough to buy liquor without being carded revealed her true age to me in the presence of a world class gossip. It isn't that spiteful threesome with the Peruvians. Nor is it the time I rammed my Land Rover into the side of a mountain, knocking my pal's comely girlfriend out cold. It's not the fact that I then... Er, maybe that's part of it.
It's a cat. Actually it's two cats. We've owned Slash (yes, named after the late GNR guitarist) for many years. Despite his three-legged infirmity, we love him dearly. He is an integral part of our family.
Now I think it's fine to own a cat. But to have more than one is to venture into the realm of wacky Cat People. My stepdaughter's a Cat Person. Felines lounge haughtily on her mantle. They scamper across her counters and tables at will. She can't afford to get them fixed so they multiply like bacteria in your mouth. Which brings me to George, offspring of this inbred process.
She guilt-tripped us into taking him in a long, long year ago. He's a big, fat cat who struts around with his rotund balls on prominent display. The Cat Lady down the street has thirty yard cats. They are George's personal harem. So only when he's famished does he appear outside our bay window, yowling in a most annoying, fang-bearing kind of way. Should you let him in, he'll make a beeline for the dish he shares with Slash. After wolfing down some kibbles and menacing our chinchilla ranch as a wolf might a flock of sheep, he starts yowling to be let out again. Slash has never warmed up to this interloper. Neither have we.
Did I mention that he pees all over our carpet, leaving this retched stench in our family room? Or that we're planning on laying new carpet? So lately I've taken to excluding him. I ignore his incessant yowling. If somebody lets him in I throw him out into the frozen tundra. I'm hoping he eventually gives up and learns to hunt. Alas, it hasn't happened yet. Hence, when we move, we'll skulk away in the dead of night; leaving George to fend for himself.
Why not just put him to sleep, you ask? Well, that simply isn't an option because the stepdaughter would never forgive us for killing the cousin/brother/son of her feline brood.
And that, mon ami, is the reason for my eternal damnation. For this I'll be bunked with Scott Peterson in the fiery depths of hell. That, and that other little thing.
comments (39)
snip snip.
by Fuzzy at December 6, 2003 12:25 PM
You're going to hell for putting up with a cat?! That's what they make you do in hell. I think you need to pull a Clay Aiken and run over it.
by MrBlank at December 6, 2003 2:02 PM
We can't afford to get him fixed either.
My neighbor loved his cat. But it climbed into the motor of his truck. When he turned it on, the cat got sliced to bits by the fan blades. Clay Aiken killed a cat too?
by anna at December 6, 2003 3:28 PM
i take back what i may have said earlier in response to my own post about spiders. i like all creatures save for one. i'm no fan of cats.
i've always been somewhat allergic to undeniably allergic, depending on the amount of the animals around, and the size of the place they've been spewing their venomous dander in. it's always sniffles that i get, and sometimes it all leads to a proper throat closing.
cats and dogs to me, alway reminded me of women and men. men are the utilitarian, likeable sort who pant and hump, yet do all the dumb innocuous things to people to make them happy.
sure cats are sophisticated, sly and quick to temper. but really, cats are like women only insofar as they embody some of those negative traits that a select few terrible women have. they are indifferent to the average man's attentions, and will only tolerate your presence you should you fall to their feet. they are fickle, and have claws that scratch, and are always preening themselves.
this is not to generalize women mind you. those traits just appear more in women than in men.
i'm generally a bigger fan of girls than boys. they smell better, have less body hair, and will always point out something pretty or wondferful nearby, when your male eyes have missed it. they can touch your arm and shift the whole world of your moment that it's happening in all the history of time and people.
but cats just suck.
by lajo at December 6, 2003 4:00 PM
meant to write "...whole world of your focus, to the exact moment that it's happening,..."
i should know to never highlight more than one word when editing a sentence. lousy cut and paste options...
by lajo at December 6, 2003 4:05 PM
by MrBlank at December 6, 2003 8:15 PM
Just be careful!
by Rate My Body at December 6, 2003 10:28 PM
Erm, late GNR guitarist? Slash is still alive, so you might want to fix that.
by Kevin at December 7, 2003 1:15 AM
Well Lajo I will say that as long as Cats! played at the Kennedy Center I never went to see it. Love the screen name Rate My Body. I even clicked on it to see what was up with that. And yes I know Slash is technically alive in the same narrow sense that Keith Richards is.
by anna at December 7, 2003 1:43 AM
i took it to mean that GNR was "late", and not necessarily the solo flopping slash.
better to burn out than turn into what GNR turned into.
