Man, do you guys have that one person at work that canít take a hint? I do. Iíll call him Al. Al is a decent enough guy but keeps committing a serious faux pas, in my opinion. He works as our technical writer and his cubicle is on the other end of our office building. Every day at 12:15 sharp, yes you can set your watch by him, Al comes over to the engineering section and wrecks our bathroom. This guy must be eating roadkill or something because the smell is awful. The stench then escapes from under the door and wafts down the hallway toward my office. You canít even walk by the bathroom for a half hour or so without wanting to cry. Oh, get this, the guy goes in every day carrying reading material! Talk about nerve. The entire engineering department is affected by Al so we have started to wage psychological warfare on him. When heís in the can weíll walk by and bang on the door as hard as we can in the hopes that it will break his concentration, effectively driving him from our area to another bathroom. Weíve been doing that for two weeks straight. It doesnít seem to be working. Just today three of us formed a line for the bathroom while a fourth went in and closed the door. At 12:15 Al comes ambling down the hall with his reading material. The expression on his face, dismay sprinkled with a little annoyance, was priceless. What did he do? He sat down in the common area and waited until we cleared out then went in and performed his evil. We thought he might go to another bathroom if he had to wait but I guess we were wrong. Maybe he views it as a personal vendetta against our department now; I donít know. I think, for the next phase of the battle, weíre going to start slipping notes under the door with taunts or maybe threats written on them. Weíre getting desperate so there is no idea what might come from that. I know that everyone has to go sometimes but couldnít he just do it in one of the other bathrooms closer to his cube? You would think so. Itís not like our bathroom is well off the beaten path with no foot traffic. Our area is pretty busy most of the time. This doesnít seem to bother him at all. Nothing does. Does anyone have any better ideas to drive this interloper from our part of the building other than asking him? None of us wants to directly confront him, due to the embarrassing nature of the subject and the fact that he has every right to use our bathroom, but we want him gone and sure could use some help.
he probably uses yours because he doesn't want to stink up his own workspace. you should buy some air freshener and leave it in there, and see if he uses it or not. either that, or get loaded at the holiday office party and tell the s.o.b. off.
by JC at December 17, 2003 1:10 PM
Leave matches in there too. Better yet, leave matches there at 12:15 with his name on the book cover.
by Linz at December 17, 2003 1:40 PM
JC, yea the office party is coming up this weekend. Maybe an announcement over the PA is in store.
Linz, this bastard would probably take the matches and never get the hint. He's on a mission now, it seems, so it will have to be something deviously clever that leaves no room for interpretation. Maybe we should just lock the bathroom until 1:30pm or so. That might work but he's probably a locksmith on his off time.
by Ezy at December 17, 2003 1:51 PM
This sounds suspiciously like my cohort, let's call him Dick, who works nights on my swingshift, always leaving us day people strong memories of him when we go. What do you feed this guy at lunch, anyway?
by victoria at December 17, 2003 2:15 PM
Simply put an "out of order" sign on the door but be sure to tell maintenace and your coworkers (discretely) that is is just for his benefit so they can still use that bathroom.
by Brian at December 17, 2003 3:18 PM
Victoria, I think it's pretty damn rude. The thing is, there is another bathroom in our warehouse that would be much better for that sort of thing but he walks right by it to get to ours. It's also funny that I have never actually seen him eat lunch so I have no idea what he's stuffing down his gullet to create such a smell. It truely is offensive.
by Ezy at December 17, 2003 3:23 PM
That's pretty good Brian. I'll try that one tomorrow and let you know how it works. With all of the other stuff we've done already he is probably suspicious so he might go in and check anyway. I'll try it though.
by Ezy at December 17, 2003 3:25 PM
a few ideas:
first one...take brian's idea and expand it a little. if it says 'out of order' he'll probably try to flush it anyway, and when it flushes, he'll use it. so now, leave the note yet beat him to the 'throom just before 12.15. drop some of your own bears in the cave and don't flush. just leave them wobbling around in the bowl for him. that plus the sign should scare him off.
other ideas...you could always try the taught cellophane over the porcelain trick. remember to leave the seat down covering the cellophane edges. this one's tricky, as the light has to be perfect in there, so as not to give away its cellophaneness. but if it works, and the material buildup touches his ass...you might even get a scream out of him.
another idea. just a big concrete nail epoxied to the toilet seat with a little sticky note next to it saying 'Al'.
by lajo at December 17, 2003 3:43 PM
Lajo, you just made me laugh out loud. Those are great ideas. We're going to have a blast with this. "Drop some of your own bears in the cave!" That's absolutely beautiful my man. Your addition to Brian's idea rocks. I'll be trying that tomorrow.
by Ezy at December 17, 2003 3:50 PM
Using matches to get rid of the smell of methane gas always confused me. Isnít fartgas flammable? As for the cellophane over the toilet gag, shit stink is lessened by being in water and if he stinks so bad now, imagine the stench if it never made it to the water.
