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Pillow Talk
by anna at 04:25 PM on September 14, 2003
Who hasn’t cringed at off-putting things people have said before, during or after knocking boots? Here are some examples:
Before:
Get ready for the ride of your life.
Leave your clothes on.
I don’t mean to brag but have a gander at....this!
No oral, no anal, no doggy-style, I am strictly missionary style.
First we should probably discuss my insecurities about, you know.
Don’t kiss me.
This is my deathbed.
My husband collects guns.
I like Jews. You a Jew?
You’ll be my first this week.
This won’t hurt a bit.
Need I remind you that I paid for dinner AND the movie?
Get on your knees, bitch.
I’m incredibly fertile.
You’re just going to use me, aren’t you?
My last abortion was the worst. I so wanted those babies.
That’s the tip jar.
During:
Are you finished?
Mind if I read my book?
I am bleeding but don’t mind me.
Oh my significant other, your penis is so...sizable!
Who’s your daddy?!
The World Trade Association’s policies stink. And don’t even get me started about the IMF.
Afterwards:
Well, that was quick.
I can already feel your baby growing inside me.
You should have seen your face. I’ve seen calmer people in the throes of grand mal seizures.
For all your sweating, you don’t smell half bad.
I told you I knew all about the man in the boat.
I hated the dirty talk. It sounds so forced, like you read it in Cosmo or something. But otherwise, you rocked. Really.
Yep, you’re definitely in my top ten.
I bet (prior girlfriend) never did that for you. (Actual example from my personal experience.)
What’d you say your name was? (This too.)
I can’t believe this happened again. (Ditto. This old flame must have been listening to too much Liz Phair.)
I’m so jealous of my sister. Her fiancee gave her a 2 carat diamond last night.
Dad never did it like that.
Condoms are so unreliable, especially when you reuse them.
I passed my AIDS test, but the herpes results are still pending.
Monica’s got nothing on me, no? My old boyfriend used to call me his blowjob queen.
Everybody else always wants to tie me up. What’s with you?
You really need to change your sheets someday.
Chow, baby!
You so nasty!
comments (7)
don't forget these (no comment on historical accuracy):
before - 'ok, i'll do that. but you still have to fuck me'
during - 'it always makes that sound.'
after - 'my mom's going to love you.'
by lajoie at September 14, 2003 6:25 PM
Oh those are real alright. Nobody could have ever dreamed 'em up. Classic. And let's not forget the awkward teen who thanks his date for a Monica. No, not me.
by anna at September 15, 2003 6:58 AM
now there's an interesting window into the teen experience. it gets me to thinking, how you could possibly know this?
by lajoie at September 15, 2003 11:29 AM
A friend told me about it. Yeah, a friend of mine. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
by anna at September 15, 2003 5:26 PM
In that case, a 'friend' of mine once heard "Wow, this is just like a porno." That friend has vowed never to sleep with a virgin again.
by jean at September 16, 2003 4:42 AM
Why didn't I think of that? One of the items above is also real. Hint: From Here to Eternity.
by anna at September 16, 2003 6:54 AM
and that's why they're virgins in the first place....
by lajoie at September 16, 2003 9:44 AM