GNR's dead as death.
by lajo at December 7, 2003 1:53 AM
in order to further fluff your comments, let me ass that not only is keith NOT dead yet, the guy's still totally punk, as evidenced by this little ditty.
by lajo at December 7, 2003 1:56 AM
let me ass...
let me add...
whatever
by lajo at December 7, 2003 1:58 AM
Forget GnR, it's all about Velvet Revolver now. I heard Sweet Child of Mine on the radio yesterday and even after all this time it sounds as good as, if not better than, the first time I heard it. Then KLOS played some wierd prog-rock crap.
Not all cats have the same personality. Some cats can be a lot like dogs... they follow you around everywhere, keep begging for petting, and can never get enough petting. Those ones aren't exactly like dogs, but they're close. Of course, then there are the cats that meow and meow until you pet them, then after exactly 40 seconds of petting, hiss and try to scratch you. Those we cat-lovers call "psycho." Lovingly, of course.
by jean at December 7, 2003 3:21 AM
Totally agree about both Sweet Child O' Mine and the variance of cats. True Keith Richards story: He and his wife used to go to Switzerland before a tour was to commence. They'd trade in their tired blood for new, fresh blood. True Rolling Stones story: One Marianne Faithful (check out her Broken English, circa 1977) has the dubious distinction of having fucked three of the Stones.
by anna at December 7, 2003 9:23 AM
Dammit. Why does this keep happening?
by anna at December 7, 2003 9:24 AM
Why does wha...?
I've heard the Marianne Faithful story. It ruined her career, didn't it? Didn't it involve a, erm, candy bar? (See MG, no oral sex mention, but candy bar used in sex act.) All I really know about her is one song she did for a Chieftains album. It was very, very nice. That Chieftains album also has the Rolling Stones on some tracks-- The Long Black Veil.
by jean at December 7, 2003 1:37 PM
Double comments that I've since corrected. I highly recommend her book, which is called Faithfull. Mostly it was heroin addiction that brought her down. That and bad taste in men.
by anna at December 7, 2003 2:44 PM
Double comments that I've since corrected. I highly recommend her book, which is called Faithfull. Mostly it was heroin addiction that brought her down. That and bad taste in men.
by anna at December 7, 2003 2:45 PM
i love that blood swapping story anna. i always thought it was the height of hedonism to say 'ehh? so i have to replace all my blood once a year. bf deal'
hey jean, i like lots of prog rock. especially chicago prog stuff. but i'm a music dork. record collection, big headphones...the whole nine.
i do agree that there are plenty of cat personalities, and some are even pretty nice. i'll even pet the nice ones more than i should. but ultimately.... i'm allergic, and they're just not the bottomless pits of affection that most dogs tend to be.
i can't figure out the candy bar story. was the wrapper on or off? and which would be better. one is more sanitary. one is less likely to abrade.
pick your poison.
now poison.... talk about 80's rock!
by lajo at December 7, 2003 2:49 PM
they're just not the bottomless pits of affection that most dogs tend to be
that's the thing - I mostly figure dogs as genetic slaves - the ones that like you, do so because they have no choice. A cat on the other hand is much more like a person in that regard; constantly judging those around it and bestowing favour on individuals according to some oblique method. You know where you are with a cat:)
by flibble at December 7, 2003 6:08 PM
they're just not the bottomless pits of affection that most dogs tend to be
and that's it exactly - I figure dogs for genetic slaves, programed to like you, or not. Cats are much more like people in that regard, constantly judging those around it and bestowing favour on individuals according to oblique criteria. Still, you tend to know where you are with a cat:)
by flibble at December 7, 2003 6:14 PM
forgive the pseudo-double post. I could've sworn that the first time I tried my post hit the server and bounced right off:/ The annoying thing is that I've just made it worse..
