For Christmas, you deserve a hummer

by anna at 10:09 AM on December 20, 2003

Everybody let’s give it up for Mr. Isaac Dix.

Thank you very much. I’m Isaac Dix, president and CEO of Hummer Motors. We are proud to be the makers of these modified Humvees. It’s the perfect vehicle in case a war happens to break out on your peaceful suburban lanes. Outfit it with machine gun turrets and 2 50 mm Howitzers and you’ll be invincible. Like Richard Pryor running down the street on fire, when you driving a hummer with machine guns a-blazing, people get out choo-way.

Despite its hefty starting price (turrets are optional,) these babies are selling like hotcakes. Yuppies flock to the Hummer, which has become somewhat of a status symbol among the balding baby boomer set. Sales are way up, due in large part to a herd mentality sparked by our aggressive marketing campaign. Our catchy slogans include, “You deserve a hummer” and “There’s nothing like a hummer.” We can’t keep them in the showroom.

But it has been brought to our attention that the term “hummer” carrries a duel meaning. What we thought was a nifty takeoff on Humvee also means a blowjob in street parlance: slurp ‘n burp action, head, Monicas, going down, knob-bobbing, pearl necklaces and messy facials.

Our creative team spent weeks coming up with Hummer. Evidently they are all so old and out of touch that they were blissfully unaware of the street meaning. This poses a bit of a problem for us. Bah!

What’s done is done and it doesn’t depend on how you define the word “is.” It’s not like we can go back and change it now, any more than Elvis’s mom Gladys could go back and correct the spelling of his middle name from Aron to Aaron after he became famous. For better or for worse, Hummer is our brand name. Our customers have come to identify with it.

Not that we haven’t considered it, what with the deluge of taunting emails we receive every day. We’ve rejected Voyeurger, Fistula, T-Bag, Quick E, Heunder, Vulva, Lixass, Escort Service, Impale, Fucass, Hand Job 1, Malibu-foo, Rump Ranger, OR-G, 4Player, Dirt-Trailblazer, Explorher, Cumaro, One-eyed Viper and Rimmer. We even batted around a special edition model for the Los Angeles police called the LAPDance. But alas, none of them has that distinctive ring of Hummer. So it’s here to stay, I’m afraid. Laugh all you want, but I will go down with this ship.