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That's why the lady is a tramp
by anna at 06:04 PM on September 22, 2003
What a girl needs is a good twelve inch stake. Oh wait, that didn't come out right. -Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Two DJs are interviewing self-proclaimed "sexpert" Laura Corn. She's insistent that the #1 carnal pleasure for men stems from fully satisfying a woman, but they aren't buying it. I tend to agree with her as a woman getting off is a thing of exquisite beauty---like a soaring aria at the opera. A man getting off is a grunting, brutish affair---like taking a steamy dump.
There are legions of these sexual know-it-alls out there. Anymore it's not just confined to Cosmo. Even the more staid women's rags like Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal have gotten in on the act. Most of their advice is geared toward pleasing husbands lest some sweet young thing lure them away. It's usually tame stuff involving candles, aromatic oils or feather-dusters. ("Don't substitute your Swiffer mop!") Cosmo goes in for the racier angle: "Tie his wrists to the bedposts and then flip him over. Wedge greased zuchini..."
He'll come begging for more! Implicit in this is that a guy who's begging for more isn't likely to take up with someone else. Yet guy's mags also churn out recycled sexual advice on how to bag multiple babes and have them eating from your hand: "Walk into bar licking your eyebrows and flashing wad of cash."
One can only hope Cosmo: Girl doesn't offer teens tips on the Cleveland Steamer or Dirty Sanchez.
God only knows what qualifies these sexperts to dispense this sort of advice. One would think that prostitutes (not "sex workers" any more than illegal aliens are ""undocumented workers") would be a better bet. Nonetheless, armed with stats and data, they attempt to educate us as to why a man finds it tantalizing when a woman tosses her hair or touches his arm during conversation. They also tell us why women view men of few words as stoic and studly rather than as slack-jawed morons who can't dream up anything witty to say.
I would never do that. But I do wonder how you'd fill an entire book with such information. There are, after all, only so many positions and orifices. And many of those sound like bawdy versions of Twister.
That said, I'll share a vignette from college. I had a girlfriend named Liz. She was cute but had this unsightly scar on her hip. After weeks I mustered the nerve to ask her about it. She coolly tells me that she used to have a conjoined twin but doctors cut it off as you might a wart or cyst. After that I couldn't stand to be around her. I was constantly envisioning the little bugger when we were together, which was usually in a dorm room she shared with Trish.
Trish was a very loud sleeper. So we'd wait till her snoring had become a deafening roar before doing anything. But still, between the harrowing visions of mini-Liz and this chick sawing logs not five feet from us, it proved downright creepy.
Years later I ran into Trish in my hometown. We hung out briefly but long enough for her to tell me that her snoring was all a big act and that she'd touch herself down there every time. This too creeped me out. I felt like our privacy had been violated. I also felt as though we'd unwittingly provided her with a free peep show.
So here's my advice to you: Stay away from former conjoined twins. Don't ask nosy questions about scars. And don't do it in front of others, snoring or not. Especially if they have video equipment on hand.
comments (13)
i remember back when i used to smuggle my mom's copy of 'everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask' to school (circa 6th grade) and we'd all gather around and freak out and say 'ewwwwww' and keep reading anyway. i'm not sure how they filled that whole book, considering they had all this stuff to do to the clitoris but never actually explained what one was.
which was for the best, i think our repressed preteen suburban heads would have exploded if we'd known.
oh, the moral to this story is, find the kid among your kids' friends who reminds you of me, and keep them well the hell away from such terrible bad influences. do it now, before you end up having to send them off to boarding school. in france. poor patty.
by lizard at September 22, 2003 10:10 PM
an old friend of mine had matching thuggish scars on the outsides of his two pinkies. i asked what they were one day and learned that they were sixth fingers, removed when he was a child. it both thrilled and repelled me to know that. i can only imagine that things would have been different if we were sharin' sheets.
and to draw another parallel. i had a similar girlfriend/roomate ralationship in college. the roomate was in a sorority though, and thus too bombed to hear anything when home and asleep. but we had our privacy...or so i thought until i read your post.
and liz, i did know you when i was a child. only you were my older cousin who lived in the same little town. because of this, the whole santa myth lasted approximately 3 1/2 years into my nascent, cynical life. go figure.
by lajoie at September 22, 2003 10:45 PM
A few observations: 1) Funny tales above. 2) "Smuggle" just doesn't look right in print online. 3) When I was in grade school, I had heard that girls' laps got wet when stimulated. Knowing that that is where they pee from, I put two and two together. That's disgusting, I thought.
by anna at September 23, 2003 6:54 AM
I was going to give sex advice on keeping a man happy, but I decided against it. One, its obvious, and two guys should be more worried about keep us happy. Its easier for a woman to find another lay than vice versa.