by flibble at December 7, 2003 6:18 PM
true. i do know i'm in shitsville when i'm with a cat.
by lajo at December 7, 2003 7:12 PM
I'm sorry, Lajoie. That was a gross generalization that I shouldn't have made. Maybe you could post sometime about your favorites and point me to some of the better bands... Rush and Pink Floyd are givens, I guess. I'll give anything a second try, OK, third and fourth tries too :)
by jean at December 8, 2003 3:06 AM
Don't sweat it Anna. Cats are survivors, kind of like cockroaches, and this one will probably be fine until it can weasel some other people into feeding it whenever it decides to show up.
by Ezy at December 8, 2003 9:39 AM
neutering should only be $50... not only does neutering help stop the increase of unwanted pets, but it also makes the cats better behaved and can help the spraying problem. cats need warm places to sleep too!
by Shannon at December 8, 2003 4:03 PM
shit, just take him on a little trip to the alley behind your local chinese eatery...you'll never see him again.
by JC at December 8, 2003 4:20 PM
Oh, for the love of...
Thank you Bob Bark--umm, Shannon. Who I agree with by the way. And please, spaying one cat is certainly cheaper than taking care of 30. What is your stepdaughter thinking??
by Linz at December 8, 2003 4:46 PM
no worries jean. just yanking your chain. turns out the definition for 'prog rock' is pretty broad, so i wouldn't want to include a great deal of it in my personal faves either. i actually hate rush, but love their drumming. pavement put it best in one of their songs:
"what about the voice of geddy lee...how did it get so high? why can't he speak like an ordinary guy?"
"i know him, and he does."
"and you're my fact-checkin' cuz..."
the prog rock i was thinking about was tortoise, and related versions/side projects. i think it's also classified as post rock and a whole bunch of other names that i can't remember and have no use for.
by lajo at December 8, 2003 6:58 PM
I know I need to get him fixed but he's just such an unloveable creature that I don't want to deal with it. I can't abandon him to become General Tso's chicken. Note: I can't believe no one said anything about paragraph one.
by anna at December 8, 2003 7:26 PM
So, Anna, what did you do to that knocked-out chick that's going to send you to Hell? Since you are dieing to have someone ask.
by MrBlank at December 8, 2003 7:54 PM
oh crap. i kept meaning to ask about the details of you fondling that girl who was passed out.
(going out on a limb)
so what was the deal? please prove me wrong anna.
by lajo at December 8, 2003 9:36 PM
You all are pretty close. I told myself I was just trying to revive her. She did wake up and was like, "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Where's Andy?" It doesn't get much more embarassing than that.
by anna at December 9, 2003 7:52 AM
Well a good nipple pinch will usually wake someone up. Whether you want to deal with that person, once awake, is another thing altogether. What did you do exactly Anna?
by Ezy at December 9, 2003 10:02 AM
ok, i'll bite.
sooo what the fuck did you think you were doing?
by lajo at December 9, 2003 5:49 PM
Ok here's the post within a post: This person was put together in such a way that it was almost impossible to shake her without it seeming all forward and nasty. There just wasn't much else to grab onto. Plus she was all slumped in the seat. And even though nothing untoward happened there was the perception of wrongdoing. So much for my friendship with Andy.
Soon she failed out of junior college, no small feat. He blamed not her drug abuse but me! Brain damage, doncha know. So she moved up into the hills with these yahoo local guys and he never forgave me.
by anna at December 9, 2003 6:31 PM
and i never will.
by andy at December 9, 2003 8:41 PM
anna, you've lived a life within a life.
by lajo at December 9, 2003 8:45 PM
Well then Andy, F U. I did her. It felt like a glory hole. And Lajo I intend to share a lot more of that here in the near future. I have enough shame to go around for all of us.
by anna at December 9, 2003 9:20 PM