Why donít you just tell the guy, right before he goes in, that he should spray some air freshener when heís done, because the bathroom canít contain the aftermath?
I donít have that problem in the menís room at my office, but the ladies complain of someone getting pee all over the seats. How can a woman miss?
by MrBlank at December 17, 2003 4:23 PM
MrB, air fresheners can't handle this stench. One of the guys braved the room one day, sprayed freshener, and that just made it smell like a pine tree took an incredibly offensive shit. We want him gone.
Maybe the culprit doesn't sit on the seat and squats at such a height that the water/pee splashes back up on the seat. That's the only reason I can think of for a woman to miss. Am I missing something here ladies?
by Ezy at December 17, 2003 4:29 PM
This is obviously a conscious affront to you engineers. It calls for drastic action. Once he's in there, make like you're the police complete with crackling radios. Make it out like you've been called to investigate a suspected dead body in the stall. Reach under the door and latch onto his ankles as if to drag the corpse out. Then yell, "Eek! It's ALIVE."
Respirators might be required.
Incidentally a drunk I knew once explained why his farts and excrement were so nasty. He said the alcohol kills bacteria that would normally break that shit down in your stomach.
by anna at December 17, 2003 6:02 PM
Plastic wrap across the bowl. He won't come back after that, trust me.
by tek at December 17, 2003 6:24 PM
Ladies get pee on seats because a surprising number do not sit down all the way when peeing. I worked with a pair of chefs once who were good friends, and I remember distinctly the conversation that ensued when after a joint visit to one of their houses, one them figured out that the other had not sat down on the toilet seat, and felt hurt that her friend didn't trust her enough to use her toilet seat. As in, "the partial squat is ok for a public toilet or an acquaintance, but I'm your good friend!" Pout.
by chris at December 17, 2003 6:25 PM
not to be too crass...but on the trains in europe, i used to like to do that while i pooed. that way i could watch the train tracks move by below me.
what a cool sensation.
by lajo at December 17, 2003 6:29 PM
My wife calls that practice "hovering." She does it everywhere but here. Hey Lajo, what is this cell phone thing you've got going with Linz? You guys need to hang out already. What is 3000 miles between friends?
by anna at December 17, 2003 10:49 PM
Anna, that's a damn funny idea. Today we're going to try Lajo/Brian's idea and if that doesn't work we'll probably be ready for your drastic plan. "Hovering" Give your wife cudos for that one. That's funny.
Yea, what's with the cell phone thing? Are you cheating on me Lajo? You promised you wouldn't.
I used the can on a few trains in Europe but I never looked down. I guess I missed a cool visual.
Tek, the plastic wrap gag sounds pretty good. If he survives Lajo/Brian and Anna's solution we'll have to try that next.
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 8:19 AM
Guys, I'll call you too if you give me your numbers. Lajoie just seems to have a high threshold for my self-absorbed infatuated rants about Sean, so he has been blessed/cursed with a real time conversation.
Ezy, as far as Lajoie cheating on you, you will have to take that up with him. It's not MY responsibility to keep your man faithful. You have got to let us know what comes of your new ways to combat the Defecator.
by Linz at December 18, 2003 8:52 AM
Yea Linz, I'm starting to think my trust that Lajo wasn't going to break my heart was misplaced. He's just a common ho. ;-) You're just irresistible I guess. Stay away from my man you harlot!!
I'm going to give updates to the defecator situation until we do something that drives him off. Today is the out of order sign with some kids swimming in the pool. If that doesn't work we'll move to plans C, D, E, et. al. Something has to work.
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 9:16 AM
Is this the same fearless Serb hunter I knew back in the day? Now you're afraid to tell some rotten azzed mofo to take a hike. How the times change.
Get an old pair of jeans, and an old pair of boots or hitop sneaks, cut the legs off, stuff em with newspaper and prop them against the bowl. Lock the stall from the inside.
by DUTCHWHISKEY at December 18, 2003 11:08 AM
Serb hunter? I thought we were on a peacekeeping mission Dutchy my man. Hunting Serbian women, maybe. I was spreading love bro.
