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anna

Racing around to come up behind you again

by anna at 05:56 PM on September 10, 2003

A new coworker informs me that while other boys were out playing sports or Army, he was dressing dolls in frilly frocks. I admire his candor, especially since we'd just met. Oh yeah, he's gay. Tres gay, but so what?

Hank isn't your stereotypical flaming queen, however. There's the matter of his name, which is really Henry. He's an ardent follower of the SF 49ers, as he likes their uniforms. He can work on cars. He owns a vast array of tools, including a "stud-finder." He swears it's used to locate 2x4s behind drywall.

We've become fast friends---but as Survivor Rudy once stressed, not in a homosexual way---in part because we share a passion for vintage movies. For hours we can debate the social significance of Some Like It Hot. Why did stodgy standards and practices censors allow Marilyn Monroe to practically Kobe Tony Curtis on that yacht? Because they played it for laughs, that's why.

Similarly, we've come up with a concept for a new TV show called Macho Men Set Gays Straight. It's a blatant ripoff of the campy hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Here's some sample episodes:

Football: The Be-all and End-all of Guy Existence: We show gays why the purest joy in life is to be barricaded inside a cold, darkened den with beer, bratwurst and DirecTV's NFL Package. We also explain the meaning of "playoff implications" and demonstrate the proper use of Stadium Buddy. (Leave the receptacle under your seat.)

Dogs: Choose Between Pit Bulls and Doberman Pinschers: We refuse to admit that Chihuahuas, Pomeranians and other lap dogs are biological canines.

When It's Time to Change the Sheets: When the entire surface is encrusted with some disgusting yet unrecognizable substance or when the color fades to something other than a primary color, whichever comes last. Subplot: All the colors you need to know were taught to you in kindergarten. Mauve, taupe and lavender are not colors, they're flavors.

Drinking in Bars: Beer vs. Straight Whiskey: Men don't drink Sex on the Beach or Fuzzy Navels, though we may have fuzzy navels.

Men Don't Shop, We Go on Buying Rampages: Guys storm malls to pillage electronic gadgetry by the cartload. Girls are not for shopping with even if we did shop, which we don't.

Dudes Don't Wear No Hats Let Alone Berets at a Jaunty Angle: Hats smack of flamboyance, which can get you killed in prison---or worse, beget unsolicited conjugal visits.

Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: Patterned after the Seinfeld episode. A chance for we guys to show off our tolerant sides.

Wet T-shirt Night and Girls Gone Wild: Necessary Evils: Sure they are demeaning but where would our culture be without these time-honored traditions?

Country Music: A Primer: We explain why Hank Williams III's I Put the Dick in Dixie and the Cunt in Country is such an important cultural artifact, right up there with Ultimate Fighting.

Why We'll Never Visit Paris, France: The title speaks for itself, as does Church is for Checking out Chicks, Chest Hair is Normal, Why Shave on Weekends, Blame Farts on the Family Dog and All Worthwhile Foods Can Be Eaten with your Hands.

We're flying out to LA to pitch our idea to Fox shirts. Any suggestions for other episodes or enhancements to these would be a godsend at this point.

comments (10)

well you can do a bit about how when straight guys are really tired and were out too late the night before, they come into the office and pour some milk into their coffee, only they're acutally just pouring coffe grounds straight from the bag into the cup. today that straight guy is me. fuck.

by lajoie at September 11, 2003 11:24 AM


Funny you should mention coffee, cuz this is the only guy at my office who ever brews a new pot. All the other dudes will mix decaf and regular, add more milk or settle for half a cup before they''ll make more.

I ate lunch in Richmond today. Next to the restaurant was a shop labeled simply "50 cent movies." I was curious as to what the hell that might mean so I ducked in after I ate. It sounded like a tiny whorehouse in there with all this (recorded) moaning. 'Twas then I realized it was like the modern-day equivalent of a freaking peep show. Man, I was so outta there. I hope it's not on my permanent record.

by anna at September 11, 2003 2:48 PM


Come on Anna. You know you had a peep. You can't fool me.

by Ezy at September 11, 2003 3:01 PM


they probably record over the security camera files all the time. i'd say you're in the clear in a couple of weeks.

that is to say, unless they start fingerprinting all the lubed quarters that the breathers keep cramming in the peep show coin slots.

then you're a goner.

by lajoie at September 11, 2003 3:17 PM


No. Disease-phobe that I am, that never even crossed my mind. Now, about the post itself...

by anna at September 12, 2003 6:45 AM


sorry anna. i think i don't always see much difference between the posts and the comments. to me, they're both a part of the discourse. but getting back to the point of it all, your friend hank...

i'm actually surprised he even goes by hank. of all my gay friends and aquaintences, only a few...say 2%, go by a nickname. i've always enjoyed their seemly insistance upon using their full names. it's like gazing into a small window of our noble pasts as humans. sensitive guy that i am though, i'm usually calling my friends by the most slovenly basic, applicable nicknames after a few drinks, that i might as well figure myself as part of the problem.

by lajoie at September 12, 2003 1:53 PM


I forgot to mention that @ the peep show there was a sign that said each 50 cent token would buy you 4 minutes in the diseased-riddled booth, minimum purchase two tokens. Does that really take 8 minutes? Wouldn't you rub yourself raw?

In HS there was a girly guy named Michael, not Mike. To me he didn't really seem so much gay as a girl trapped in a guy's body, destined for transgender status as an adult. I always figured that he thought it would make for an easier transition to go from Michael to Michelle. It's not so easy if he'd been known as Mike. No offense Michael, I mean MG.

by anna at September 12, 2003 6:30 PM


It is so true that men go on shopping rampages. My brother's method of shopping is like a surgical strike... he gets out of the car in the mall parking lot and makes a beeline for a specific rack in the store of his choice. He doesn't look left or right, and he's not distracted by flashy store displays! When I'm at the mall I'm usually bumping into things because I'm staring at the pretty things in the windows...

by jean at September 14, 2003 1:33 AM


I measure Christmas shopping success in gifts secured per hour. My wife hates this.

by anna at September 14, 2003 7:39 AM


Christmas shopping is the worst! Everyone's angry, the items are on sale but all sold out, and everyone's a pig and the nice pyramids of things to buy get turned into unsorted piles of... stuff. Last year I did all my Christmas shopping in November, and the year before it was all online. I don't think I'll ever try to shop during the last few weeks before Christmas, again.

by jean at September 15, 2003 2:11 AM