Instead I'll just say, mini-Liz, ewww.
by Syd at September 23, 2003 11:10 AM
I think having to read a book on how to please your lover is complete and total crap. I was a very promiscuous lad until my late twenties and what I found out is that there is no way to please every woman you meet with the same sexual act or move. Some women like when you go down on them and, this is from experience, some don't. Some like you as deep as you can get and it hurts others. Some like a clockwise motion and some like counter. Some like bondage and some don't. The best way, I have found, to be good in the sack is to listen to your partner and learn their body language. You can tell when something is making them climb the walls as well as when they don't dig something if you pay attention. I guess, if you know nothing at all, then a book can give you the basics but you have to treat every woman different so the things you learn there are not absolutes. College would be the best analogy I can think of at the moment. You learn the basics and how to learn in college then graduate to a job where you have to learn all over again what the hell is really going on.
By the way, I have read some of those Cosmo articals about "What men want" and they are, usually, nothing short of hilarious. You know what men want? Sex. Wanna keep your guy from straying? Keep it interesting and don't let your sex life get routine or boring. You don't have to do anal or hang from a trapeze to be interesting. Do some role play or, if that is too freaky, try being spontaneous. Doing something out of the ordinary goes a long way. Hmmmm. Maybe I should write a book.
by Ezy at September 23, 2003 12:14 PM
amen ezy.
you inevitably lay your most recent techniques (from old sig. other) upon your new sig. other...only to find that you're completely wrong. and you have to learn all over again. i love building that house up from scratch each time. the sex house.
by lajoie at September 23, 2003 12:28 PM
I think some guys suck no matter who they're sleeping with.
by Linz at September 23, 2003 12:41 PM
i think some girls won't suck no matter who they're sleeping with.
by lajoie at September 23, 2003 1:08 PM
Lajoie, you're a damn funny mofo.
I tend to agree with you Linz. I think some people just don't get it because either A) they selfishly don't care to or B) they just don't have a passionate bone in their bodies. There are, probably, other reasons but these two should suffice for now. I think to be good at anything you have to be passionate about it. Not horny, passionate. Not the same things. I have yet to see someone who truely loves and is passionate about sex not be good at it although I have seen many horny people who were abysmal at it.
by Ezy at September 23, 2003 1:58 PM
basically, i think "listen" and "observe" are the two most important things you can do -- just pay friggin' attention, both out of the sack and in it. the highest compliment, to me, is "you read my mind" or the more paranoid version "you're in my head. how could you know that". because i was paying attention, it's not ESP, it's just P -- perception. 'cause there is no formula, no technique you can practice on a banana, no secret vulcan-sex nerve pinch, it's just being perceptive. and creative with what you perceive.
i think i'll go crawl off and snivel for awhile about the whole. 3.75 years it's been since i've had sex with someone i wanted to have it with. (while being in the same state with them, i mean).
by lizard at September 23, 2003 3:45 PM
OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER:
Chiquita Brands, Inc. does not suggest using any other fruit or vegetable for the purposes of simulating intercourse or fellatio. when practicing to become the best, please use the best.
by chiquita, inc. at September 23, 2003 5:03 PM
For once the commentary took a turn that I expected. Totally agree with Linz about some guys who just don't get it. They're the ones who are always complaining about "frigid" chicks who dump them. And yeah Ezy, you should write a book. Now all we need is Chris the Perceptive Commentator's analysis.
by anna at September 23, 2003 5:43 PM
I was touching myself watching you guys too. Up in heaven, you know. Or is this hell? Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
by Mini-Liz at September 23, 2003 5:45 PM