That's one of the problems Dutchy, there are no stalls. This is a bathroom with one seat and a door. We're preparing to go through the next battle, thirty-nine minutes and counting. I really hope this works. I heard him talking to another co-worker about getting Chinese last night and gatting drunk on vodka. This doesn't bode well for any of us.
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 11:37 AM
Holy Shit!! Al came down the hall at 12:15, as usual. He looked at the sign for a minute then went in the bathroom. While we waited for him to come out running from the surprise in the bowl we hear the toilet flush. That bastard went ahead and fouled our bathroom again. Chinese food and vodka aren't my friends today. Al is a force to be reckoned with it seems. Oh well, on to plan D. I'm bringing in cellophane tomorrow.
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 12:58 PM
skip to plan "E". large nail. point it at his food tube.
ezy, i didn't mean to cheat really. it's just that linz likes to call people, and she has this cool laugh that's sort of like clown's dying. or doves crying. or drivin' and cryin'.
oh that reminds me...i''ll be in your fair state of VA this spring for a college graduation. if it's possible and i'm anywhere near, i might ring you and anna up for a boozy hang out. what's 3000 miles for sure...
by lajo at December 18, 2003 2:16 PM
That sounds great man. If you need a place to stay and you're near, you're welcome to crash at my place. Which college? You cheatin' bastard.
by Ezy at December 18, 2003 2:25 PM
Yeah this will go over real well. Oh, hi this is Lindsey the 24 year old blond singer from the website. Could I speak with your husband Anna? We're going to talk about like, relationship issues.
by anna at December 18, 2003 10:50 PM
Well, it wouldn't be LindsEy, it would be LindsAy. And I'm 25 these days. So how does your wife feel about this weird-ass website you write on? I know that my sister & bro-in-law thought it was totally weird until they got totally addicted. Now they have a new baby and realized that their life can be interesting too, so they aren't around here as much.
Clowns crying? That doesn't sound very cool in my head...
by Linz at December 19, 2003 8:49 AM
The clowns were dying Linz. The doves were crying. And drivin' and cryin' seems to be playing the show. So, you gonna call me or what? By the way, who you callin' weird?
Lajo, what college will you be visiting? I can tell you how close it is to Anna and I.
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 9:58 AM
Your wife would love that Anna. Call it an early X-Mas present.
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 10:00 AM
Depending on when it might be, I'll tentatively say I'd be willing to make the drive from NYC to visit the same weekend.
by mg at December 19, 2003 10:13 AM
That would be very cool. If you don't want to mess with the drive, MG, you could take the train down and I could pick you up at Union Station. Just a thought.
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 10:15 AM
Why you guys gotta be making plans without me??
by Linz at December 19, 2003 10:49 AM
Hey, it's only a 10 hour drive from Hotlanta to DC.
by mg at December 19, 2003 10:59 AM
Oh, I'd totally do it.
I missed the "spring" part of this equation.
by Linz at December 19, 2003 11:39 AM
Lajoie, once in Europe I took a train where the toilet bowl was filled with some thick, goopy black liquid. Do you have any idea what it was? It really made an impression, that goop did.
The Defecator sounds like a real problem. I also like his nom de poop-- Defecator.
by jean at December 19, 2003 12:02 PM
ok so, i'll be in virginia for a graduation on may 7th, a friday. the school's in harrisonburg, which i know isn't too close to d.c., but i'll be hitching a ride maybe through there on the way back. all i have to do is ask. could be an easy stop over. i think though, that i may not get to d.c. until sunday the 9th. after that, the world is wide open. i could just go to work with you the next day ezy, and thwart Al. then on wednesday i could switch over and go with you anna, and be your d.j. on the raod with the new mini boom box you got for your car. or i could just hitch a ride back to atlanta with you linz, just for giggles and visit more friends in atlanta, and then fly back to new york, my eventual destination. i plan on being unenployed by then, which is a good thing, so sky's the limit. also, i may be able to arrange it so i get to d.c. saturday night if that's prefered.
by lajo at December 19, 2003 12:13 PM
jean, maybe you should have just flushed that mess before you started.
by lajo at December 19, 2003 12:14 PM
by jean at December 19, 2003 1:04 PM
Come on up Linz! Ten hours isn't all that bad. We'll have a blast.
Jean, the "defecator" is a major pain in our nostrils. Bad, bad ju-ju.
