Rules to Live By or Something

by anna at 04:43 PM on November 28, 2003

1) To wallow in self-defeat is to more precisely define one’s scant chances of success. As Clint Eastwood once put it, a man’s got to know his limitations.
2) To enhance those slim odds of success, strive to be pure as the driven slush. Stagger around your house buck naked with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand.
3) Just because you’ve made your bed doesn’t mean you have to lie in it. You could just pass out on the couch instead. It’ll still be made in the morning.
4) It’s always best not to wonder how your gal’s panties wound up on your son’s bedroom floor. Just let it go.
5) The squeaky wheel gets replaced pronto. Everyone hates a complainer just as they do perky people persons and those who draw those inane quotations marks with their fingers.
6) Nothing ventured, nothing ventured. At least in theory, you haven’t lost any ground. By way of example, consider that the US government dropped $20 million promoting its latest dollar coin. Have you seen any in circulation?
7) Seek out those on the rebound for cheap and easy sex.
8) Men are driven by an overriding desire to expand their sphere of influence. Meanwhile, women are effortlessly expanding their sphere of influence.
9) Just as shopping, clothes-sharing and shoe-hoarding are uniquely feminine traits. And rest assured, hot chicks would never mud-wrestle over anything let alone cheap American beer. Show me a gal who mud-wrestles and I’ll show you one who knows her way around a truck stop.
10) Practice safe sex sporadically.
11) Preach to the choir.
12) The race is always to the swift. That’s why there’s no point in running a marathon with Kenyans.
13) Yet there is inherent value in self-delusion. It has the capacity to change such a crushingly depressing reality into a minor annoyance, a vast improvement.
14) Don’t follow leaders. Watch your parking meters.
15) When in Rome, do as the Romanians do.
16) Merrily burn your bridges as you go. You won’t be coming back this way, that’s for sure.
17) When you wake up in the middle of the night with a raging hard-on or dampened pussy, don’t expect your partner to snap to attention. See that thing at the end of your arm? Use it. If you’re a girl it might even garner his attention. (Doesn’t work so well for guys.)
18) Exact revenge. Wage private vendettas. Harbor grudges.
19) For your bitterness is merely confirmation of how unfairly you’ve been treated by The System.
20) Adopt “What would Donald Trump do?” as your guiding principle.
21) When faced with unspeakable malice, turn the other butt cheek.
22) Always check for dick, especially when dealing with deceptive dwarves.
23) Live in the moment but pick the right moment. Date with an oral surgeon: wrong moment. Detecting dick on a deceptive dwarf: worse moment.
24) Yeah it’s about how you play the game alright. If you play well, you win. Otherwise you’re a loser.
25) Place head firmly between legs and kiss your ass goodbye.