Lajo, Harrisonburg huh. I take it the graduation will be at James Madison? That's really only two hours down interstate 81. Not too bad a drive at all. Personally, I would prefer Saturday night but my job is pretty flexible so I could definitely take a couple of days off, though I do like the idea of your help with the "defecator" at work. You moving to the right coast Lajo?
Defecator update : We didn't get to do anything today. It is my buddy's birthday and we took him out to lunch. Al didn't miss a beat. We were greeted with foul air as soon as we entered our area. The next attack will have to wait until Monday.
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 1:06 PM
oh! i had an idea last night. i had a little bout of insomnia and starting thinking. it's so simple really. alright ezy, hear me out. before 12.15, either A) remove all the available TP from the men's room each day until he stops, or B) if it's in one of those locked dispensers, merely douse it with water and clean up any spillage, so it's a surprise. Alert your fellow engineers to the gag, and tell them all to bring in emergency rolls of TP for engineer only use. tell no one else. interlopers will begin to fear your bathroom.
yes, 2 hours isn't too bad. it is in jact JMU. no plans yet for where i'll live next year, except i think it won't be here. so if anyone wants to take the chance to visit beautiful sf with a willing guide, best to do it before mid-summer.
by lajo at December 19, 2003 1:33 PM
That's going to be Monday's strike plan Lajo. Knowing how tenacious Al is, he'll probably go back to his side, get paper, then come back and wreck the bathroom anyway. We'll know Monday though.
Where have you been looking Lajo? Are you thinking of staying out west just not SF?
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 2:04 PM
all over really. i'm thinking of going back to school. more than thinking actually. i'll know more soon. could be out west, could be in (gasp) texas, could be northeast. it's all up in the air. my feelingas are 95% excitement, 5%pure dread. we'll see...
by lajo at December 19, 2003 2:10 PM
There are some pretty good schools, across the board, in VA and NC. Change is always a bitch huh? At least there is only 5% dread.
Oh, Linz, guess what I was just told? My industry's trade show is going to be in Atlanta next year!! It'll be at the Georgia World Congress Center June 5th through June 12th. Exciting news huh? I'm not too sure what days I'll be going yet or if I'll be there the whole time but I'll let you know as soon as I do. I'm going to see if Amy can get those days off and bring her with. Fun!!
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 2:26 PM
Kick ass! = )
I am going to Guatemala sometime in June but I don't think it's that week.
by Linz at December 19, 2003 3:57 PM
Sweet!! Sounds like we will be having one hell of a time June 2004! Party with Linz in Hotlanta!! Woooohaaaaaa!!
by Ezy at December 19, 2003 4:10 PM
Bah, everyone's so far from Missouri. The midwest is lame.
by MrBlank at December 19, 2003 9:50 PM
I am game. Sounds like fun. Lindsay, 25, my wife used to read and comment more when I first started posting. But now she only looks when her super-keen radar detects that I might have posted something about getting a hard-on at work over a cat woman. Which I didn't. That was all made-up. I swear.
by anna at December 20, 2003 12:15 PM
I just thought of this, Ezy-- until you can ouster the Defecator, maybe you could get your company to spring for an industrial carpet-dryer. They are snail-shaped super high powered fans that you put on the floor. Maybe it would help push the stench out.
Oh yeah! Maybe you could put itching powder all over the toilet seat and into the toilet-seat cover dispenser. Like the kind you get at gag stores.
by jean at December 20, 2003 6:05 PM
yes and sprinkle it on the TP so it really gets 'in there'. good idea jean.
by lajo at December 20, 2003 8:55 PM
Redskin Bruce Smith just broke Reggie White's sack record and I couldn't be gladder.
by anna at December 21, 2003 9:22 AM
The fact that Brett Favre fell down so that White could set that record always kind of cheapened it for me. Still, you broke the fabled fifty comment barrier. Have a good holiday Ezy!
by anna at December 21, 2003 9:24 AM
MrB, Amy and I will be coming to the Kansas City area sometime in late winter or early spring, just to visit her fam, then again in Sept. for a wedding. I'll have to keep you updated on when we'll be there so we can hook up.
Jean, I thought that itching powder was nothing but a gag. Does anyone know if it really works? That would be nothing short of classic, watching him run around all day scratching his nether regions. I'll have to do some research. Al has left for Christmas vacation so our next skirmish will have to wait until the new year. Then it's on!
Anna, that was a good moment Smith. That's one hell of a record to hold. I'm not a Redskin fan, at all, but can totally respect an accomplishment like that. Happy holidays back at ya Anna. Hope you and your clan have a good one.
by Ezy at December 22, 2003 9:52 AM